Table of Contents:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Hoovering is a classic manipulation tactic designed to convince you to return to a toxic relationship. Like the well-known Hoover vacuum, hoovering seeks to \u201csuck you back in.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Some hoovering attempts are apparent. Others are far more sneaky and insidious. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Victims of narcissistic abuse may undergo several months or years of hoovering before leaving the relationship for good. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n The hoovering narcissist is clever and quick. They know how to pique your interest because they already know your fears and weaknesses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Subsequently, they exploit those vulnerabilities to lure you back into their life. <\/p>\n\n\n Narcissists hoover for several reasons, and each of those reasons seeks to fulfill their intrinsic needs and desires.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Above anything, narcissists need to feel important and valued. Their relationship with you<\/a> reinforces those ideals. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Therefore, the opposite is true. Not having you in their life feels threatening and inconceivable- they need to do what they can to return to their usual homeostasis. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists don\u2019t want you to feel empowered. That\u2019s much too threatening to their psyche. They want you in a subservient role, in a role that adores, appreciates, and validates them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When a narcissist has invested in something or someone, they believe they are owed those benefits. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In some ways, they think you are indebted to them for whatever they offered you. To convince you of their fallacy, they might say things like, I sacrificed so much for you! <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists don\u2019t believe normal rules apply to them. That\u2019s why they struggle with authority and boundaries. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s also why they can\u2019t seem to respect your needs or wishes. To them, rules are mere suggestions- and if these suggestions don\u2019t fit into their mold, they disregard them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If this motive may sound deranged, it\u2019s because it can be. Many narcissists view people as submissive objects or \u201cchallenges to conquer.\u201d To them, this back-and-forth can feel like a game, and they know how to win it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists share traits with psychopaths and sociopaths. Extreme narcissists lack any remorse for feelings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n At times, they also derive a sense of joy from harming people. Moreover, they can justify their behavior- they contextualize their actions as something they \u201cneed\u201d to do. <\/p>\n\n\n\n There are many narcissist tactics to get you back in their lives. Let\u2019s get into some of the common examples. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Reading Suggestion:<\/strong> 15 narcissist Hoovering Examples<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n But you\u2019re my soul mate!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Nobody understands me like you do!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve never felt so connected with another person.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n You\u2019re the only one I\u2019m supposed to be with!<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n If any of those compliments sound familiar, recognize them as attempts to win you over with adoration. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists recognize the universal need to be loved. They exploit this need by conveying how obsessed they are with you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re reeling from your breakup, these lines can easily work magic on you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n They can convince you that you\u2019re special and that this time will be different. Remember that a simple, But I love you, <\/em>is one of the easiest things narcissists say to get you back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember when we first met- I\u2019ll never forget that day?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember how we felt when we first saw our baby?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember how much fun we had on that amazing trip last summer?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n Nostalgia is a powerful emotion that can trigger heightened feelings of optimism, social connectivity, and physical warmth. Narcissists may play on this emotion to remind you of all the good times you two shared. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Breakups hurt everyone involved. The narcissist knows if you still have ambivalent feelings about your relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Therefore, they will use nostalgia to heighten those feelings and increase your sense of guilt and longing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m sorry to bother you, but did you hear what happened to my mom?<\/em> I was in a bad car accident. Just thought I\u2019d let you know.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n The narcissist understands you have empathy for their pain. As a result, they might contort various situations to sound like full-blown emergencies. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If an actual crisis does occur, they\u2019ll run to you for emotional support and closeness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This type of hoovering can be painful for loved ones. You don\u2019t want to see the narcissist suffering. You also don\u2019t want to feel guilty for ignoring them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n At the same time, their crises are often falsified or exaggerated. Even if they do occur, the narcissist\u2019s response tends to be overly dramatic- as a way to draw you back in. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m ready to be a parent now. Let\u2019s try to have a baby.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I know I need to work on things. I started therapy last week.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n You\u2019re right. We need to move. I\u2019ve started looking at houses. <\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n Did you and the narcissist have a continuous conflict with no real resolution? Did you desperately want something that they never wanted to give you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n If so, the \u201cmaking an effort to change\u201d hoovering appears to solve this problem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When this happens, the narcissist suddenly agrees to concede. They\u2019re now ready for marriage! They want to go to therapy! They want to make you happy! <\/p>\n\n\n\n And, of course, you want to believe they\u2019ve finally <\/em>seen the light and that the changes will stick. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Unfortunately, this doesn\u2019t happen. The effort to change doesn\u2019t emerge from a profound desire to grow or improve oneself. Instead, the changes are meant to placate and impress you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Once you\u2019re back in their lives, the progress often stops altogether, and they return to their usual behavior. <\/p>\n\n\n\n My sister said she saw you driving yesterday. How have you been?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Oh! I didn\u2019t realize I was calling you- that was an accident.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I didn\u2019t mean to like your picture. Sorry about that. <\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n Many times, the narcissist doesn\u2019t want to acknowledge how your breakup impacts them. This acknowledgment would display weakness, which they are not willing to reveal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead of overwhelming you with obvious attempts to win you back, they\u2019ll take an even more manipulative approach by \u201caccidentally\u201d forcing entry. That said, your response tends to open their floodgates. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I wasn\u2019t thinking right. We\u2019re still together.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n That was just us going through things.