Okay. I am writing this on behalf of over 30 people who have all asked me recently via social media this one question. I felt it appropriate to answer it properly – for them – and for you.
Why do victims of narcissists feel guilty?
“Alexander, why do they make me feel so bad?”
“I haven’t done anything wrong.”
“They do this all the time.”
I hear you. They want to make you feel bad. And Guess what?
It works!
Let’s unpack this together.
Victims: Here This!
I hate calling you victims, because it makes you sound weak or helpless. To an extent, you were helpless to the game plan of the narcissist, but by no means are you weak.
Any guilt you feel, has been placed upon you. Okay, so it may not be directly, “You should feel guilty for this!”
It can be how you assume guilt from the covert words or actions of the narcissist though.
You feel guilty because you’re told to, in no uncertain terms. And because you’re a good person, you feel things deeply. Guilt is included in that ‘feeling things deeply.’
You are a victim to their projected guilt, and you shouldn’t be.
You are a victim because you believed them when they said they loved and cared for you.
And now you feel guilty
The Guilt is Real – Whatever the Cause
Now – let’s iron out two main kinds of guilt you can feel as a victim of a narcissist.
Number one – you can be made to feel guilty.
Number two – you can feel guilty for making the choice to leave them.
Whatever way you choose to look at guilt, know that it is a real emotion that you feel, and that you don’t have to pay attention to either version of it.
The Guilt Trip: Why!?
Let’s start with number one – being made to feel guilty.
Narcissists are great at guilt trips, and making you feel terrible. Why do they do it?
Because They Enjoy Provoking You
You’ll feel guilty every time a narcissist provokes you, and that may confuse you, but here’s the thing.
Narcissists provoke you because they want you to get to a certain emotion within you. They’re guiding you to shame or embarrassment, without really telling you where they’re going. The hope is that you will know what it feels like to be prodded until you feel guilty.
Why do you feel guilt, you may ask…
Well..
Think about what happens when you are provoked. You speak up, and tell the narcissist how it makes you feel, and they do everything in their power to make it look like your fault.
You feel guilty, because, well, what if it was your fault?
Newsflash: It wasn’t.
Then They Want Your Response
Narcissists make you feel guilty when they want to see a response from you.
They like to know that you are under their spell, and they will do what they can to get you to stay there.
Control is how narcissists get their own way all of the time.
So You Stop Defending Yourself
Think about this:
If you didn’t feel guilty, you’d be quick to defend yourself, wouldn’t you? When a person feels bad, they’ve got nothing to defend. They accept it’s their fault, and they hold their hands up.
Seeing as that’s never going to be the narcissist, it has to be you.
So You Don’t React To Their Abuse
If you feel at fault – you can’t react to their abuse. You know where it got you in the past, and you stay with it because it’s the dynamic you got caught up in.
Not reacting to their abuse means you tolerate their abuse. Which – in no uncertain terms – is not how it should be.
“I’ll Make it Up To You”
And there it is – those words you utter. You’ll make it up to them. Narcissists can sometimes want you to purposely feel guilty for no reason, so you can shower them with “I’m sorry” attention, gifts, time or affection.
You do it because you think it’ll all be okay afterward. In actual fact, you didn’t even do anything wrong in the first place.
The Guilt of Leaving The Narcissist is Also Real…
Guilt rises when you decide to take action against the relationship you’ve been in. You want out, and it’s time you did something about it.
So – if the relationship was so bad, why do you feel so guilty?
This applies not only to romantic relationships but also to all those relationships you get caught in through family, friendship, or work circles.
You’re a Good Person
When you leave a narcissist, one of the first emotions that will rise inside of you, is guilt.
Did I do the right thing?
What will I do now?
How will they manage without me?
What if they really did love me, and I ruined it all by leaving?
Yes – all of those thoughts and more will be going around and around in your mind.
You look back and wonder what you could have done better, or how you could have treated them better.
The truth is – you couldn’t have done a single thing, because it was never going to work.
You Wish You Could Have Helped Them
Knowing the narcissist as well as you did, you probably think about all the ways you should have helped them when the two of you break up.
If only I had just given them more time.
More affection.
More patience.
If only I had listened to them more.
If only I knew the right thing to say when they felt so low.
I could have helped them.
Wishing you could have helped the narcissist means only one thing: that you’re a good person.
You know deep down though, that you can’t help other people in that way, right?
It’s not your responsibility to make them a better person, or to be more loving or caring.
You Know How Vulnerable They Are Underneath it All
You’ve seen slides to the narcissist that make you feel bad for leaving them. You saw when they were at their most vulnerable, even for a split second.
And now, you feel guilty because you’re leaving them to carry on with their lives, knowing they don’t have your support any more.
Their vulnerabilities are the problem for the narcissist to solve.
Not you.
All the while you keep thinking their behaviors are yours to fix, you’re going to only abandon yourself more and more, and give yourself away to them more and more.
That’s not how to live your best life.
And it’s not how to erase that guilt and start a new chapter.
The one you deserve.
