If the time for resolutions is near, I want you to think about the kinds that mean you get to change your life for the better.
They don’t have to be big, but they have to be personalized for you.
And what else?
Keep them!
Narcissists are forever making huge resolutions every year and telling the world all about them, but they’ve no real intention to keep any of them.
I want to explain why right now.
#1 New Year is rolling in
As you start counting down from ten, waiting for the lock to strike midnight, one thing is for certain.
You are with the narcissist, and you just had the best conversation about New Year’s resolutions.
Together, you’ve thought of several that both mean the world to you, and you have every confidence that they’re going to be seen out with the best intentions by both of you.
Well, I have faith in only one of you. As for the other, you can forget about it.
Narcissists might make resolutions, but they certainly don’t keep them.
And these resolutions? They are big! They’re especially for your ears because, the bigger they are, the more likely you are to be momentarily impressed by their efforts to improve aspects of their lives.
That’s why, as you’re counting down to that brand new year, you do it full of hope and excitement for what’s to come.
The narcissist?
Not so much.
They have no honest part of them that wants to see any of them through.
#2 Chatting about hopes and dreams
Before we talk about the narcissist talking about hopes and dreams, I want you to think about how often you hope and dream on a day to day basis.
Do you give the narcissist the benefit of the doubt because you hope they will change? Do you dream about them one day waking up and being the kind and loving person you wish they were?
That’s why this big resolution fills you up with excitement. Will it come true? Oh wait and pray that this means big change, but you should know by now, they’re only saying it to make you happy in that moment.
#3 Keeping you happy
When you first meet a narcissist, they do everything in their power to make you happy. They spoil you with time, love and affection.
They take an interest in anything you have to say and for you, it will feel like you two are the only people on the planet.
What a connection, you’ll think.
But it’s not. It’s how narcissists develop and lock in trauma bonds that can remain forever.
Keeping you happy is quite another thing, and far more challenging for a person who is actually an abuser.
You should know that you are not meant to be in this relationship, and any big resolution made to keep you happy should be highly disregarded by the reality that they are only out to destroy you.
I know that might be quite direct, and not necessarily what you want to hear, but there’s no real way of sidestepping the reality that you are only with them for them to break you and steal your happiness.
Don’t be fooled by their pretense, because they will never be able to keep it up long enough for you to feel remotely safe or secure.
#4 It means nothing to them
Resolutions don’t mean a thing to the narcissist. Remember, we are talking about promises here; the very thing the narcissist makes to you every single day, and they don’t keep those either.
Resolutions are no different, but they tend to come wrapped up in sickly sweet talk to really make you think, “This time it’s different.”
It’s not any different, just another opportunity for the narcissist to let you down and show you that they don’t care about what they promise you. For them,words are only important in the moment to appease you.
You then hope, and look for signs of change, but that change never occurs.
#5 Future faking to keep you close by
The future faking of a narcissist is a really dangerous game, because believing what they say leads to a level of false hope that will damage you the longer you stay with them.
Future faking is one of the key aspects of disloyalty to a victim. It gives the impression that they know what it takes to make you happy, and saying the words feel as good as if they were being actually true to them.
For you, you wait. Like you’re waiting at the bus stop for the last bus home, and it never arrives. Every time you see headlights, you look up, hopeful that it’s coming.
But it doesn’t.
And neither do the promises the narcissist makes.
#6 Selective memory: gaslight central
What resolution?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Why would I make that resolution?
Are you imagining things again?
You really ought to test your memory with a doctor.
No. That’s not what’s happening here, and you shouldn’t be convinced that it is.
Narcissists love to pretend they didn’t say what they really did say, which is often why so many victims keep a log of conversations or events, so they know they aren’t going crazy.
Any opportunity to gaslight you, and they absolutely will.
#7 Denial: You must be going crazy
In theme with the gaslighting, the denial is a way for the narcissist to convince you that you’re going crazy.
It must be you because it’s not me.
We already know narcissists will blame the entire world for their car not working before they admit they let the battery die overnight.
A big resolution is no different. The sheer audacity of anybody denying what they made a resolution on literally hours before is shocking.
#8 When the blame becomes you
I think one of the most common comments I get from you all is, “Why do I always feel so bad around the narcissist?”
It’s because they love to blame you, and make everything your fault.
They’re so clued up on how to make that happen, too. You are led to believe that anything that goes wrong is because of you somehow, even when you weren’t there and had nothing to do with it.
When resolutions fail, the narcissist will look at you with a frown:
I told you I wasn’t going to drink this year.
Did you force the glass of beer into the narcissist’s hand and hold a weapon to their head, demanding they drink it?
No, you didn’t.
The blame will eventually become you, and it will eat you alive that you had a hand in breaking big resolutions the narcissist made. But the mistake to make is that you believe they were going to keep them in the first place.
There is always the intent that the narcissist will let go of what they said meant a lot to them.
I think all victims need to make it abundantly clear to themselves that the blame should not be placed on them.
