I understand.

The end of a relationship can feel like the end of the world. When you had your whole life planned out with somebody, only for it to get taken away.

You feel wronged, and you want to tell everyone that your ex is a narcissist. You see small signs, and you want to write the rest of the story.

Don’t get me wrong here, some just may be, but it’s likely they aren’t…

…And I want to tell you why.

Break-Ups – Let’s Be Honest…

It can be hard to say goodbye to somebody you love, especially if you feel the relationship is ending too soon.

There will be a big part of you that somehow either you could try again. Make it work. Do something differently the next time around.

When you aren’t given that opportunity, it can lead to one of two things:

Sadness and resentment.

Both are possible, but they can be damaging if you stay within them for too long.

When a partner becomes an ex, you can be faced with a future that is now uncertain. Where you once made plans, you now have nothing, and you look for somewhere to place the reason behind it.

Moving On Seems Impossible

It absolutely seems impossible to consider moving on when all you want to do is ask questions.

Why did this happen?

What did you do wrong?

Why don’t they want to be with you anymore?

Can you fix it in any way?

Feelings of heartlessness toward the person you once considered a true love rise, and you’re left with no other informal diagnosis:

They must be a narcissist to be this cold and uncaring.

Do you think that’s likely, given the situation?

If you do, you wouldn’t be alone.

Wanting Closure

The biggest aspect of any break-up is the need for closure, and I think that’s where a lot of people fall down.

When they don’t get it, they look for it. They look for an explanation, a reason as to why it ended, so they can close the page to that chapter and start again.

The question is, why are you waiting on somebody else to close that page for you, when you are more than able to do it yourself?

Sometimes, somebody ending it is all the closure you need, but because you are and are a good person, you want to find reason or rhyme where there really is none.

If a person wronged or hurt you, it doesn’t automatically mean they are a narcissist.

Narcissists Do Exist!

Heck yes! Narcissists are everywhere, and they cause incredible amounts of damage to relationships and the people they’re in them with.

Narcissists will break you down before they leave you, because they want to leave you shattered, and not in one piece. They purposely hurt, knowing that your pain is going to be their supply.

I don’t want you to live your lives thinking every person who you’re hurt by, intended to cause that pain.

Sometimes, we all have to do the right thing ourselves, right? If your partner becomes your ex, they may have wanted to end that relationship because it wasn’t working out for them.

That doesn’t mean it’s your fault, and that doesn’t mean it’s theirs either.

Things happen, and relationships begin and end every single day.

Traits Don’t Always Equal Full Blown

When you think about narcissism, I want you to think about it like little toxic pieces that come together to create a full blown narcissist.

Each piece can withdraw a little positivity from another person’s character, and the more pieces, the more narcissistic they will be.

Somebody can have one or two pieces, without fully extending those into the area of narcissistic personality disorder. I think this is where you can fall down and categorize too quickly.

For example, if your ex is the kind of person who knows what they want, that will work all the while it works for you.

One day, they may realize they don’t want to be in a relationship anymore (not just with you, but in general).

The break-up can seem brutal as much as it is shocking, but that’s not down to narcissism, it’s down to them knowing what they want, and making clear decisions.

You could say how heartless they are, or how they seem so unbothered by their decision, but to them, they’ve decided and acted upon that.

When you’re the person who is ‘left,’ there is always an element of both confusion and sadness, but that should in no way point you to the assumption that narcissism had anything at all to do with it.

It Ended – You Can Move On

At the end of a relationship, there’s always a time period for sadness and reflection.

What went wrong, and where do I go now?

It’s okay to have those thoughts without blaming anybody for what happened. If it’s run its course, you can be the leader of your own life again and find ways to move on.

What does that look like for you?

Maybe it’s taking some time off work for a vacation. Perhaps it’s meeting up with friends. Getting a new hobby. You might start a new exercise routine to get those endorphins up.

You don’t have to sit in the what ifs.

You don’t have to feel bitter about somebody just because they decided to leave and end what you thought was perfect.

Victim? No Thanks!

I don’t think it’s ever healthy to put yourself in the mentality of being a victim.

When you do, you face extra problems, such as:

Blaming other people all the time
Making excuses for yourself
Not taking enough responsibility – if any at all
Saying things like, “It’s not my fault”
Not looking for solutions to issues
Feeling, and being stuck in powerlessness
Negative self-talk
Self-sabotage
Lack of confidence
Resentment/anger issues
Loneliness

I don’t want that for you, and you shouldn’t want that for yourself either.

Listening to the inner narrative that your ex is a narcissist is often the easy way out. It’s the explanation we want to hear, and because of that, it helps many people feel better about a situation or event that hurt them.

But when you really dig deep – are they narcissistic, or are you feeling pain that will eventually subside?

How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?

Narcissists are happiest when they have a partner they can twist, manipulate and control.

They love to be part of something where everybody else is smaller and less powerful than they are. Their lives then have meaning, just as they feel they should every day.

