When a narcissist ruins important days, don’t for one second think it is a coincidence.
Reflecting on your time with them, it will be birthdays, anniversaries, Holidays or even a day you wanted to celebrate an achievement.
Somehow, joy is twisted and converted into tension, and conflict becomes the dominant experience, leaving happiness locked out.
Narcissists ruin important days before they even begin, and knowing why will help you anticipate less, and heal more.
#1 What your important day means to you
The fact that it’s an important day must mean it holds a lot of meaning.
It doesn’t matter what the day holds, but you have to pay attention to the fact that something big is going on, and you are a part of it in some way.
Have you been planning it for a long time? Was it always there; like a specific day on the calendar that you’ve been anticipating or looking forward to?
The narcissist will know, either way. They will be fully aware of what’s upcoming, and that’s the bit I think many victims struggle to come to terms with.
You knew what this meant to me, and you still somehow managed to ruin it.
And for those who are used to this? Well, it becomes typical, but more about that in a little while .
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#2 What it means to the narcissist
Nothing.
They hate important days, especially if those days involve you. Let’s break that down, because you have to know exactly what that means.
To the narcissist, you don’t really mean anything to them. They want you to think you do, but the reality is, you never have and never will.
Your important days aren’t just about the actual day, but in the lead up to them, too.
These all count as days the narcissist can ruin, and by the time the big day arrives, you are dreading it.
You would rather skip it all entirely because you’re so fed up with the drama that you’ve been dragged through.
The narcissist hates any day that isn’t about them, so important days to you will be crushed thick and fast.
#3 The build up
Don’t underestimate the damage a narcissist can do in a build up to your important day.
From coming home for no reason and starting a fight, to silently slamming doors and refusing to talk to you, they will find a way to drown the mood and excitement, and take attention away from the day you’re focusing on.
You might notice they forget to help you. If you need something picked up from the dry cleaners, or if they offered to prep the car for a journey; they will forget.
They will make excuses as to why they can no longer fulfill that promise they made to you.
And then there’s asking more of you, or pretending to be sick, or keeping you awake every night so you end up exhausted and not even sure what time or day it is.
Will they directly come out and say, “I want to ruin this day”? No! Of course not.
It’s always subtle, it’s always covert, and they will blame you if you accuse them of sabotage.
The build up is the time the narcissist has to get you from feeling excited, to feeling as though they would rather crawl under a rock than experience the important day.
#4 What narcissistic ruin does
In a moment, nothing much changes. Over time? That’s a different story.
You can excuse a person who is having a hard time around an important day.
Life sometimes goes that way, but the key is spotting how they respond to their challenges and moods.
Are they remorseful? Do they want to leave you out of it so you can continue with what you need? Are they draining you, and ruining what’s coming?
Narcissistic ruin will never be direct. The narcissist will never come out and admit that this is what they’re doing to you, but they will repeat their ruin for all important days.
You will come to realize that the dread you feel about the big day isn’t because you dread the event, but you dread how it will present and show up in the narcissist.
You’ll soon think, “We may as well cancel this. I’m not looking forward to it.”
Worryingly, you may even get to the stage where you don’t want to make a big deal of what matters, which will teach you that you aren’t worth experiencing what’s usually big and impactful.
#5 One of you is happy…
That’s always how it goes!
One of you is bound to be happy that these big events are being ruined.
I highly doubt it’s going to be you; the one person who just wants everything to run smoothly.
Yet it never goes that way, and so you learn to make the big days small. You almost want to sweep them under the carpet and stop talking about them.
If you do that, the narcissist wins. If you do that, you learn to stop celebrating life, you, the people you love, or even important annual calendar Holidays like Christmas or birthdays.
One of you will always be happy that their plan is working, and seeing as it’s not you with the plan to ruin, it will be the narcissist.
#6 …The other is done
While they are happy that their toxic plan is working, you will be left feeling totally fed up.
Yet again, you have to face this day with stress instead of joy. Where love and excitement should be, you are looking at nothing but dread and fear.
The fact that the narcissist is kicking off and causing drama proves that they aren’t bothered about any days of importance.
They aren’t bothered by you.
It’s not good at all.
#7 Why this strategy always works for the narcissist
Narcissists will always carry on doing what they always know to work.
The car won’t start.
I can’t find my keys.
What’s your problem?
Why are you being moody?
I don’t feel well.
My back hurts.
I am so stressed with work.
I don’t know what else you want me to do.
I don’t think this is working.
I’m not happy.
You seem distant.
The comments can come from literally any direction in the field, but they always land the same way.
They know it works. They know you will respond with fear, worry, panic, or overcompensate for their manipulation by overly justifying yourself.
Your attention will be diverted from the day, and before you know it, that important day suddenly goes out the window.
That’s why narcissists do it. They get the attention, and it works, but it’s sneaky, and they smirk to themselves knowing just how much they’re getting to you, while simultaneously ruining your important day.
The key is to not let it happen again, and to start piecing the puzzle together so you can see the patterns forming before the narcissist realizes.
Being a step ahead, and when they think you’re not looking, you start to understand.
It’s the only way you can overcome this intentional ruin.
