Alice\u2019s mother could not admit any imperfection. If anything was wrong \u2013 at all \u2013 it was Alice\u2019s fault. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
After decades of dealing with this, Alice had come to believe it. She had low self-esteem, abandoned a promising nursing career, and was dating a man who was not good for her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
She seems to be stuck in a lifestyle that confirmed her narcissistic mother\u2019s low expectations of her.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Unfortunately, this is a fairly common scenario among adult children of narcissists<\/em><\/strong>. How does this happen? <\/p>\n\n\n\n How can childhood experiences echo so strongly in people\u2019s adult lives? And how can this be treated?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Table of Contents:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s start at the beginning. What happens to children of narcissistic mothers and fathers?<\/p>\n\n\n\n To answer that, let\u2019s think about why a narcissist would have children in the first place. <\/p>\n\n\n\n At first glance, having children would seem like a selfless act, right? To create, nurture, and care for another being means putting someone else ahead of yourself. And as you know, narcissists prefer to put themselves first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n So it\u2019s probably no surprise that a study in 2019<\/a> found that, on average, narcissists have fewer children than the general population. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But some narcissists obviously do. So for the ones that choose to have kids, what\u2019s the motivation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists treat their children<\/strong> just like they do anything else \u2013 as a potential source of narcissistic supply<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n They do not see their children as a target for their love and affection but as a source of self-esteem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As in many areas of their lives, narcissists choose to have children if there\u2019s something in it for them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This can lead to confusing if not outright abusive behavior<\/a> towards the child. <\/p>\n\n\n\n At times, the narcissistic parent may over-value their children, setting impossibly high standards for them. But at other times, they may be extremely dismissive and neglectful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Whether the child experiences Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde, depends on whether they provide narcissistic supply to the narcissistic parent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So a child of narcissistic parents comes to learn that love, warmth, and affection is conditional \u2013 it isn\u2019t just there. It\u2019s something they have to work for. They have to act in certain ways if they want to be loved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But of course, this isn\u2019t a fair contest \u2013 every child craves affection from their parents, so they dutifully do what they need to do to get that love. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In other words, a child of narcissistic parents has to set aside their own wants, needs, and even personalities to suit their parents. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As we\u2019ll see, this can have a real negative effect on the child, and these effects can linger well into adult life.<\/p>\n\n\n A parental environment like this can stunt the normal emotional development of a child. They develop what is sometimes called \u201cco-narcissism<\/a>\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists tend to be very rigid, self-absorbed, and lacking in empathy. Their behavior is a defense mechanism to help protect a very fragile self-esteem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When you grow up around someone like this, you have to develop your own defense mechanisms \u2013 and in many ways, these are the opposite of narcissistic traits:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Research has shown<\/a> that as a result of all this, children of narcissistic parents are at much higher risk of:<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, the actual effect on the child can be very different if there is another parent present, who does not suffer from NPD. Psychologists sometimes break mental health symptoms into two groups:<\/p>\n\n\n\n A study of over 900 children<\/a> found that when children are raised by one narcissistic parent and one non-narcissist, externalizing problems are more common. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But when children are raised by one narcissistic parent alone, internalizing problems are more common.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Unfortunately, the problems that children of narcissistic parents endure don\u2019t stop in childhood. The ghosts of the past continue to haunt them throughout their adult life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, in one study of nearly 200 people<\/a>, adult children of narcissists had lower rates of self-esteem and higher rates of depression than children who weren\u2019t raised by narcissists. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In another, children who experienced alienation from their parents also had these same emotional problems. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Still, they were also more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol and had difficulty trusting others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n Problems like low self-esteem and substance abuse this can happen after many different forms of abuse during childhood \u2013 these aren\u2019t specific to being the child of a narcissistic parent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But some other problems might be a little more unique to this situation. One of these is a loss of intersubjectivity<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n OK, that\u2019s a bit of a technical term so let me explain what it means!<\/p>\n\n\n\n We all have our own subjective experiences of life. We see the world through our own eyes, we have our own thoughts and beliefs, and we move through life feeling that we\u2019re in the driving seat. That\u2019s subjectivity<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When two people get together, there\u2019s a little mingling of our subjective worlds. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You believe one thing, I believe another. You feel one emotion, I feel something else. But over time, we learn to understand and accommodate each other. <\/p>\n\n\n\n We might disagree about many things, but we find common ground. In a way, we create a shared reality between the two of us. That\u2019s intersubjectivity<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now, narcissists are not keen on intersubjectivity at all. Instead, they push their subjective world onto others. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Their needs and wants come. First, and their beliefs are correct. Suppose anyone doesn\u2019t agree with this or tries to push their own subjective world onto the narcissist. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In that case, the narcissist will respond negatively \u2013 perhaps narcissistic rage<\/a>, put downs, or other forms of abuse.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n In some cases, the child of a narcissist doesn\u2019t learn intersubjectivity from their parent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n They might identify with their parent, and copy them, learning to pushing their parent\u2019s world onto others. But more commonly, they become submissive, and allow others to push their world onto them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Through years of having their parents reality pushed onto them, this becomes a habit that they repeat with other people. This happened with Alice, whom we met at the start of this article.<\/p>\n\n\n\n An adult child of a narcissist often experiences unhealthy, stormy, and difficult romantic relationships. