You always wanted somebody who makes everything better. Somebody who understands the importance of feeling safe and loved.
Whole.
Important.
What did you get?
Oh, right. You got a narcissist.
Now you have this person in your life who treats you terribly. It’s not just something they do every now and then – this is daily.
You’ll be wondering why this is their display of love to you, I get that.
It’s not.
I think you may need to know a little more about this, for it all to make sense.
Finding Love With a Narcissist…
Well. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Finding love with a narcissist isn’t possible, but falling in love with one is.
Narcissists will never love you back, even when you enter into a relationship with one. Long-term, short-term, marriage – whatever it is – you won’t find what you’re looking for.
Narcissists will provide offerings in exchange for your love. They will put conditions on their pretend emotions for you, and you will soon become caught up in their web of deceit and toxicity.
I know it can hurt to read these words, but so many people stay in relationships with narcissists because they believe they will love them back one day properly.
One day they’ll change.
They just won’t.
The Spouse Issue
I don’t want there to be an issue with any spouses, but sadly, if you’re entering into a ‘ship’ with a narcissist, you’re going to be the one they treat terribly.
You’re going to see their good, bad and ugly days, and let me tell you, there aren’t many ‘good’ days.
As the spouse of a narcissist, you are exposed to everything they say and do. You’re the one, at the end of the day, they go home to.
You’re the person they seek the majority of their supply from, and they won’t stop in how they extract that from you. As long as they have what they want, you don’t matter.
Spouses – Why Do They Get Such a Hard Deal?
#1 They’re The Easiest Target
Spouses draw the real short end of the stick. Being the ones who are closest to the narcissist, you’re going to also be living with them, and spending the most time with them.
You sleep next to them, you see them when they are chilling out watching the TV, you see them taking the bins out.
You know what they are like far beyond the public bravado they claim. As a result, the narcissist feels like they’ve got even more right to remind you who’s in control, to make up for it.
Treating you horrible is how they reassert their own inflated ego. It’s how they claim victory over all the little battles you fall into with them.
Spouses are the easy target. They’re the ones always at hand.
#2 To Keep The Attachment Alive
The cycle of abuse is constant – but it works to keep victims with their abusers for potentially years, even decades.
Everything is all perfect, until it’s not. Then there’s that whole period of begging and asking for them to show you your worth (without realizing you can do it yourself because you feel you’re at their constant mercy). Before you know it, you’re right back to the good bits again (briefly).
It’s a full on cycle that spins so fast you’re unable to break free from it. Think about your washing machine as it spins – those clothes are stuck because of the force of gravity holding them in place.
It’s the same for all spouses. They’re deep in this cycle, and they cannot get out.
It gives the narcissist full clearance to treat them terribly.
But it also shows the spouse that they are unable to break free and gain their independence. The narcissist has made it easy to treat their spouse as if nobody else will understand them or ride this toxic journey with them.
#3 So Nobody Else Suspects
Imagine you’re married to a narcissist. They will automatically fit the criteria of ‘terrible person,’ right? You’ll see them for who they really are, and it won’t be pretty at all.
Now imagine that person – your husband or wife – to be horrible to everybody else too. You then meet your friends or family, and they all agree – “My God, what an absolutely toxic person they are. Get out. Get out now.”
Even the narcissist’s family wants to see you walk away, and will support you and help you every step of the way.
Now – erase all of that because it’s never going to happen.
Narcissists are terrible to you because they can do it without anybody else suspecting them. They will keep it behind closed doors, because that’s where things are most private.
In public? They will of course be as nice as pie!
So when you reach out and ask people to help you, they will wonder what on earth you’re talking about.
It’s insidious, isn’t it?
#4 The Cycle of Abuse is Easily Switched On
Narcissists love to love-bomb, and it works best with spouses. There are simply more options, more ways to implement love-bombing. The texts, the emails, the flowers, the dates, the compliments – it’s all possible with spouses.
Just as much as the ‘off’ switch is possible, too.
If they can treat you horribly, they know you love them, so you will forgive them and wait until they start to be nice again. In fact, the charming and hoovering aspect of the narcissist is the version of them you cling to through the entire relationship. It’s what you become conditioned to rely on.
Just when you think everything’s rosy, they will find ways to make you feel less of a person. And because you’re the one they say they love, you’ll automatically set the bar for what love is.
Love is not criticism. Nor is it gaslighting or bullying. It’s not shaming you into believing or doing what they ask of you.
Yet somehow, spouses are the ones who have to deal with it.
Save Yourself!
I do say it frequently when the time is appropriate. You have to save yourself from all of this, and understand that your time with the narcissist is never going to serve you positively. You think all those loving moments are real reflections on how they feel about you.
In truth, they’re fragments of time the narcissist uses to make you think they love you.
Narcissists don’t know how to love anybody, even if you get the ‘privilege’ of being their spouse.
It’s not a privilege. It’s a prison sentence.
You don’t have to do the time.
