Why Narcissists Need You

Let me preface this by agreeing with you on one thing:

Narcissists definitely give you the impression they don’t need you – or anybody else for that matter. 

Yes – they want to be seen as independent. They love to look like they have everything under control without so much as a breath of support from you.

Reality is about as contrasting as it can get.

Reality is that narcissists are more dependent on other people than you could ever imagine.

If you’re heavily involved with one, they need you more than you need them.

They know it, but I am about to let you in on the secrets, so you know it too.

They Pretend They Don’t But…

Narcissists are really good at pretending they don’t care if you’re around or not. If you were to ask one directly, “Do you need me?” – you’d be met with a scoff and a laugh.

Me? 

Need you? 

What have you been drinking? 

Are you serious? 

You aren’t that special!

They’ve perfected the art of the whole Me, Myself and I act. In fact, they will probably tell you that they invented it!

Let’s get down to the truth here:

They need you for so many reasons. 

You’ll never really understand why, because they’re never going to admit any of it. 

Needing You…

It can be strange to think that the narcissist needs you.

The person you suffer from every day in some way is the one who needs you.

The one who acts like they couldn’t care any less about you more than half the time – needs you.

Like I said, it isn’t supposed to make total sense to you at this stage, but scratching below the surface will reveal it all.

So, let’s get scratching!

#1 Narcissists Need Your Supply

First and foremost – narcissists need the supply you give them.

Whether intentional or not, you give them exactly what they need to continue to be overinflated and infatuated with perfection. 

They want you to be at their beck and call. 

Your face dropping when they resume the silent treatment will make them feel important. 

The pain you feel when they reject you will make them feel empowered. 

The kindness and forgiveness you offer them in return for a peaceful life will create a neverending list of things they feel they can get away with doing. 

Everything you do to your own detriment, will be their supply. 

#2 Narcissists Need Your Loyalty

If you can show that you are loyal to anybody, that person will prove to those around them that they’re worthy of that loyalty. 

Think about it.

All the times you defend them, all the times you stand up and speak of your appreciation or love for them—you’re giving everybody a clear message.

You’re saying:

This person is kind and loving, and I am publicly expressing how much they mean to me.

It’s what the narcissist wants, because it seals the belief that they’re a good person. 

It’s why they are so intermittently nice to you. Those little surprise weekends away or wonderfully generous gestures – they’re not for you. 

They’re for you to stick around.

In turn – they’re actually for the narcissist. 

Do you see how every single thing they do ends up being just for them?

#3 Narcissists Need You To Dig Yourself a Hole

Think about this for a moment, because it’s quite something.

I want you to think about separating from a narcissist. You tell a few close friends what you went through, and they refuse to believe you.

Why?

Because they have seen all the times you’ve defended the narcissist in the past. You’ve always told everybody about how romantic they are, or how spoiled you were on your birthday.

Narcissists need you to say all of those things.

Why?

When you do part ways, you’ll have a hard time convincing people that you weren’t the problem.

How can they be like that? You always tell us how amazing they are!

It’s like a jigsaw puzzle put together to put you in the blame seat.

And the jigsaw puzzle was made entirely by the narcissist. 

#4 You’re Their Next Project!

I know it sounds really insensitive, but that’s exactly how the narcissist sees you.

Narcissists are in their prime when they successfully do something. They will meet you and see you as a project, not a person.

They want to conquer and control, and they will cause as much destruction as possible every single step of the way. 

Without you there, there would be no project. And yes, you’re just innocently meeting somebody who seemingly sweeps you off your feet, I get it.

You’re seeing the good in everything they’re offering you.

For them, all they see is another huge opportunity to suck the life and soul out of a good person and leave them feeling drained of all energy and hope. 

#5 They Want to Look Important Next To You

It’s ironic how a narcissist will tell you how much of a failure you are yet refuse to let you grow and succeed while with them.

I try to show as many people this aspect of narcissistic abuse as possible because it’s completely lost on so many victims.

They feel like nothing they do is good enough while simultaneously being suppressed.

Stay at home and look after the house while I go to work.

You don’t need to finish your degree. I earn more than enough for both of us.

I don’t want you working. I want you to focus on making the house a real home. 

And then what?

You just sit around all day!

I earn the money, I am the one with the say on how it’s spent!

Without you, the narcissist would be unable to assert themselves in such insidious ways. They cannot have their power trip without you supplying the electric charge.

They want to look important. If you are more successful than them, the dynamics aren’t going to work at all. 

Knowing What You’re In For…

I know it’s unlikely to help you when you’re stuck in it, but if you can start to see yourself as the unproblematic person in this equation – you’ll be fine. 

Every narcissist has a plan, and all the plans run along the same path. 

Needing you has nothing to do with actively wanting or loving you. 

It’s not what anybody who is in love with a narcissist wants to hear, but it’s how you start to pull away and heal.