Guilt is one of those emotions that nobody with a healthy sense of self wants to place onto anybody.
Why would they?
It just makes them feel bad, and regret anything that caused you both to get to that point.
If you’re being made to feel guilty, there will be something about the person doing it that will make you want to scratch below the surface.
You can bet they aren’t the healthy people I just mentioned.
Narcissists never are.
They love to trigger feelings of guilt and will try to do so as much as they can.
Why?
Well, it’s funny you should ask…
Guilt? Tell Me More!
Well, it’s hard to comprehend any narcissist feeling guilty. It’s not in their make-up. Any guilt that zooms their way, they bat off like it’s some kind of field ball game.
And guess who it goes to?
You!
Guilt like a kind of glue that binds trauma-bonded relationships together. It becomes the gravitational pull for people to lean into as they remain with people who they are simply attached to, and no more.
Examples
Let’s say you have a narcissistic parent, who insists you call them every day to see how they are. They may be perfectly healthy, but as you’re their child, you owe them the grace of attention and thought.
You hate the call. She complains about everybody in the family. She complains about her life. She never asks how you are. It messes with your day, you get that feeling of dread – but you do it.
Why?
Because you feel obliged to, and you’d feel guilty if you didn’t. But why?
Because you applied some boundaries?
What about if you had a sibling who could do absolutely no wrong?
They suck the life out of every single family event. If they were to host a holiday event, they want everything to be perfect.
You dread it, and you have so much to do before you go because of work or other commitments and you end up turning up late.
Your sibling is livid.
How dare you turn up late!
Why are you so insistent on ruining this event?
You never meant to – it’s just the way it was.
And yet you are made to feel guilty for trying to juggle your life.
Why Exactly DO Narcissists Love It When You Feel Guilty?
#1 Any Guilt is Taken From Them
Well, if you feel guilty, then they don’t have to, right?
Right!
Narcissists will hand out blame like it’s candy on Halloween if it means they don’t hold any back for themselves.
They hate to know that other people see them as the problem, so if anything they’ve done can be hidden and handed out – they will do so.
Narcissists don’t want to be caught up taking on a moral responsibility for something they may have executed incorrectly or poorly. They aren’t that deep!
All they know is to push away what they feel negatively onto others.
#2 Seeing You Suffer Fills Them With Joy
When they see you suffer, they know their work is done.
Think of narcissists like anchors, weighed down at the bottom of the ocean with no way to be moved. They’re stuck, they can’t go anywhere.
They see you, the free boat, able to go wherever you choose, and loving your life. You aren’t restricted, and you are blessed with movement and choice.
Narcissists will ensure that your anchor is pulled down as quickly as possible. They want to see you unable to move, just like them. Because you were there first, they look to you to be the one to help them, when really they caused it.
See, narcissists will pretend they’re able to lift their anchor and move, but they decide not to. The truth is – they’re stuck – and they want you equally as so.
If you feel guilty, then you’re not moving.
It fills them with joy to see you stuck in that misery, because they don’t feel so alone.
#3 They Realize How Easy You Are to Manipulate
Seeing you take on the narcissist’s guilt means they are fully aware of how successful manipulating you was in the first instance.
It was that easy to get you to feel remorseful when you shouldn’t be. It was that easy to make you think you’d done something wrong.
They love making you feel like you rely on them to tell you how to feel, and when to feel it.
Think about it – if a narcissist knows they can make you feel one emotion – they can make you feel more. They will then learn the exact steps to take in order to get you to that point all over again.
#4 It Makes Them Feel Right
Of course it does! Any guilt you feel is kind of like a confirmation that you were right all along. If you take on what they pass you, then the guilt is not theirs to own.
They don’t have to feel it, and so by default, it makes them feel as though they didn’t do anything wrong.
Narcissists love to be right. If you are the one feeling terrible, they will feel like a huge weight has lifted off their shoulders.
Thank goodness!
And yes – yet again – they are right and you are in the wrong.
#5 Guilt is What Makes You Stay
The sad reality of any narcissistic relationship is that guilt is what makes people more inclined to stay.
There is this overwhelming urgency from the victim to “need to make it up to the narcissist.”
I am so sorry. What do I need to do to earn your forgiveness?
How can I make it right?
These are questions you’re asking a person who has manipulated you into thinking you’ve done something wrong.
This is very different from actually making a mistake and correcting it afterward. This is the purposeful guilt you feel when you feel like you need to do something big to make it all okay again.
You take on the task like it’s always your responsibility to make what’s not right, right again.
Is that fair? Do you think this is how anybody should be living their lives?
Yet so many people want to ensure that peace is restored and that the person who intermittently says they love you is pacified by your gestures.
There’s nothing normal about this – but then again – there’s nothing normal about narcissist relationships.
The main reason you feel you need to stay is down to the fact that the narcissist is making you through their own tactics.
Being indebted to the narcissist shouldn’t be any reason for you to stay.
