Brrr. Who left the heating off?
Why did you let the fire die out?
Can somebody pass me my sweater?
It’s cold, right? Life with a narcissist is cold, and at times just when you think you might thaw out, here comes the negative temperature front all over again.
It’s no joke, and it’s a lonely place to be if you are of a warm, kind and loving nature.
The question I get asked a lot is why. Why are they cold? What exactly is this?
Because I get asked so frequently, I wanted to put it out there for you all.
There… But Not
The lights are on, but nobody is home, right?
That’s generally what you might hear when somebody is referring to another person not being very bright, but it can also relate to narcissists.
The light in the house is on. It looks warm, but it isn’t. It’s cold, and no matter what you try to do, nothing seems to warm the house up the way it needs to be.
You know, when I really get down the rabbit hole of narcissism, I can lose hours still scratching my head and wondering how narcissists – human beings – can be so cold.
The thought of purposely hurting. Friends. Family. Husbands. Wives. Boyfriends. Girlfriends. Anybody.
It’s completely dysfunctional.
And Over Time?
When you’re faced with a narcissist, what makes the entire scenario even more problematic?
Time!
Nobody can tell me that a long marriage to a narcissistic spouse is going to be good for their health – emotional, mental, or even physical. It’s just not possible.
Think about the cold for a minute.
Studies strongly suggest that a two-minute ice-cold dip is a real health boost. In. Out. Wonderful.
Would you stay in the ice cold bath for an hour? All morning? All day?
No, you wouldn’t – and nobody recommends this!
The cold worsens the longer you spend time in it, and I am accurate in using that for human representation, too!
Soon enough, their cold emotions will be part of your everyday life.
They will be why you give up easily if you even try. They will be the reason why you doubt yourself and your abilities.
The narcissist’s cold emotions will be what ends up making you sick.
More Effort To Impress Strangers… Why?!
Have you ever noticed how the narcissist in your life is far more keen on pleasing strangers than they are you?
I don’t need to know what you are to the narcissist, but I know you aren’t a stranger.
Yet there the narcissist is, vying for the attention and validation of somebody they’ve never met over you.
In fact, you may as well not be there while they extract it—you’re that irrelevant.
Narcissists love to make first impressions. They want to win people over, and if a stranger in passing will only see them for thirty seconds, they want to make those thirty seconds mean something.
Why?
So they assume the stranger to think:
What a nice person they are!
What a great dad!
What a super mom!
What a hilarious character!
They were very warm and friendly!
I wish I knew them!
It’s so the stranger can go home and remember what a great encounter it was – and how the narcissist made it so.
They don’t need to impress the person they’re abusing…
…They’ve been there and done that already.
They Don’t Know What Love is
That doesn’t mean they’ve ever wanted to know.
In fact, I’d bet money that as a child, all narcissists were desperate for love and attention and never got it. If they did, it was based on worldly scenarios.
Wanting love and never having a healthy dose of it leaves anybody not really knowing what it is.
Even the most empathic people craved it as a child and likely had to fight hard to get even a fragment of it in return. It’s no surprise they see the breadcrumbing antics of a narcissist as tempting.
But narcissists?
Narcissists don’t know love, and they’re terrified of finding out. As a result, they do all in their power to repel it after a certain point, when it starts to get too deep.
So each time you try to reach out and get intimate with them, they won’t want to know.
Every time you get sweet and tell them how much you love them, they will scoff and shrug and say things like, “You know how I feel about you, why do you need me to tell you every single day?”
And yes, you’ll feel completely deflated. You’ll ask yourself, “What is so wrong with me?”
It’s not you, I can assure you!
The narcissist is cold and is doing all they can to remain in those chilly waters. They aren’t interested in warming up because that means one thing…
Vulnerability? Forget That
You guessed it!
Vulnerability is where you will never find the narcissist making themselves at home.
I’ll give you a little insight into real vulnerability with a story.
Jennifer was a narcissist, not that she’d tell you. She loved not being alone, but she hated being vulnerable with whoever she was with.
One time, Jennifer really fell for somebody called Steve, as much as her narcissism would allow.
She actually let him in, and found herself really caring about this person who made her feel special. Although she hated to admit it openly, she enjoyed his company.
One day Steve decided he wanted to leave and travel. Jennifer couldn’t go as she owned her own business and couldn’t leave it behind.
Steve left anyway.
The pain Jennifer felt at being left by somebody she loved took her straight back to the same emotional pain she felt as a child. Her parents were never home, and she hated getting sad about it more than being left alone itself.
From then on, she promised herself she would never love, or allow herself to be vulnerable enough to feel that pain again.
You know, what Jennifer’s story should tell you is that narcissists are cold people because they do not want to be reminded of how they felt as a child.
It was too painful.
Feeling Like You’re In This Alone
Every victim feels alone in their relationship because their needs aren’t being met.
The need to:
- Be loved
- Be appreciated
- Be valued
- Be worth keeping promises to
- Be honest with
- Be loyal to
- Be happy with
Narcissist’s coldness will ruin all of those desires – and no matter how hard you try – you will never get them.
