Seeing as all narcissists thrive on your reactions, what kind of power do you think comes from silence?
You’d be forgiven for thinking that silence means you are tolerating their behavior without daring to speak up, but silence can actually be a strong way to deal with them.
When a narcissist only thrives on your tears and words, learning the art of silence is one of the most powerful things you can do to a narcissist, and here’s how to do it effectively.
1 A narcissist only thrives when you…
Think of a narcissist like a huge fire, and your reactions are a can of gasoline.
When you pour them out on the flames, those flames ignite and shoot up, causing an even bigger fire, enough to light up the sky, and maybe even create more damage. It certainly takes a lot more effort to put it out than it would have before.
A narcissist thrives when you are under the right conditions for them. Your reactions can look like anything, from tears to shouting, worry to exhaustion, stress to frustration, insecurity to depression.
If the narcissist is acting in a way that causes a reaction from you, they will love the feeling that kind of control has on them.
At this point, it’s wise to ask yourself what kind of person really likes to watch you be so unhappy? What kind of person smiles when you’re down, and kicks you before you have the chance or energy to get back up?
And most importantly, is that kind of person really good for you?
Where can your power derive from? At what point do you want to give them nothing, so that their power diminishes?
2 The pleasure behind your reactions
I’ll cut a long story short here, by saying:
A narcissist is so full of self-loathing that the only way they find pleasure is by making you feel as unhappy and unfulfilled as they are.
There is a pleasure for them in seeing your life fall apart, and it’s always where they will feel the most satisfied.
As they get to know you, they get to know each and every fear and trigger that you have, and they learn when and how to press the button to cause you to feel those things.
Your reactions tell them that they’re able to manipulate moments to the point where they can change the outcome.
When you react, the outcome is that they planted a seed in your mind, and you rejected it through your response.
Nothing about this is fine. Nothing about this is even remotely close to normal, yet the narcissist thrives, knowing they’ve chipped away that little bit more at you, leaving you less of yourself than you were the day before.
Victims hate this, and yet they feel so powerless. They miss the person they used to be, but the problem remains that they just don’t know how to change it.
Wanting even just a smidgen of power can snowball into much bigger things for victims, but it has to start somewhere.
So, where can it start for you? Where can you find the strength to turn your reactions into silence, so that the narcissist has nothing to go by, to feed from, and to steal from you?
Here’s where it gets fun.
3 Silence: when used properly…
Oof, I want you all to experience what this feels like, because silence when used properly can take away the power of every other person in the room.
Let’s look at a few examples:
Example 1: The narcissist has just got home from work, and you haven’t had time to cook dinner yet.
They start yelling at you, and this would usually be where you profusely apologize, and start pulling food out of the fridge to prepare.
They remain moody, but at least they’ve got what they wanted, right? You’re on the dinner, and they got the reaction they were hoping for: your apology and panic.
Example 2: You are both invited to a family party, and you are about to head out the door, when the narcissist says, after complaining about going all night, that they’re too sick to go.
You sigh, feeling frustrated that this always happens. You text your family, saying you guys can’t make it as they’re sick and you don’t want to spread it.
Let’s look at how silence would transform these scenarios. First off, great, you didn’t do the dinner. What’s the harm? It can be whipped up in twenty minutes.
You shrug it off with little to no reaction, and certainly no words. What does the narcissist have then?
Do they have your apology? Your panic? Nothing. You don’t have to explain yourself, you just get on with it, and the drama is a fraction, if that, of what it was before. Best of all ,the narcissist doesn’t get to gloat inwardly about how their power caused you to be triggered.
Secondly, narcissists love to do this kind of thing to draw attention away from events or occasions, and mostly, victims decide to stay home, too. Why should you? Shrug, tell them they can stay home, and leave, without another word.
Your silence speaks volumes here. You’re saying, “Okay you stay home if you’re sick, but I am not missing out on this.” You know it isn’t a genuine sickness anyway, they’re just behaving that way to pull out of something you’ve been looking forward to.
Missing out on life means the narcissist is able to dictate to you what memories you’ll have in ten years time. Make sure those memories are worth remembering.
When used properly, silence can be a powerful tool for you to be in control, and that’s what you should always be aiming for.
4 Your silence is your power: here’s why
What can come from silence? What derives from nothing? Nothing!
I know you’re used to the kinds of dynamics where the narcissist ignites a flame, and you try hard to control them. One thing that starves flames, is not reacting to them. It’s cutting off everything around them, so the fire has nothing to spread onto.
Those are the kinds of flames that die out quickly, and you have the power to make that happen if you wanted to.
It can be hard to transition from somebody who reacts, to somebody who doesn’t. It’s not about holding it all inside so that you feel as though you want to burst.
Instead, it’s more that you just let the narcissist have their little stompy moment, while you just sit back and say and do nothing.
In your mind, if that’s how they want to act, then fine. But you are not going to be drawn into it today, nor tomorrow, and the next day.
The narcissist won’t like it, but that’s down to you not being the same as you were before. You won’t be pushed around any longer. Your silence is a new power that doesn’t involve any other weight behind it other than your own certainty that you’re finally doing something good for yourself.
