{"id":3088,"date":"2020-09-12T11:49:00","date_gmt":"2020-09-12T10:49:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/?p=3088"},"modified":"2023-12-01T15:44:43","modified_gmt":"2023-12-01T14:44:43","slug":"what-is-gaslighting-in-narcissism","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/what-is-gaslighting-in-narcissism\/","title":{"rendered":"What is Gaslighting in Narcissism? Narcissistic Gaslighting Explained"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\"><em>\u201cI never said that! What are you talking about?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\"><em>\u201cYou\u2019re imagining things!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\"><em>\u201cYou keep forgetting things. I\u2019m worried about you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>These are examples of gaslighting. It\u2019s a manipulation technique in which the gaslighter tries to make the victim question their senses, perceptions, and memory. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Gaslighting is not unknown to the Narcissists and they use it to keep you under their spell. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>What is <strong>Gaslighting in Narcissism? <\/strong>How does the Narcissist use gaslighting to control and manipulate you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group wplogout-table-of-contents\"><div class=\"wp-block-group__inner-container is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow\">\n<p class=\"wplogout-toc-heading\"><strong>Table of Contents<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wplogout-toc-contents\">\n<li><a href=\"#What-is-Gaslighting?\" class=\"rank-math-link\">What is Gaslighting?<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"#2-Examples-of-Gaslighting\" class=\"rank-math-link\">Examples of Gaslighting<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"#Is-Gaslighting-a-form-of-Narcissism?\" class=\"rank-math-link\">Is Gaslighting a form of Narcissism?<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"#What-is-Narcissistic-Gaslighting?\" class=\"rank-math-link\">What is Narcissistic Gaslighting?<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"#How-do-you-tell-if-someone\u2019s-Gaslighting-you?\" class=\"rank-math-link\">How do you know if someone is gaslighting you?<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"#How-to-fight-the-Gaslighting-of-a-Narcissist?\" class=\"rank-math-link\">How to Respond to gaslighting?<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"What-is-Gaslighting?\">What is Gaslighting?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The term \u201cgaslighting\u201d comes from a 1938 play called \u201c<em>Gaslight<\/em>,\u201d most famous for a 1944 movie remake for which Ingrid Bergman won an Oscar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In it, Gregory (the gaslighter) is looking for jewels in the attic. But when he turns the gas lights on up there, it causes the other lights in the house to dim. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>His wife Paula (the victim) questions him on this, and to cover his tracks, he simply tells her that the lights aren\u2019t dim. They were never dim. She must be imagining it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-light-green-cyan-background-color has-background\"><div class=\"wp-block-group__inner-container is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow\">\n<p><strong>Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li><a aria-label=\"The Narcissist and their fake apology (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/the-narcissist-and-apology\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" class=\"rank-math-link\">The Narcissist and their fake apology<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a aria-label=\"How to respond to triangulation? (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/how-to-react-to-narcissist-triangulation-explained-with-real-life-examples\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" class=\"rank-math-link\">How to respond to triangulation?<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a aria-label=\"Do narcissists get jealous when you move on? (opens in a new tab)\" class=\"rank-math-link\" href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/why-do-narcissists-get-jealous\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Do narcissists get jealous when you move on?<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>To hide his actions, he needs to really make her believe she\u2019s losing her senses. So he starts playing tricks, such as hiding or moving objects, and claiming Paula had taken them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>He even convinces Paula that her mother suffered from psychotic symptoms and was committed to an asylum. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Eventually, Paula buys into the gaslighting and starts to truly believe she\u2019s losing her mind. Then, Gregory has full control over her and can continue his criminal activities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Gaslighting makes victims feel like the ground is moving beneath their feet, like they have no anchor in the real world to know what\u2019s true or not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It puts the victim of Gaslighting under the spell of the gaslighter, and leaves them at their mercy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Given that people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) <a href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/narcissistic-liar\/\">have a tendency to lie<\/a>, and a strong need to be in control over other people, it\u2019s perhaps unsurprising that gaslighting is a favored tactic of narcissists.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In this article we\u2019ll talk about what gaslighting is in Narcissism, why narcissists use it, and how you can fight back against it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"2-Examples-of-Gaslighting\">2 Examples of Gaslighting<\/h2>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image is-resized\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"683\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/narcissistic-gaslighting-683x1024.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-3115\" srcset=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/narcissistic-gaslighting-683x1024.jpg 683w, https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/narcissistic-gaslighting-200x300.jpg 200w, https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/narcissistic-gaslighting-768x1152.jpg 768w, https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/narcissistic-gaslighting.jpg 1000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 683px) 100vw, 683px\" \/><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n<p>We\u2019re not talking about simple lies here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"example-1\">Example 1 <\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Let\u2019s say your <a href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/married-to-a-narcissistic-husband-proceed-with-caution\/\">narcissist husband<\/a> is having an affair, and the other woman has black hair. You\u2019re blonde, and one day you find a long black hair on the couch. None of your friends have black hair, so you ask your husband about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\"><em>\u201cOh that? That\u2019s probably Jeff\u2019s. You know, Jeff. The rocker. He came over the other day when you were working late.