Why You Will Never Feel Safe in a Narcissistic Relationship

Do you think love conquers all? 

I’m afraid we all want to believe that, but sadly, real life differs substantially.

When it comes to narcissistic relationships, safety is somewhat of a luxury. You’d like to think you’ve found your happy-ever-after, yet you’re left with nothing but toxicity.

You didn’t sign up for this!

Dreams very quickly turn to nightmares when you get tangled up with a narcissist, and safety is something you will only be able to dream of. 

I’m here to tell you why!

The Narcissist Personality

What You’re Looking For

Most people who are drawn to narcissists come from a palace where they previously haven’t felt safe. You’d think that would be the warning sign they need to not walk into the same pattern again, alas, this isn’t the case. 

You’re looking for somebody who is:

• Kind
• Attentive
• Thoughtful
• Funny
• Romantic
• Generous
• Caring
• Loving
• Safe

You long for all of these traits in a single person, and when you find them, you’re immediately hooked. 

The narcissist is there to give you everything you need in the beginning. Could you imagine if you saw the person behind the mask initially?

“It’s nice to meet you! You look a little tired and drab, you should think about that next time you go out in public.”

It would never work!

Narcissists know how to lock you in and make you feel safe. Their aim is to get you to feel like you belong with them, so anything else never seems quite as good, or quite as encapsulating. 

The Need For Safety

The kind of people who are drawn to narcissists are the people who need a strong character to take care of them. It can be an unconscious need, but it’s there all the same. 

The need for safety can stem from not being raised in a loving or secure home. If you grew up with one or both parents who were cold and emotionally neglective, you’ll want something different. 

Looking for the opposite of that will naturally draw you to the initial traits of the narcissist—the charmer, the keeper of your heart, the one who will protect you at all costs.

Until they don’t. 

That neglect I mentioned will spur a person on to look for any kind of love or affection that makes them feel wanted.

Often, those who fall for a narcissist, fall for copies of the very people they were neglected by. The only difference is, they fell for the fakeness, not the reality. 

The Insecurity of Loving a Narcissist

Deep insecurity comes from being neglected. It’s easy to assume you weren’t good enough to be cared for properly. 

You’re used to wishing and wanting, but never getting, so when you finally get some kind of affection – it feels like Christmas. 

The narcissist will see your insecurities by how you hang onto every word they say initially. They will then play on them, creating drama and making you feel isolated in time. This is usually accompanied with numerous critical comments thrown your way for good measure.

Who wouldn’t lose themselves in somebody else’s abuse? 

Loving a narcissist is like being lured into a trap. Once they have you, you’re made to feel too insecure to think anybody else would want you.

That’s why so many people stay in those dynamics, and why they settle for what they have. 

“You’ll never find anybody better than me.”

“Nobody else will want you.”

Narcissists provide the right climate and temperature for insecurities to thrive, and that’s how they grow…

…Believing them.

Perpetual Anxiety: Unlocked

Anxiety is debilitating – and it’s the fear of the unknown. It’s not knowing the future, being uncertain, and assuming it’ll be terrible.

Anxiety looks like walking on eggshells, never knowing what mood somebody is going to be in. If you have experienced that with a narcissist, you’ll know it can really keep you on edge. 

That’s the narcissist’s plan – to always keep you feeling on the other side of ‘safe.’

It’s endless, and you never feel like there’s ever any other way to live. 

Why Safety in a Relationship is Impossible with a Narcissist

Knowing what you know already, let’s run down why you will never feel safe with a narcissistic relationship.

#1 They Don’t Love You

They may say they do – but they don’t know real love. They can’t express something so vulnerable, because it will reveal to others a little weakness. Narcissists are keen to keep any weakness under wraps. They will hide it with their larger than life, destructive egos. 

You’ll never be safe with somebody who can’t align their feelings with their words. 

This non-committal is enough to make anybody feel unsafe. 

#2 The Mood Changes

From hot to cold, lukewarm to freezing – the moods change fast. It’s a job to keep up, and be expected to ride the roller coaster of emotions with them.

They can even brand you boring for being so unprepared to meet them at their highs and lows. The mood changes are real; just as you adjust to one, they hit you with another.

It’s not a safe ride, and it will leave you feeling emotionally drained and overly anxious.

#3 Losing Yourself

Through all the chaos and conflict, you will undoubtedly lose yourself in a narcissistic relationship. 

Nobody safe and secure should be losing themselves. In fact, the more healthy your relationship, the more you have the space to honor your identity. This isn’t possible with a narcissist. 

#4 They Will Never Defend You

You can be facing the hardest of times, with the most difficult of people – the narcissist will never defend you. 

Narcissists don’t like confrontation because they fear somebody will discover the real them.’ They avoid getting into too much trouble to maintain their image. If you are stuck and need them to help, stand up for you – never expect it to happen. You’ll be left high and dry, without hesitation. 

#5 Grieving What Never Was

It takes time to get over any relationship, but getting over a narcissistic relationship hits differently. 

You’re left grieving something that never was. Grief is how we process loss, and that loss can be never feeling safe in what you thought was going to be a happy ending. 

It’s normal for a person to regret their choices without realizing they weren’t to blame.

Falling for a narcissist is like being tricked. Once you’re in, it’s hard to get out. Therefore, you should at least give yourself credit for finding that exit. 

Not everybody is that lucky.

Now you move forward, knowing what you need to steer clear of. You’re aware of the red flags, and will do all you can to sidestep them if you see them in your path.