It’s typical of a narcissist to want to keep drama alive in their relationships. You are not at fault for the constant air of chaos, you are just caught up in their games.
They start arguments for no reason, and that can be a daily problem for those who are unwillingly drawn in. Narcissists see an opportunity to strike, and they go for it.
But why? What is it about an argument that really makes them feel alive, especially when you’re struggling to stay afloat?
Let’s find out.
#1 You’ve got the patience, and the narcissist knows it
First thing’s first, let’s load the topic with a fact for you. It will hit you like a lightning bolt, but it’s true, all the same.
Narcissists know how patient you are. They love to pick victims who have a neverending supply of it. They know that your patience will allow them to cross as many boundaries as they want, with little comeback on them.
There. I said it. And I mean it. There are people out there who wouldn’t last five minutes in the company of a narcissist, and that’s usually because they just wouldn’t be able to stomach their character.
You? You want to be kind. You give people a chance, and if they are kind to you, all the better.
As soon as you’ve gotten to know them more intimately, they know they’ve got you right where they want you.
#2 Unable to entertain themselves?
I’m afraid that’s the case, with every single narcissist. You will never hear about them being at home for long periods of time alone.
New Guide
Most People Break No Contact Within Two Weeks. I Wrote a Guide That Shows You How Not To.
The exact steps, the exact scripts for when they come back, and an honest day-by-day guide through the first 30 days. 26 pages. Instant download.
Get the Playbook for $27 →PDF · Instant download · 30-day money back guarantee
You won’t see them going for a walk by themselves, or being happy sitting down and reading a nice book with a cup of coffee.
They can’t stand their own company. They don’t fill boredom with the things you or I do, because that might mean a few minutes to sit alone with their true feelings.
Feelings of: I am a failure.
Feelings of: I am insecure.
Feelings of: I hate myself.
Feelings of: I hate vulnerability.
They can’t entertain themselves, so they take their boredom and try to make something fun out of it.
Usually, that’s where you come in. Unsuspecting, innocent you.
#3 Living for your reaction
To the narcissist, an argument is a chance to stir things up. It’s a chance to see you fall at your feet, wondering how to fix it.
They see you wanting to keep the peace, but they push and push you.
Remembering your triggers, they dig up what makes you tick, letting them loose into the moment.
They watch the fear rise up in your eyes as you finally snap. You don’t want to, but that’s just it is.
You immediately feel guilty for yelling. You seem to have made everything so much worse, and for the narcissist, they’ve suddenly gone quiet as they watch your anger unfold.
You say things you don’t mean, but right there, you felt you had no choice.
The narcissist lives for your reaction. They want to see you snap and lose it, because then they have something solid to work with. They know that your reaction is going to be the topic of conversation from here on out.
You yelled at me.
Why are you so angry?
What did I do that was so bad?
And there you have it…
#4 Using you as a way to shift blame
…That’s right. The blame shift.
You’re all familiar with it, I know you are. An argument comes out of nowhere.
You have no idea how or why, but you know you’re in it. You know the narcissist started this, but they’ve only got bad news for you.
This is all because you…
This would never have happened if you…
You’re just too…
Why do you always…
Everything was fine until you…
There it is. All you, time and time again. You know this isn’t an accurate representation of the dynamics, but you see this side of a narcissist that just can’t help themselves.
They have to start an argument, but they absolutely cannot be seen as the instigator.
That’s why blame shifting is such a popular tactic. They get what they want and you get to feel bad for it.
Where is the justice? There isn’t any.
#5 What are they trying to sabotage?
Everywhere a narcissist goes they’re looking to sabotage. Think about what kind of person would do such a thing, and then realize that if you involve yourself with one, you’re going to be abused.
Narcissists want to sabotage everything. Your happiness is just the tip of the iceberg. Let’s get even more specific.
Narcissists want to sabotage:
- Your day. What was planned? Were you seeing friends? Do you have a job interview or presentation? Are you due to sit a test? Do you have a medical appointment? Maybe it’s none of those things. Maybe you have a day off, and you wanted to rest and relax. Regardless, the narcissist will start an argument because they can, and because your day will be ruined.
- Important events. From Holidays to vacations, from weddings to birthdays, the narcissist wants it to be all about them. Your attention has been taken up too much by this day, and so now you have to pay for it.
- You. Your confidence, your self-esteem, your self-belief; all of it.
And you know what the worst part is? They are so good at sabotaging.
#6 Hoping you will eventually dread every day
That’s their aim! If you live your life dreading every single day, then the narcissist has got exactly what they want.
They’re happy knowing that you don’t step into new opportunities with excitement. They want to see you worry and panic, and always assume the worst.
If you can live that way, you’re only really existing. And that is a really big shame.
This is the case for so many victims, though. They learn to stop celebrating life and all the little ways it can be magical.
They dread, they stop smiling, and they leave their expectations at the door. They know something will go wrong, and that it will somehow be your fault.
So you stop bothering. You stop dressing up and feeling happy.
You stop seeing the good life has to offer.
#7 Arguments equal excitement
As far as the narcissist is concerned, any argument they can whip up will excite them.
They know they’ve already won the second you start reacting to them, which works for any abusive dynamic.
To be able to see you react gives the narcissist a great sense of power, and tells them that they are firmly in the driver’s seat when it comes to outcomes.
It’s not healthy, and it never will be, and that’s why abuse cycles can be so addictive for victims.
They love the highs, so they will tolerate the lows. That means dipping down to extremely dark places just to get the odd breadcrumb of affection, and often is the case with so many.
Any argument that starts for no reason – upon closer inspection – isn’t really for no reason. The narcissist has their reasons, as toxic as they may be.
