It’s so nice to receive gifts, especially when the person offering to you knows how special you are, and how much you will appreciate what they have to offer.
Gifts are a way to show a person that you care, and are thinking of them. Somehow, though, narcissists will give the kinds of gifts that feel like an insult in disguise.
They know what they’re doing, and instead of genuinely smiling at what you’ve unwrapped, you wonder why they would possibly pick that thing to give you.
A narcissist would rather spend money on something they know is wrong, rather than do the right thing, and here’s why.
1 What’s the occasion?
Birthday? Christmas? Valentine’s? Occasions are usually a great opportunity for loved ones to share their joy with another, and gift buying to celebrate those moments throughout the year is just something we all love to do.
No matter what it may be, you will prepare for it accordingly, wondering how the narcissist will show their affection toward you…
…That is, assuming they have any to show you at all.
2 You were already dreading it
How long have you been with the narcissist? If it’s been a long time, you will have enough experience and memories to conclude that the occasion is to be dreaded.
Yes, you should be excited for it, but the narcissist’s track record of somehow ruining it will be in the forefront of your mind, and so you await.
What will it be? A mood swing? Will they be late? Will they forget altogether?
Will they complain in the week leading up to it? Will they fake illness? Worryingly, I wouldn’t put it past any narcissist to have done all the aforementioned, so prepare for it all.
With the knowledge that you’re about to get a gift, what are the kinds of thoughts that are running through your mind? I highly doubt any are positive.
3 The gift out of nowhere
Then there’s the gift out of nowhere. The gift just because. The narcissist wants to look as though they’re doing a lovely thing for you, but the hidden message behind the gift is that there was no thought or care, and that in itself feels like a complete insult.
The challenge you as the receiver now has, is to appear grateful. If you don’t you’re labelled difficult or arrogant for not appreciating their efforts.
Well, maybe you would appreciate them if they were actual efforts, and not an insult in disguise.
If it feels like it, then that’s because it is.
4 Opening it to discover…
What are you going to find? You pull it out of the box or paper to find:
- A kitchen appliance. Great. Just what you wanted. Now they can tell you there’s no excuse to make them the perfect cup of coffee every morning, although I’m sure you’ll somehow still manage to get it wrong in their eyes.
- The same bath gift set you get every year. Thank you for being so thoughtless. It isn’t because you even love the gift set, but because the narcissist sees it, picks it up, and assumes you will like it without daring to get to know you.
- Fitness equipment. You haven’t even told them any plans to get fit or lose weight, yet here they are assuming that you will love the new 8kg kettlebell they’ve got for you. Now you can really utilize your Netflix time…
5 Your response ignites the narcissist
Receiving your gift from the narcissist invites all kinds of potential reactions into the fray.
With their eyes on you firmly, they’re waiting to see how you respond to what they know will insult you. And it’s your reactions that fuel them in a way, after all, what you give out they steal and use to pump up their own ego.
Narcissists know what they’re doing, and if they absolutely have to give a gift, they want to make sure it leaves an impact – and never a good one.
Your reaction is a fuel the narcissist can’t buy even if they wanted to. It puts you in your place, it’s a reason for you to feel bad about yourself, and you feel sad when you open that blender you have no use or desire for.
This is a serious case of: it was not the thought that counts.
6 Making you feel bad? Why not!
What a great excuse to see that smile wiped off your face. You’d think any person who took the time to give you a gift would want to make sure it’s a nice one, otherwise, it’s a waste of time, right?
Wrong.
Narcissists don’t care if it takes them all day to think up and get the perfect gift for you, as long as it insults you, they will happily sacrifice that time in order to line it up ready. It’s a kick they get, and unfortunately, yes, it will always be to your own detriment.
As far as you’re concerned, you buy or give a gift because it’s thoughtful, or even because the recipient has asked for it. You love to see the happiness in people’s faces when they open it, and you’re glad to have made their day. It’s perfectly reasonable, and normal.
No narcissist thinks that way, so to see you suffer becomes the reason why they chose that particular gift.
7 Why narcissists do it in the first place
Be prepared for your reaction to be the problem, and not the gift itself. Your face will light up their dark, twisted soul, yet it will be used against you. I want to show you how with a quick fictional dialogue.
You: *Opens gift, face falls* The narcissist: Don’t you like it? You: Yes, I do. A new blender, wow. It’s lovely.
The narcissist: You don’t sound convincing. I worked hard to find the perfect one that has all those settings.
You: No, I really appreciate it. Thank you.
The narcissist: Well, you could look a little more appreciative. Nothing I get you seems to be good enough.
You see how quickly that flipped? It’s the same all the time.
I see these issues rise up in comments from you telling me how suddenly your reaction, as much as it fueled them, is used as an excuse for them to tell you that nothing they do is good enough for you, like they are the one who can never do anything right.
8 When their theft of your joy leaves you dry
Over time, of course, this kind of game can leave you feeling pretty much dead on your feet.
You come to despise any occasion that involves you opening a gift, because you know the outcome already.
You don’t want drama, and you don’t even want somebody spending fortune on you. However, like all of us, it would be nice to receive something with thought, even if it cost a dollar.
The narcissist’s theft of your joy leaves you feeling dry and empty, and I know that’s hard to bounce back from.
They manage to always insult you, and then blame you for it – the ultimate in toxicity.