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Babe, that was just a fight. We both said things we didn\u2019t mean.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n At times, the narcissist may act as if nothing has changed, as if you\u2019re still happily together. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This denial can come in various forms, like a sudden message reaching out, flowers and a romantic card, or showing up at your place by surprise. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You\u2019re imagining things! We were so happy!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n That was not what I meant. You\u2019re twisting my words.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Now I can\u2019t call you to see how you\u2019re doing? Wow, you\u2019re being so sensitive. <\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n Gaslighting<\/a> coincides with many narcissist hoovering tactics. Gaslighting is an attempt to manipulate your reality- the narcissist attempts to invalidate your thoughts, feelings, memory, and overall mental sanity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Gaslighting can be incredibly explicit, meaning you know when it\u2019s happening. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Other times, however, it can feel downright confusing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, I was just joking, <\/em>can make you question if you really are overreacting. A simple, I never said that <\/em>may lead you wondering if you misheard what they told you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You two seemed so good for each other.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I know they really miss you. They\u2019ve been such a mess since you broke up.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n You know they would never want to hurt you.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n Proxy hoovering occurs when the narcissist uses someone else to do their dirty work. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead of contacting you directly, they rely on other people to convey their needs. Proxy hoovers can include friends or family- at times, it may even be people who are seemingly on your side!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists pick these individuals with careful precision. They choose people who are also charmed or impressed by their behavior. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As a result, those people want <\/em>to look after the narcissist. They want <\/em>to help them feel better. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists hoover for as long as they feel enabled to do so. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Some narcissists will repeat their destructive cycle until you either get back together or completely cut ties. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The hoovering is on their terms- they set the rules for the game, expecting you to participate along with them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n At times, it may seem like they\u2019ve stopped the hoovering behavior. But despite long periods of silence, they almost always come back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In fact, they often stretch the periods of silence after each hoovering episode- just to keep you on your toes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists don\u2019t want you to move on from the relationship or from the pain they inflicted. They intend to keep you thinking about them- even if those thoughts are negative. <\/p>\n\n\n\n They are wired to crave the attention of others. Without the attention, they often feel completely empty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you want to end a relationship, cutting off all ties tends to be the only effective approach. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists often exploit any opportunity to hoover. They typically prey on weak energy, and they can spot ambivalence if you reveal any signs of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The best response is no response.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re broken up (and want to stay that way), a narcissist will prefer you to lash out or threaten them over nothing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists thrive on attention, and they don\u2019t distinguish between positive or negative attention. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Again, hoovering is all about \u201csucking you back in.\u201d These tactics are designed to provoke you to respond- even if you have no desire to talk to them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Don\u2019t answer the phone. Don\u2019t respond to the texts. Block them on social media. Ignore the narcissist hoover and ignore any efforts they make to reel you back into their life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you maintain complete consistency with your approach, most narcissists have no choice but to stop. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The commitment to continue rejecting a narcissist hoover is their greatest fear<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n That said, it\u2019s important to note some narcissists may resort to dangerous tactics, such as stalking or abusing others, to pique your attention. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If, at any point, you feel physically unsafe, contact law enforcement, and consider reaching out to an attorney. You may need additional legal and practical protection. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This is an especially important point to consider if the narcissist physically or sexually abused you in the past. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Hoovering is a common strategy narcissists use to restore their sense of power and control in a relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists struggle to let anyone else make decisions for them. That\u2019s why they continue to hoover- they haven\u2019t decided that the relationship is done. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In their minds, the relationship is over when they <\/em>want it to be over. And even in that case, they still wish to access you in the peripherals of their daily life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n They still feel entitled and owed to you- even if you no longer want that dynamic. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It is no secret that hoovering can be exhausting for loved ones. You want to heal, but they know how to suck you back in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you want to move on from this frustrating cycle, no contact<\/a> is the best approach. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It isn\u2019t easy, but it\u2019s the only method that allows for real closure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n Sources & References<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nUnderstanding The Narcissist And Hoovering<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
![\"hoovering](\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/hoovering-narcissist.jpg\")
<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\nWhy Do Narcissists Hoover?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
They Need Continuous Power and Control<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
They Believe They Are Entitled To You <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
They Seek Pleasure From The Process<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
8 Narcissist Hoovering Tactics<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1. Flooding You With Flattery<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
2. Consuming You With Nostalgia<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. Bombarding You With Crises <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
<\/em>I just lost my job, and things are rough right now.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n4. Making An Effort To Change<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. Downplaying Or Lying About Why They Contacted You<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
6. Denying The Current Reality<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
7. Gaslighting Your Truth<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
8. Narcissist Hoovering By Proxy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
How Long Will A Narcissist Hoover?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
How To Respond To the Hoovering Narcissist?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Final Thoughts<\/h2>\n\n\n\n