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This isn\u2019t gaslighting. It\u2019s just a plain, old-fashioned, garden-variety lie. Now take this example.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\"><em>\u201cOh that? That\u2019ll be Jeff\u2019s. You know, the rocker. I told you he came round the other day. Don\u2019t you remember? We had a whole conversation about it! Are you OK? I\u2019ve noticed you\u2019ve been forgetting things a lot lately. Are you stressed from work or something?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Now <em>that<\/em>, ladies and gentlemen, is gaslighting in Narcissism. Notice how subtle it is? Who hasn\u2019t forgotten a conversation at some point? It could have easily happened this way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But the narcissist is making your supposed forgetfulness \u201ca thing.\u201d If you accept this, he\u2019s started to drive a wedge into your sense of self-trust. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Now he can use the same tactic again in the future, using this incident as evidence that he\u2019s right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"example-2\">Example 2<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>But not all gaslighting is so subtle. Here\u2019s another, more extreme example of how the conversation could go. So again, you find the hair&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\"><em>\u201cOh that?\u201d<\/em> He takes the hair from you. <em>\u201cWhat are you talking about? That\u2019s nothing, forget about it.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You let it go, but it preys on your mind, so you bring up the hair again a few days later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\"><em>\u201cThat hair from a few days ago? What do you mean \u201clong\u201d? It was three<\/em>, three <em>inches, tops! Seriously, I remember you holding up this short hair saying it was long. I thought you were joking! You really thought that hair was long? Are you feeling OK? I have noticed you being very forgetful lately&#8230;\u201d<\/em>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This is more extreme gaslighting. You saw something with your own two eyes, plain as day. But the narcissist denies that reality completely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"gaslighting-and-lying\">Gaslighting and lying<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>You might think that wouldn\u2019t work, that you wouldn\u2019t question something you actually saw. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But it can happen. Especially when the gaslighter is a powerful, controlling figure in your life (which narcissists often are), and they have already been lying to and manipulating you in other ways (which narcissists often do).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Yet, gaslighting in Narcissism can become even more malicious than this. These examples are <em>reactive \u2013 <\/em>the gaslighter is using this technique to get himself out of a jam. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-light-green-cyan-background-color has-background\"><div class=\"wp-block-group__inner-container is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow\">\n<p><strong>Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li><a aria-label=\"The narcissist Lies about Everything (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/narcissistic-liar\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" class=\"rank-math-link\">The narcissist lies about Everything<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a aria-label=\"Can 2 narcissists be friends? (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/narcissistic-friendship-can-narcissists-be-good-friends\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" class=\"rank-math-link\">Can 2 narcissists be friends?<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/weird-things-narcissists-do-and-say\/\" target=\"_blank\" aria-label=\"Weird thing Narcissists do (opens in a new tab)\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" class=\"rank-math-link\">Weird thing Narcissists do<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>But it can also be <em>proactive<\/em> \u2013 to make you doubt your reality even when they <em>don\u2019t<\/em> have a difficult situation to get themselves out of. The logic here is simple &#8211; get control over you now, in case that control might be needed in the future.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The movie <em>Gaslight<\/em> has several classic examples of this. In one scene, Gregory moves a painting from the wall, and confronts Paula to ask why she moved it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>She says, correctly, that she didn\u2019t. But Gregory is able to convince her that she did, much to her distress and confusion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>As a general rule, gaslighting is:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>When someone tries to convince you something happened, but it didn\u2019t (<em>\u201cYou keep leaving the door unlocked!\u201d<\/em>)<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>When someone tries to convince you something didn\u2019t happen, but it did (\u201c<em>I never called you a \u2018worthless idiot\u2019! Why do you always lie like this?\u201d<\/em>)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"Is-Gaslighting-a-form-of-Narcissism?\">Is Gaslighting a form of Narcissism?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Gaslighting is not unique to narcissists. It isn\u2019t a feature of <strong>Narcissistic Personality Disorder<\/strong>, in the same way that things like <strong>narcissistic injuries<\/strong>, or <strong>narcissistic rage<\/strong> are.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However, since it is an effective (albeit insidious) method of manipulation, it is often seen in people who possess the so-called \u201cdark triad\u201d of personality traits \u2013 psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and narcissism. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For this reason, gaslighting is a common tactic in cults \u2013 it\u2019s used to break down the victim of gaslighting their\u2019 sense of reality so that the cult leader can get more control over the group. