I understand.
The end of a relationship can feel like the end of the world. When you had your whole life planned out with somebody, only for it to get taken away.
You feel wronged, and you want to tell everyone that your ex is a narcissist. You see small signs, and you want to write the rest of the story.
Don’t get me wrong here, some just may be, but it’s likely they aren’t…
…And I want to tell you why.
Break-Ups – Let’s Be Honest…
It can be hard to say goodbye to somebody you love, especially if you feel the relationship is ending too soon.
There will be a big part of you that somehow either you could try again. Make it work. Do something differently the next time around.
When you aren’t given that opportunity, it can lead to one of two things:
Sadness and resentment.
Both are possible, but most definitely both can be damaging if you stay within them for too long.
When a partner becomes an ex, you can be faced with a future that is now uncertain. Where you once made plans, you now have nothing, and you look for somewhere to place the reason behind it.
Moving On Seems Impossible
It absolutely seems impossible to consider moving on when all you want to do is ask questions.
Why did this happen?
What did you do wrong?
Why don’t they want to be with you anymore?
Can you fix it in any way?
Feelings of heartlessness toward the person you once considered a true love rise, and you’re left with no other informal diagnosis:
They must be a narcissist to be this cold and uncaring.
Do you think that’s likely, given the situation?
If you do, you wouldn’t be alone.
Wanting Closure
The biggest aspect of any break-up is the need for closure, and I think that’s where a lot of people fall down.
When they don’t get it, they look for it. They look for an explanation; a reason as to why it ended so they can close the page to that chapter, and start again.
The question is, why are you waiting on somebody else to close that page for you, when you are more than able to do it yourself?
Sometimes, somebody ending it is all the closure you need, but because you are and are a good person, you want to find reason or rhyme where there really is none.
If a person wronged or hurt you, it doesn’t automatically mean they are a narcissist.
Narcissists Do Exist!
Heck yes! Narcissists are everywhere, and they cause incredible amounts of damage to relationships and the people they’re in them with.
Narcissists will break you down before they leave you, because they want to leave you shattered, and not in one piece. They purposely hurt, knowing that your pain is going to be their supply.
I don’t want you to live your lives thinking every person who you’re hurt by, intended to cause that pain.
Sometimes, we all have to do the right thing by ourselves, don’t we? If your partner becomes your ex, it’s possible that they may have wanted to end that relationship because it wasn’t working out for them.
That doesn’t mean it’s your fault, and that doesn’t mean it’s theirs either.
Things happen, and relationships begin and end every single day.
Yours doesn’t have to be what causes you to lean toward narcissism and wonder if they were that kind of person all along.
Traits Don’t Always Equal Full Blown
When you think about narcissism, I want you to think about it like little toxic pieces that come together to create a full blown narcissist.
Each piece has the power to withdraw a little positivity from another person’s character, and the more pieces, the more narcissistic they will be.
It’s absolutely possible for somebody to have one or two pieces, without fully extending those into the area of narcissistic personality disorder. I think this is where you can fall down and categorize too quickly.
For example, if your ex is the kind of person who knows what they want, that will work all the while it works for you.
One day, they may realize they don’t want to be in a relationship anymore (not just with you, but in general).
The break-up can seem brutal as much as it is shocking, but that’s not down to narcissism, it’s down to them knowing what they want, and making clear decisions.
You could say how heartless they are, or how they seem so unbothered by their decision, but to them, they’ve decided, and they’ve acted upon that.
When you’re the person who is ‘left,’ there is always an element of both confusion and sadness, but that should in no way point you to the assumption that narcissism had anything at all to do with it.
It Ended – You Can Move On
At the end of a relationship, there’s always a time period for sadness and reflection.
What went wrong, and where do I go now?
It’s okay to have those thoughts without blaming anybody for what happened. If it’s run its course, you can be the leader of your own life again and find ways to move on.
What does that look like for you?
Maybe it’s taking some time off work for a vacation. Perhaps it’s meeting up with friends. Getting a new hobby. You might start a new exercise routine to get those endorphins up.
You don’t have to sit in the what ifs.
You don’t have to feel bitter about somebody just because they decided to leave and end what you thought was perfect.
Victim? No Thanks!
I don’t think it’s ever healthy to put yourself in the mentality of being a victim.
When you do, you face extra problems, such as:
- Blaming other people all the time
- Making excuses for yourself
- Not taking enough responsibility – if any at all
- Saying things like, “It’s not my fault”
- Not looking for solutions to issues
- Feeling, and being stuck in powerlessness
- Negative self-talk
- Self-sabotage
- Lack of confidence
- Resentment/anger issues
- Loneliness
I don’t want that for you, and you shouldn’t want that for yourself either.
Listening to the inner narrative that your ex is a narcissist is often the easy way out. It’s the explanation we want to hear, and because of that, it helps many people feel better about a situation or event that hurt them.
But when you really dig deep – are they narcissistic, or are you feeling pain that will eventually subside?