There are specific ways a narcissist will manipulate their partners, though. As troubling as it may sound, these are textbook ways – and that’s where you need to pay close attention.

If this sounds like your situation, that’s because it likely is.

“My Reality is Fact!”

The reality is that you’re being manipulated by someone who has had much practice. They’ve been exactly where they are now, except with different victims.

“You’re Nothing!”

Being told how worthless you are does a few things.

For the narcissist, it brings them to a new level of control and manipulation. If you hear something enough times, you will start to believe it.

You believe it even more when you’re treated that way alongside those words.

It’s all a tactic, created to destroy your hopes and dreams, your identity, and how you carry yourself each day.

Where you once stood tall, you now slouch and try to be invisible.

That’s exactly how the narcissist wants you.

“It’s Your Fault, Not Mine!”

Narcissists project to get whatever they’ve done wrong out of the light. They don’t want their faults or inappropriate actions to be spotted, and so they throw you out there instead.

So everybody looks at you. The narcissist looks at you as if they feel let down by you.

And you feel that shame, because you take it on. And you take it on because they’ve pushed it so far into you that you have no choice.

This design is set up to get them off the hook.

Thank God you are there for them to treat you this way – without you – they just might look like the bad guy.

Phew for them!

“…”

That’s right, the good old silent treatment. The way narcissists do this is by completely shutting down and ignoring you.

If you’ve experienced it, I don’t need to tell you how uncomfortable it is. It induces panic, fear and worry, and like all things narcissists do, it is unnecessary.

The silent treatment acts to give you nothing at all, so it’s easy for the narcissist to say, “Well, I didn’t say anything horrible. I wasn’t mean,” Then make excuses for them being quiet.

When you’ve been given the silent treatment, you are left to your own insecure devices.

What did I do wrong?

How can I fix this?

What can I do to make them happy?

I must be a terrible person.

What’s going to happen next?

Do you need this?

No.

Yet they make it so prevalent in your world.

It isn’t fair.

“I Must Cause Fallout”

What is life without a little drama? Actually, it’s quite nice. But then again, I’m speaking as an emotionally healthy person, and not a narcissist.

The idea that drama is of such greedy interest to the narcissist is one that never fails to shock me. Why would anybody want to be in the middle of so much negativity?

Narcissists do. As people and emotions explode around them, they can act and do what they like and not be seen to be doing anything wrong at all.

Be careful here – narcissists want to pull strings to see a certain dynamic.

If you’re a part of that, you will suffer.

“Poor Me…”

The victim mentality of a narcissist can stop the most believing people in their tracks.

It’s all been too much for me.

I try my best.

I don’t know what I do wrong to upset people.

I wish people would understand me.

These phrases tug at the heartstrings of those who want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and sadly – yes – it works.

Narcissists always want to look as though they’re being wronged.

This injects:

Guilt
Shame
Self-blame
Self-loathing
Insecurity
Worry
Anxiety
Depression

In their partners, and they know this.

They just don’t care.

“Bringing You Back, Get Ready!”

Let’s take you back to a time where we were so in love, and everything was perfect!

We are so great, you and me. It was us against the world!

Think about all that passion we had. You’re never going to be able to find that anywhere else.

Oh, the manipulation game is strong with these kinds of phrases. They love getting you at your most vulnerable, reflecting on the distorted nostalgia between you.

It’s enough to make you paint over all the cracks in between, isn’t it? And there were a lot of those.

What’s manipulative about this is the narcissist’s attempt to invite you to ignore their abuse, and only focus on the good (which was likely to have felt magical!)

Don’t get sucked into this black hole.

“I Will Tell Everybody!”

Uh-oh. What’s that supposed to mean?

I think you and I both know this is not going to end well with you,

Narcissists will tell whoever listens what a horrible person you are and how you wronged them. They may stretch as far as saying that you are the cheater, you hurt them, you spread lies about them and you’re the manipulative one.

It’s frustrating for victims, but beyond that, it’s absolutely destructive.

Suddenly, your reputation is in tatters. It’s all based on the false word of the narcissist, who, by the way, is likely loving seeing your house of bricks fall down while their house of cards remains.

“Nice, But Not!”

You go out, they act like the perfect partner.

You get home, and they ignore you.

You did this wrong, you did that wrong, you didn’t pay them enough attention, you flirted with that person.

Whatever it is, the charm will switch off. The mask will inevitably slip.

This is where the narcissist has learned not just to manipulate you but also to manipulate everybody else, too. They all think, “What a nice person. They’re such a good couple.”

Also the best one,

“You’re so lucky to have them as your partner!”

Oh boy, if only they knew the truth, right?

The truth is, you aren’t lucky. The narcissist is just very clever. They know buttons to press, when to press them, who to press them with, and they are always ready for it.

You on the other hand then find it even more difficult to convince people of the truth.

This is the sole reason why narcissists manipulate – to make you look like the crazy one eventually, and for them to be the victim.

Why Your Ex Is Likely Not the Narcissist You Think They Are