I present today, Hannah:
For the sake of this topic, my name is Hannah. I have been given the spotlight today after a lot of therapeutic work, due to over forty years of narcissistic abuse by my now ex-husband.
It’s taken me a while to realize that I have a voice, but I want to use it to help you understand why narcissists quietly sabotage the things that make you happy.
I speak from experience, and it is my honor to be able to share my story.
#1 When you are happy…
I would like to think I used to be a happy person.
When I first met my ex-husband, who I will call Tim, I loved to crochet, swim, bake, paint; I had so many hobbies. I liked to be creative, because it helped me be me.
When you’re happy and around a narcissist, they don’t like to witness it, they like to ruin it.
I’d walk into a room with a smile after a nice moonlight coldwater swim, and Tim would roll his eyes at me and tut. I’d ask what was wrong, and he’d just say, “You and your silly hippie swims,” and leave the room.
A narcissist hates to see a happy person, and I’ve learned now that this is only because they don’t know how to be happy themselves, and are angry somehow that they aren’t a part of that happiness.
#2 What happiness means to the narcissist
Tim used to enjoy music and golf, but it was more of a status thing for him.
My happiness – and any identity I was trying to carve out for myself – meant nothing to Tim.
Looking back, I see the numerous ways he would rip away little pieces of me that made me feel joy and ignite that spark, until one day, I had no spark left.
As far as Tim was concerned, I was only allowed to be a little bit happy when he gave me permission to, which wasn’t very often at all.
#3 Never one to let things just be
For me, this was a huge part of the abuse I faced. Entering therapy after my divorce taught me that Tim was never one to just let things be.
If there was a mood to kill, he would kill it. If there was a fraction of positivity in the air, Tim would suck it all up and leave everybody else with nothing.
He was never content with life being just life, it always had to be laced with some kind of drama or conflict that he would always pretend to not be a part of.
It was only in the latter years together I could step back enough to see what was really going on, and that’s when I had to leave.
He was quiet about his mission, that’s for sure.
#4 Forcing your misery upon you
If it wasn’t bad enough that Tim took away the things I love by ruining my enjoyment for them, he would then force me to face my own misery.
He’d say things like, “What’s gotten into you?”, or , “Why are you walking around like a dark cloud?”
I’d find myself saying sorry, and that I just wasn’t feeling myself that particular day.
I never put it down to the fact that all the things that brought me joy were no longer a regular part of my daily life.
He sabotaged my joy because:
- He didn’t have any hobbies himself
- He was too afraid to explore what made him truly happy
- He thought feeling happy was for weak people
- His ego was too large to find new things to learn – it meant he might not be perfect at them at first.
It makes a difference you know; not being able to express yourself through your hobbies.
That’s where I found myself.
#5 The quieter, the better
Tim, like all narcissists, loved to be quiet when he sabotaged. I’d notice my paintbrushes going missing, or he would spill coffee on my new book and not replace it.
He would turn off my music the moment I left the room, and put his on.
I just wanted him to be happy, so I let him do it rather than cause an argument, as I knew that would happen.
Looking back, I know now that he was so quiet about it because he didn’t want to be the obvious reason why I stopped doing what made me happy.
He didn’t want that direct blame, and so his innocence would sit in his oblivion.
Narcissists will sabotage the things that make you happy by:
- Making plans that involve you when they know you have that art class, or book club. Then they will make you feel guilty if you pick the thing you love because they are “trying to be thoughtful.”
- Moving or hiding objects that you use for your hobbies, pretending they have no idea what you’re talking about.
- Start a fight right before you are due to leave for your morning walk, so you don’t feel like going.
They won’t relate it to the thing you love to do, but they will time it so that you don’t or can’t do it.
#6 Eventually, you hollow out
I’m sad to say that yes, eventually as a victim, you do succumb to the treatment you get from the narcissist.
Without even realizing it, you just become somebody you don’t recognize, but more than that, you have no idea where that person went, when they left you, and how.
When you feel at your most hollow, that’s when narcissists tend to criticize you for not being any fun, or for being miserable.
You can’t win, because you can’t just magic up charisma. They strip you of everything, and then blame you for the consequence of that.
It really is the worst feeling in the world, but I think what can be worse at times is when you, the victim, learns to sabotage what you love through patterns of habit and behavior fired from them.
That’s when things can get very sad.
#7 When feeling nothing is the most dangerous of all
I used to think that feeling frustrated or angry, or even sad was the worst feeling in the world, but now I am learning to appreciate that feeling nothing is the most dangerous way to live.
When there’s nothing in you, and all you feel is a numbness running through your veins, that’s when I feel you need to remember who is responsible.
Facing that truth isn’t what I imagine you want to do, but the hardest step is always the first.
When a narcissist ruins what makes you happy, it is always because they are jealous of the fact that you are willing to make mistakes and learn something new.
They can’t do that, and so they make it their mission for you not to want to, either.
