You’d think everybody would want to end up happy, wouldn’t you? I mean, we’re sold ways to be happy all the time, almost like there is an underlying pressure to fit into that box.
For some of us, happiness is easy. It’s a feeling we don’t take for granted, and we want to eventually find that with a person we love.
For narcissists, being happy is very different and much more doable than finding happiness.
Happiness they will never find, and I want to walk you through what all of that means.
The Endless Search
For you, that is. Narcissists aren’t searching for the kind of happiness that you are, though.
While you’re wistfully dreaming of love, consistency and understanding, they’re dreaming of stealing your joy and having somebody they’re able to control.
This contrast only leads to one thing – pain.
So yes, the happiness you’re dreaming about is the happiness we’re going to be talking about today, because that’s the kind of happiness a narcissist will never be able to find.
Happiness: Differing Levels
What do you see when you see a narcissist appear happy?
I see a person who seems over the moon. They’re smiling, laughing, and really enjoying the moment.
For a long time in fact, I didn’t fully believe that a narcissist was unable to find happiness because I always saw them at some point or another – happy.
The more I learned about narcissism, the more I woke up to the fact that actually, being happy in one moment, and finding happiness with another person were two different concepts.
Not only that, but both concepts involved the narcissist being or doing very different things.
Happiness in a Moment
We’re all familiar with it, right? That moment where you or somebody else makes a joke, and you all laugh.
Or what about hearing your favorite song come on? Maybe it’s the feeling of a nice, long shower after you’ve hiked five miles.
Happiness is an emotion that we can all feel, even narcissists. I want to tell you that they’re no good at any of that, but sadly, they can be full of the joys of spring just the same as you and me.
But you know what? It’s fleeting.
It doesn’t last with the narcissist. They can be content, instead, they rely on material objects to make them feel good
As for you and I? We mostly want to hold onto happiness for that little bit longer because, well, it’s happiness!
We love it! We find it in the most random of things because we are open to it and how it makes us feel.
Narcissists are not that built that way at all!
Finding Happiness
Different from being happy briefly, finding happiness involves putting your faith and trust into the world that you will find a person to love, who will love you just as much in return.
It is the happy ending we all hope to have. When two souls collide. When the world feels that little bit better because you have somebody to walk it with.
Finding happiness involves a few factors:
- You’ve got to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to be open to love.
- You have to learn to trust the process. Take a risk for the person you think is worth it.
- You’ve got to let your guard down. Don’t push a person away who you know you have fallen in love with.
- You must be willing to share your life with them. Every emotion, twist and turn in your story together. Because that is what weaves your love together.
Shall we stop here for a coffee break?
I seriously think we need to, because this is the part where we need to openly admit that narcissists are unable to do anything that involves finding happiness.
The question is, why?
The Real Reason…
I could just say, “Because they’re narcissists!” But we all want the extended erosion, don’t we?
Narcissists are too wrapped up in maintaining an egotistical image to truly get lost in finding happiness for themselves.
They don’t know how to be happy. They know how to portray it in the midst of a good joke, or that hot shower.
This is all superficial and surface happiness that they know feels right and matches the moment.
Hot shower? Feel good!
Funny joke? Laugh!
Finding the love of your life and living happily ever after? Impossible!
The painful part for victims of narcissistic abuse everywhere is that this goes for all narcissists.
You will never be able to get them to fully open up and be vulnerable.
Seeing a Narcissist Happy…?
It’s possible. For sure, there are going to be times you will see them really happy. Victims often say to me how much they want to capture that moment in time and bottle it, because it’s so fleeting and rare.
Narcissists almost seem like normal people when you catch them feeling happy about something, and it’s another reason why victims try to humanise them and make excuses for the rest of their behavior.
But all you need to do is look a little closer to realize that their happiness is not based upon the idea of finding a happy ending with you.
Instead, it’s much more likely to be because they are performing to a crowd of avid listeners (their audience).
You might notice them being happy when they are speaking to a stranger in the street, as a lto of victims speak of.
Narcissists are more concerned about impressing strangers than making their own family or friends happy.
First impressions, right?
It’s Nothing You’ve Done, or Not Done
It’s not your fault that they can’t love you properly. They can’t love anybody properly.
Taking it personally only adds to your lack of self-esteem, and feeds the monster eating your confidence right now.
You can fall over yourself to do the right thing, make them their favorite meal every night, have the best night ever, compliment them daily…
…For what?
They will lap up your attention, but they won’t be able to get past their own insecurities and ego in order to actually love you.
So chasing this desire, this wish; this dream?
It’s a waste of time.
And that can feel pretty heavy. I mean, you want what you know you can’t have, but you also think you might be able to get it anyway.
Save yourself a world of pain and admit how difficult it is for them to love anybody at all, and that it has zero to do with you and how fabulous you are.
Best to Find Your Own Happy
If you want to find everlasting happiness with a healthy splash of respect and loyalty thrown in, then staying with the narcissist is nothing but a big, fat waste of time.
I wouldn’t even bother to wish, or hope, or have faith that everything will change over time, because it’s not going to happen.
The best thing I can advise you to do, is to forge your own path away from the narcissist and find your own happiness with somebody willing to share theirs with you.