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Of course, with some exceptions, cult leaders are typically characterized by one or more dark triad traits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-light-green-cyan-background-color has-background\"><strong>Reading Suggestion:<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/examples-of-narcissist-text-messages\/\">11 Typical Examples of Narcissist text Messages<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So, if gaslighting is used consistently and deliberately, this would be a big red flag that an individual possesses one of these traits. This is especially true if the goal of the gaslighting is to gain control over other people.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However, that doesn\u2019t mean only people with such traits would use gaslighting. People without these conditions might employ gaslighting too for various <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/understanding-narcissism\/201709\/are-you-being-gaslighted-the-narcissist-in-your-life\">different reasons<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Perhaps they have something to hide (maybe they\u2019ve been caught in a lie and see no other way out), they are trying to change something about you. It is still a form of emotional abuse, however, no matter who uses it or why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"What-is-Narcissistic-Gaslighting?\">What is Narcissistic Gaslighting?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>So while gaslighting isn\u2019t a form of narcissism, there is something unique about narcissism and gaslighting. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Due to the nature of NPD, narcissists often find themselves in positions where gaslighting is beneficial to them \u2013 and they often have no concerns about using it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"narcissism-and-gaslighting\">Narcissism and Gaslighting<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Let\u2019s just run through the basic characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, then we can see how gaslighting fits into this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>Narcissists think they\u2019re \u201call that.\u201d They have an inflated sense of their own importance and have little time or interest in things that don\u2019t benefit them in some way.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>Underneath it all, however, narcissists are actually fragile. They hold deep-seated concerns that they are actually worthless, and the grandiose exterior is a way of covering this up.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>Because of this low sense of self-esteem, narcissists have to put a lot of effort into getting attention and praise from others. They can\u2019t \u201ccreate\u201d their own self-esteem \u2013 they have to get it from others (narcissistic supply).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>If they <em>don\u2019t<\/em> get enough praise and attention, the insecure self underneath might become more obvious. To a narcissist, this is extremely painful (<a href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/narcissistic-injury\/\">a narcissistic injury<\/a>) and <em>must<\/em> not happen. They <em>must<\/em> be superior to others. They <em>must<\/em> avoid coming face-to-face with that true self underneath.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>Since many narcissists also lack empathy, they have fewer constraints on the types of things they can do to get this feeling of superiority, this narcissistic supply. This includes lying and abusive behaviour.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Given this psychological framework, we can start to understand why gaslighting is so common among narcissists. Here are a few possibilities:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"gaslighting-to-cover-up-lies\">Gaslighting to cover up lies<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>What will a narcissist do if you catch them in a lie? It\u2019s not likely they\u2019ll admit it and apologise (perfect people don\u2019t make mistakes). So what\u2019s the move here?&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Well, they have a many options. They could cover up the lie with another lie. They could deflect the issue by becoming angry and abusive.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Or, they could simply deny they ever lied in the first place. If they are able to convince you of this and do it consistently, they are even freer to lie, because they have an easy way to get away with it. This gives them a much more reliable source of narcissistic supply.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"gaslighting-to-gain-control\">Gaslighting to gain control<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Thinking about the above framework, you can imagine how important control is to a narcissist. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You can\u2019t just have the people in your life running around freely, doing and saying whatever they want. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you let them do that, they might not give you enough supply. Or worse, they might say something that would trigger a narcissistic injury.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Gaslighting is one of many techniques a narcissist can use to gain control. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you rely on a narcissist for something so fundamental as knowing what\u2019s true and what isn\u2019t, they can do whatever they want. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If they want to make themselves feel better by putting you down, they can. If you challenge it later, they can just deny they ever said it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>On top of that, the fact that they are in control is a source of supply in itself, because they are in the powerful, dominant position in the relationship, and you are not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"gaslighting-to-cover-up-emotional-abuse\">Gaslighting to cover up Emotional abuse<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Narcissists are often abusive. In rare cases, the abuse is an end in itself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This mainly occurs in people who have \u201cmalignant narcissism\u201d, which is something of a cross between narcissism and psychopathy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Such people derive pleasure from the suffering of others, and so gaslighting, to them, maybe just a fun game to play.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As I say, however, this is rare. Most often, narcissists are abusive as a result of a narcissistic injury, which triggers an angry outburst commonly known as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/communication-success\/201807\/8-signs-narcissistic-rage\">narcissistic rage<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In these cases, narcissists may use gaslighting to cover up the (emotional) abuse, to make you think it didn\u2019t happen, or that you\u2019re exaggerating the extent or circumstance of the abuse.