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The bond between parent and child profoundly influences the relationships we develop in adulthood. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When that parental bond lacks unconditional love, adult children of Narcissists sometimes don\u2019t develop the belief that they deserve to be treated well by others.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, they gravitate towards relationships that have a similar \u201cvibe\u201d to the one they experienced with their parents. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As psychologist Seth Meyers explains<\/a>, a healthy relationship full or warmth, trust, and affection can be a great source of anxiety to the child of a narcissist.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n Through their childhood, they learned that to get praise from their narcissistic parent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n They had to put their own needs last. Whenever they did put their own needs first, they triggered a narcissistic injury in their parent and were punished for it \u2013 by being ignored, neglected, or put down.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s as though they create a circuit in their brain, to help protect them from that punishment. They know that if they put their own needs first, they will end up being punished. So the very thought of that makes them anxious. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When they reach adulthood, that circuit still exists – even if the narcissistic parent is long out of the picture. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If they meet a nice partner who puts them first, the circuit gets triggered all the same. They feel that same anxiety, and they worry that the punishment is coming – even if it isn\u2019t any more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I mentioned earlier that children of narcissistic parents are at a higher risk of developing NPD themselves. The key words here are \u201chigher risk\u201d – it certainly doesn\u2019t happen to every child. It takes a combination of factors.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Some studies have shown a genetic aspect to NPD<\/a>. According to this idea, whether a child develops NPD depends, in part, on whether they inherit the genes that lead to it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n We inherit 50% of our genes from each parent, and which ones we get from who, is basically random. Without the prerequisite genes, the chance of developing NPD is much lower.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But genes only tell part of the story. Although the causes of NPD are not well understood, it\u2019s thought that we need a very particular childhood experience to develop it – involving a combination of overvaluation and neglect from the parent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The overvaluation creates a deep need for praise and affection, and the neglect creates very low self-esteem \u2013 two key components of NPD.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, as we discussed previously, if another, non-narcissistic parent<\/strong> is present in the child\u2019s upbringing, this can reduce the risk somewhat. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The second parent may be able to prevent or minimize some of the neglect and abuse that the narcissistic parent throws out and provide at least some parental warmth that might help the child develop more healthily.<\/p>\n\n\n\n By adulthood, the children of narcissists have been through a lot. For a therapist to help the child of a narcissist live a healthy emotional life, all the issues we discussed above need to be broken through, including:<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to therapist Jay Reid<\/a>, this involves a baseline of \u201cempathy, positive regard, and a desire to understand\u201d, but, he says, this isn\u2019t enough by itself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n On top of that, the therapist also needs to help the client see themselves as they actually are, instead of how they have learned to see themselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This involves unraveling their faulty beliefs and learning to see the world more objectively. Reid calls this \u201cTherapeutic Disagreement\u201d, but you find the same idea in many types of therapy, such as cognitive behavioural therapy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Additionally, the therapist needs to remove the patient’s protectiveness towards their parent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You might wonder why someone would be protective towards their abuser, but it is quite common, especially when talking about parental abuse.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember, the child really just wants love and affection from their narcissistic parent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n To admit that their parent is abusing them means giving up all hope that this love will ever come. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Since the thought of this is very painful, children simply make excuses (often blaming themselves), and carry on trying to get the love that they crave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is part of the reason that children of narcs end up in stormy, difficult marriages. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If they find a spouse who is abusive in the same way as their parent, and they can get their new spouse to love them, then maybe their parent actually did love them all along. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Maybe it really was their fault for not learning exactly how to act to get it.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n And so, difficult relationships become like a puzzle they have to solve, to prove their parent\u2019s love really did exist – but was just being withheld. So they move from abuser to abuser, trying to beat the puzzle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reid\u2019s approach, is to remove the protectiveness around their parent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If the patient can accept that their parent was mistreating them and that the love was probably not there, they can then break out of this cycle of bad relationships.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Of course, this is a painful hurdle to jump, and as with many forms of therapy, things can get worse, emotionally speaking, before they get better. But, life is easier on the other side of these hurdles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Are You Interested in The Following Topics?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n Unfortunately, this is a fairly common scenario among adult children of narcissistic parents. How does this happen? How can the experiences of childhood echo so strongly in people\u2019s adult lives? And how can this be treated?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3417,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[598],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3287"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3287"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3287\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3417"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3287"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3287"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3287"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}How Do Narcissists Treat their Children?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
![\"adult](\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/adult-children-of-narcissistic-parents.jpg\")
<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\nCharacteristics of children of narcissists<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Problems of Adult children of narcissistic parents<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Adult children of Narcissists and Marriage<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Do Children of Narcissists Become Narcissists Themselves?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
How do Therapists Help Adult Children of Narcissists?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n