Einstein once said, “The only source of knowledge is experience.”
Boy, was he right.
Experiencing narcissism firsthand may have negative consequences on you – but to know who you’re dealing with will give you exactly what you need to differentiate.
Toxic people vs. emotionally healthy people.
You come first. You always have. And not in an ignorant way, but in a ‘you can’t help others unless you help yourself’ way.
I know the concept will confuse you – but I believe it will save you.
Knowledge is key.
Every Day I Am Asked…
Knowing what you tell me to be the truth, I can still not diagnose anybody over an email or message.
But you know what?
I get asked all the time.
“I just need to know if this person really is a narcissist. I need to know for sure – this is driving me crazy!”
When they describe the person in question to me – all I read is a very toxic description of somebody. I don’t read any words of kindness. I see how little empathy they possess. I understand all the ways in which the person who communicates with me originally is struggling and wants answers.
It’s hard to comprehend how anybody tolerates narcissistic abuse when you read all the detrimental things that person says or does on a daily basis. But yes, omitting all the love-bombing aspects will make anybody wonder that.
But there is a loving side to every single narcissist. It may not be love in the most conventional way, but it is enough for the victim to feel loved.
In reality – it doesn’t take much for them to feel loved, which is why narcissists give so little of it away at all.
Somebody Who Possesses Toxic Traits
When you know somebody who possesses toxic traits, it’s hard to switch off from that fact.
And I totally get it. What you start to see only leaves room for more seeing. Nothing about toxicity can be unseen. Someone’s true character unraveling is both troubling and hard to avoid watching.
I understand the importance of being aware of this, to the point where you’re almost waiting for them to do what they do, so you can confirm it to yourself…
…They are toxic.
They are a narcissist.
You knew it all along.
But a Name…
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a diagnosis of somebody who possesses all the traits that you’d expect to see in somebody so entitled.
The overinflated sense of ego.
The preoccupation with power and success.
Arrogance.
Lack of empathy.
Has to be admired at all times.
Uses people for their own gain or purpose.
Belittles and gaslights.
Likes to control and manipulate people and situations.
Now – I can name a lot of people I have encountered in my life – none of whom have had an official diagnosis.
None.
I don’t imagine any of them to sit in a doctor’s office and be told that they are arrogant and entitled enough to be deemed abusive. I can’t imagine them sticking around for a second longer only to be told, “Oh and by the way, this equates to Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”
For a narcissist to be diagnosed, they would need to be accountable for the type of person they are. It would involve them holding their hands up and saying, “Man, there’s just something about me that’s so toxic.”
Do you think that’s likely? I mean – I can tell you it’s damn near impossible to witness. I certainly haven’t experienced this in my professional or personal life.
Understanding Something Important…
You do not need a diagnosis of somebody to confirm that they are a narcissist. I’ll be honest with you here – very rarely are narcissists ever diagnosed in the first place.
Is it not enough to see a person’s toxic traits, and decide for yourself that it’s enough for you to know you don’t want anything to do with them?
Walking away from toxic people is where you find your worth, and staying is where you lose it.
No lack of diagnosis or piece of paper that determines a person’s narcissist personality should keep you from leaving them.
Needing that kind of confirmation is what a lot of victims feel they should have. I can tell you though, wanting somebody else to call it for you is one thing.
But it is likely to never happen under a professional.
So where does that leave you?
You then have to decide for yourself. When you gather all the traits of that person, do you deem them an acceptable person to be around? Do their moods and actions leave you feeling drained and low? Have you lost yourself in their abuse?
If the answers are yes – you already know the kind of person they are.
You already know they are a narcissist.
And I know – it can sometimes feel beyond you to make that call when all the narcissist does is leave you feeling so powerless.
You take that powerlessness and apply it to this situation – so you do nothing.
It has to change.
You have to assert yourself in whatever it is you experience, and trust what your gut is telling you.
And that piece of paper with a diagnosis?
It doesn’t matter.
Knowing Your Worth
Everything always comes down to your worth.
Should I leave?
Are they a narcissist?
Is this it for me?
It all comes down to you.
What do you feel worthy of?
Is there a permanent solution to dealing with the abuse of a narcissist?
Signs of Toxicity– Looking for those signs should be enough for you to trust your own judgment. Even when the narcissist is trying to knock that right out of you – they try because they know they can control you more.
They’re Never Accountable – Narcissists will never admit to doing anything wrong, or take the blame for something they were directly responsible for.
There’s Always Drama Around Them – Narcissists love to create drama, while maintaining their own innocence as it all plays out around them. They can’t stand to be bored. Watching people fall out is a must.
They Always Have to Be Right – You can’t tell a narcissist that they’re wrong. It will call all their power and perfect image into disillusionment.
You Feel Like You’re Losing Yourself – This is because they gaslight as much as they do. Your opinions are no longer valid. Your strength in your own beliefs is taken from you and replaced by theirs.
You Walk on Eggshells Around Them – What kind of mood are they in? What does this mean for you?
Your Boundaries Cease to be Respected – No narcissist will think your boundaries apply to them, and they will not hesitate to walk all over them.
They Are Dishonest Without Conscience – They will tell you what they want you to know – whether it’s true or not.
Toxicity encompasses narcissism. You do not need to know or be told if somebody is a narcissist. If they are exuding the traits – they are already giving you a strong toxic message.
With or without diagnosis.