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Indeed, <a href=\"https:\/\/search.proquest.com\/openview\/0c6d2066bc1732bdd632be2194fad496\/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&amp;cbl=18750&amp;diss=y\">one study from 2003<\/a> found a strong correlation between gaslighting and a range of other forms of abuse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Gaslighting rarely happens by itself, and for many people, the denial of the abuse can be as bad or worse than the actual abuse itself.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"How-do-you-tell-if-someone\u2019s-Gaslighting-you?\">How do you tell if someone\u2019s Gaslighting you?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Gaslighting can happen in any relationship \u2013 it could happen through a romantic partner, a friend, a work colleague or boss, a family member, or any situation where you deal with an individual regularly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Due to the nature of gaslighting, you might not even realise that something is being done to you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It can be worse than that, because you might actually see your abuser as the one who can help you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you really believe that you\u2019re losing your senses, but someone you trust is at hand to help you figure out what\u2019s true and what isn\u2019t, it would be natural to see them as your guiding light in a difficult time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>What you may not realize, however, is that they are the ones causing your confusion in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here are a few warning signs to look out for, which might mean someone\u2019s gaslighting you:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>They tell you something is true, but that goes against something you\u2019ve directly seen, heard, or otherwise experienced. For example, they deny they said something that you remember them saying.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>They tell you something happened that you have no memory or evidence of. For example, they claim you said something that you don\u2019t remember saying.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>If you question their version of the truth, they react negatively<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>They continually bring up the topic and try to bully you until you accept that they are right<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>Their version of events somehow always has them in an innocent or positive position, with you as the person to blame<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>They mix praise and abuse \u2013 when you accept that they are right, they shower you with affection and kind words (this is to reinforce that behavior). When you don\u2019t, they turn nasty.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>They accuse you of doing things that <em>they<\/em> have in fact done (or you suspect them of doing). For example, if you catch a romantic partner <a href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/is-the-narcissist-cheating-on-you\/\">cheating<\/a>, they claim you are the one cheating.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>They turn people against you. They use <a href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/what-is-narcissist-triangulation\/\">triangulation<\/a>, bringing a third person into your relationship (literally or figuratively) <em>\u201cYour sister knows I would never say something like that to you. She would never accuse me of that.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>As well as looking at the potential gaslighter\u2019s behaviour, also look at yourself too. If you\u2019re being gaslighted, you might&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>feel different, like you\u2019re not the same person you used to be<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>find yourself questioning your memory<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>feel like you\u2019re always doing things wrong, always to blame for something<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>make excuses for behavior that is objectively abusive (whether that\u2019s emotional abuse, physical, or sexual abuse).&nbsp;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>become isolated from the people you trust, such as close friends and family members. The gaslighter may have played a role in, or encouraged your withdrawal<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>constantly second-guess yourself and find it hard to make decisions<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li>suffer from emotional disturbances, such as feelings of hopelessness, depression, and anxiety<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"How-to-fight-the-Gaslighting-of-a-Narcissist?\">How To Respond to the Gaslighting of the Narcissist?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>So now that you know what gaslighting is, and how to tell if someone\u2019s gaslighting you, the next question is, how do you handle a gaslighter?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Ariel Leve, an author and columnist for the UK Guardian, has some powerful suggestions on how to deal with gaslighting, which she outlines in her <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=v4P2Qwh1QCU\">TED Talk<\/a>.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>These are based on Leve\u2019s experiences with her mother, who she says was emotionally abusive, and would frequently engage in gaslighting &#8211; often to deny that the previous abuse had taken place at all.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here\u2019s what Leve recommends:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"remain-defiant\">Remain defiant<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Gaslighters will often use bullying and intimidation to try to push their version of reality onto you, through the sheer force of their personality.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Think back to a time you\u2019ve been gaslighted. You\u2019ll remember there was a time when you <em>knew<\/em> the truth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Then there was a time afterward when you were unsure about it. However, there was a third time &#8211; a transition between these two states. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It started with a single moment, a microsecond of doubt where you started to entertain <em>their<\/em> version of the truth.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For most normal, reasonable people, this is a healthy reaction when someone disagrees with us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To get along with others, we use our empathy, we look at things from their point of view. Only then can we decide if we really agree or not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But with gaslighting, there is no need to see their point of view. This is not a debate. