The tone of a narcissist will alter depending on who they’re talking to, and what they want.
They know that they’re asking for too much, not because they have any kind of conscience, but because their tone changes.
It’s sudden, but you know the difference, and you know what’s coming.
As the gentle tone reaches your ears, it can be almost triggering as they won’t ask outright or admit they’re reaching the limits of what should be asked. Instead, narcissists go for it anyway, and yet again, overstep.
Here’s why.
#1 By now, you’re used to the tone
And it can change, right? In the blink of an eye, or a tick of the clock, the tone of a narcissist can switch up, down, left and right, depending on what mood they’re in.
But there are also other factors that increase the chances of their tone of voiceshifting, and why sometimes they can sound totally arrogant, and other times the most gentle person on the planet.
However the tone goes, you’re more than used to the shift. It’s a huge part of the reason why you always feel as though you’re walking on eggshells.
What voice will I get today?
When will it change?
What will I do to be the reason why the voice changes?
How can I just live a peaceful life, with consistency?
It’s not that easy with a narcissist.
#2 The harshness has left you numb
It’s the case for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse everywhere.
The harshness of their voice has left you feeling numb. You get triggered when you hear a switch up, because you know something has happened, or is about to happen.
I think the worst part about feeling triggered to a point where it leaves you feeling numb is that it’s a sign you’ve grown so accustomed to being triggered that it actually feels normal.
#3 Hearing the gentle tone creep in
And so… the gentle tone creeps in. The voice softens, and a sickly sweet smile is painted over the narcissist’s face.
They tilt their head, looking at you with an almost sympathetic expression on their face that is equally soft and open.
You have seen this before, or maybe you haven’t. If you have, you know what’s coming. If you haven’t, you’re about to be tricked.
Hey you. How was your day?
You look great. Do you fancy a cuddle and a movie on the couch tonight?
Something’s going on.
#4 What the gentle tone means
The gentle tone of a narcissist is like a preface in a book that doesn’t match what’s about to happen.
Their trickery allows you to fall into this trap of niceness that’s really only for show. It’s been planned, and is so hollow that you could crack it just by breathing heavily.
There’s no authenticity to the way a person creeps in with a gentle tone just to get what they want. If they were nice all the time, there would be no need to even pretend.
But then again, we are talking about narcissists here…
The problem is, victims are comforted by a gentle tone.
It’s what they always want to hear, and now it’s coming from a person they usually fear, they’re immediately drawn to how wonderfully stable it sounds.
#5 Asking for too much: the trap
The gentle voice, if you didn’t know by now, is nothing but a trap. It works by luring you into a false sense of reality, where the narcissist is a good person, with honest intentions.
You hear their gentle voice, and assume it’s safe to proceed into a conversation, or that you won’t be asked anything too out of your range.
Knowing the narcissist is likely to follow up their gentle voice with a crossing over of your boundaries is a good way of never falling for that fake softness ever again. But we all learn the hard way the first time around.
And so, the gentle voice comes…
Hey, while I have you, You know, I need a little bit of a loan between now and when I get paid.
I know I am totally overstepping, but you know me. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate. I just need $400. I promise you’ll get it back.
So, while we are talking, I know I said I would spend more time with you, but I have to work late all next week.
It means I won’t be able to go to those parent/teacher nights with you, and you won’t be able to go to your book club and fitness class, either.
But you know, it’s money and it’s good to work for more.
Do you think you could finance a new car? I know I could, but your credit score is so much better than mine, and I would love to be able to use it for work.
#6 The narcissist hopes…
…You are far more likely to respond positively if they come at you calmly.
When they’ve got you in the frame of mind where you actually feel regulated, it will make things so much harder for you if you bite back with a resounding no.
You see the trap now?
There’s no need to be rude.
You don’t have to be this blunt. I was just trying to ask nicely.
You always say I am far too direct. I was just trying a different approach, and still I am wrong somehow.
So even after they’ve ployed you with fake-gentleness as a manipulative way of getting what they want, you’re still blamed and pegged as the bad guy.
You want to scream:
Make it make sense!
There is no sense when it comes to narcissists. They have none, and you will never be told that you’re justified in refuting whatever it is they’re asking you that’s too much.
#7 Be smarter than them
The more time you spend with a narcissist, the easier it will be to spot when they shift their tones of voice.
You’ll hear it, like a sickly sweet kids song that you just want to forget.
And the alarm bells will sound in your mind, and those red flags will be waved like there’s no tomorrow.
Be smarter than they are. Notice what’s happening. Keep track of the dynamics and watch out for a change.
A softening of their shoulders. A smile that almost feels sympathetic .
A loving sigh and an arm around the shoulder while you’re watching your favorite show.
Know that as much as you wish these affectionate acts were honest and authentic, they are not.
Admitting this to yourself is the best place to start for watching out for their gentle tones, and knowing it’s you who will be asked too much.
Giving the narcissist too much will mean an encroachment of your boundaries.
I know they love to do that anyway, but the less opportunity you give them to do that, the less they will be able to win.
Nobody likes to see a victorious narcissist, and I know for a fact that you can win this.