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>There will be no presentation of evidence and no arguments for or against it. Remain defiant &#8211; what you know to be true, is true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"don-t-look-for-accountability\">Don\u2019t look for accountability<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>It is extremely unlikely that narcissists will admit their actions, or have a moment of revelation when you confront them about it. You\u2019re not going to hear<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\"> \u201c<em>You\u2019re right<\/em>.\u201d or <em>\u201c<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/the-narcissist-and-apology\/\"><em>I\u2019m sorry<\/em><\/a><em>\u201d<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When Leve used the term \u201cChild abuse\u201d with her mother for the first time, the response was typical <em>\u201cWhat about Mommy abuse? Nobody ever talks about that!\u201d<\/em>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Confrontation may lead to further <strong>abuse<\/strong>, and give them more ammunition to use against you. The time and energy you spend looking for accountability will be better spent elsewhere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"let-go-of-the-need-for-things-to-be-different\">Let go of the need for things to be different<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>If you want things to be different in the <a href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/narcissist-in-relationships\/\">relationship with the narcissist<\/a>, you are playing into a manipulator\u2019s hands. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Making the type of change you want, requires them to see that they are abusing you, accept it, and then change. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This is most likely a false hope when dealing with narcissists, as it would mean facing a huge narcissistic injury. Hoping for things to be different will only keep you in the relationship for longer than you need to be.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you\u2019re being gaslighted, you\u2019re being abused \u2013 this isn\u2019t a situation you should try to change, it\u2019s a situation you should try to get away from. Disengage, put yourself first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"develop-healthy-coping-methods\">Develop healthy coping methods<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>In her talk, Leve discusses an unhealthy coping strategy she developed to deal with her mother\u2019s abuse \u2013 detachment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The constant push-and-pull, \u201c<em>I love you\u201d<\/em> one minute, <em>\u201cI hate you\u201d<\/em> the next, caused her to detach, to become \u201cnumb\u201d in a sense. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This might have helped her deal with the pain in the moment, but it caused issues down the line \u2013 she had trouble trusting or connecting with people in her adult life, for instance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Be wary of coping measures that helps you feel better in the moment but make things worse later in life: use of alcohol or drugs, self-harm, smoking, denial, overeating, and social isolation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Instead, focus on healthy coping methods: meditation, breathing techniques, exercise, social interaction (with trusted people), and therapy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"keep-a-journal\">Keep a journal<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Leve also says that writing things down had been very helpful to her. She called it \u201ctestimony\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You can think of your journal as a witness in a court case, someone who saw what happened and can remind you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It can make it easier to tell the gaslighter\u2019s false reality from the real one.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It can also be really helpful to talk about your feelings and emotions in your journal. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This is called <a href=\"https:\/\/www.cambridge.org\/core\/journals\/advances-in-psychiatric-treatment\/article\/emotional-and-physical-health-benefits-of-expressive-writing\/ED2976A61F5DE56B46F07A1CE9EA9F9F\/core-reader\">expressive writing<\/a>, a common technique used in therapy for people who have been through traumatic events. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So your journal serves a dual purpose \u2013 it helps you keep track of reality, and it is also a healthy coping method.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Have you had any experience with gaslighting at the hands of narcissists? Are you a victim of gaslighting? If so, let me know in the comments below!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-light-green-cyan-background-color has-background\"><div class=\"wp-block-group__inner-container is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow\">\n<p><strong>Reading Suggestions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul>\n<li><a aria-label=\"The Narcissist and Money (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/the-narcissist-and-money\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" class=\"rank-math-link\">The Narcissist and Money<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a aria-label=\"What is Narcissistic Mirroring? (opens in a new tab)\" href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/narcissistic-mirroring\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" class=\"rank-math-link\">What is Narcissistic Mirroring?<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a aria-label=\"What is Triangulation in Narcissism? (opens in a new tab)\" class=\"rank-math-link\" href=\"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/what-is-narcissist-triangulation\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">What is Triangulation in Narcissism?<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In this article we\u2019ll talk about what gaslighting is in Narcissism, why narcissists use it, and how you can fight back against it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3114,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[599],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3088"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3088"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3088\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":19412,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3088\/revisions\/19412"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3114"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3088"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3088"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thenarcissisticlife.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3088"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}