Imagine being a kind and compassionate person, only to be brutally informed that, in fact, you are a narcissist.

You look up what ‘narcissist’ means, and you can’t make sense of it.

Only, you’ve been told you are one by somebody you love a great deal.

So… I suppose the only logical explanation is to trust what they tell you, right?

I mean – they’re right – of course they’re right.

You needed to know.

Thank God.

But wait – here I am – informing you that this is a ploy! You are not a narcissist! (Shock).

They lied. And they lied because…

The Narcissistic Ego – Nothing Competes!

Emma and Matthew: Projection

I’ve changed the names of this couple, but Emma used to be a client of mine. Every week, she would come to my sessions and talk about how controlling Matthew was. He never even used to allow her to see her friends and constantly told her she wasn’t good enough for him.

Emma initially went along with it, believing she was simply not good enough. This went on for a few years into their relationship, when one day, she had a breakthrough. 

She confronted Matthew, telling him she thought he was unreasonable, and expressed that she thought he had narcissistic tendencies. 

Matthew lost it.

The rage that followed was unlike anything Emma had seen, but Matthew was careful not to be physical with her. He let loose.

“How dare you!”

“You’re the one with the problem, and you’ve made me out to be the bad guy!”

“I’ve done everything I can for you, and this is how you repay me!”

“This is typical of you! You’re just jealous that I’m more outgoing than you!”

“I can’t believe I’m listening to somebody so pathetic!”

It went on, and on, and on. 

But then came the one golden line.

“I can’t believe you’re calling me a narcissist. It’s you who fits that description, not me!”

Emma was mortified.

Was she the problem, all along?

She spent weeks sitting on that comment, wondering how she could be so unkind. She tried to make it up to Matthew, but he kept bringing up the subject, and reminding her of what she accused him to be. 

It affected her relationship with her sister, whom she was very close to, so she sought therapy.

We untangled and unpicked so much in our sessions, and Emma finally came to understand exactly what narcissists say and do to get you to fall under their control.

Matthew had it great! Emma tried for months to apologize and make it up to him, but nothing was good enough. This only reinforced her lack of belief in herself, and made him relish in that control. 

What Would You Do?

If you were Emma, what would you have done in that situation?

Maybe what you would have done is different to what you’d do now you have a little narcissistic enlightenment.

Everything in your being would try to ensure you fixed what you were told was wrong about you, but all the while you’re focusing on improving yourself, guess what?

The narcissist is getting away with it all!

Narcissists Will Tell You That You’re The Narcissist: Here’s Why

So if you’ve ever wondered why the narcissist will accuse you of being such, I’ve got the answers for you. 

They Want You To Think They’re Not a Narcissist

Narcissists don’t want to look like narcissists, especially in the beginning of relationships. If you jokingly call them out on a certain behavior they’re exuding, you will see them look to you as the issue. 

Excuse me? I don’t think I’m the one who stands in front of the mirror for two hours getting ready each morning!

I am not the one who thinks their job is better than everybody else’s.

While these things may not be true of you, the narcissist will pinpoint these or similar to get you thinking you’re the one with the narcissistic tendencies. 

They back away from any potential conversation that may corner them and give them a reason to be suspected of narcissistic personality disorder.

They refuse to have it any other way!

They’re Projecting Everything They Do Onto You – CONTROL!

When you’re told you’re the narcissist, it’s because they want to take away everything you think you see about them.

If you get caught up in who they really are, the chances are, you’re going to find yourself dealing with some huge problems. Namely it’ll be along the lines of:

Punishment

The silent treatment

The smear campaign

If the narcissist isn’t done with your supply yet, they will want you to think you’re the issue – not them. Because – if it’s not them, it must be you, right?

This is all designed to control you. You have to think what they think, believe what they say, agree when they tell you to – it’s all to get you to get the one who falls in line. 

Whenever Anything Goes Wrong – They Can Blame You

If you’re labeled as the narcissist, it’s going to be an automatic right for the actual narcissist to blame you whenever anything goes wrong.

Somebody’s upset? It must have been something you said.

Late to a party? Well, you were the one taking all the time.

You fall out with a friend? It must be because you don’t treat them right. 

The narcissist feels like saying they don’t feel good enough. It’s so you can pay more attention to them and work for their affection again. 

But you’re the problem. And they will let you know when they have the opportunity. 

To Bring You Down

The key take home massage I offer to you all right now is this last one. I want you to know that this can never be underestimated. Narcissists give you the illusion they care about you, but in reality, all they want to do is bring you down. 

Their mission is simple. It’s to strike you away from all you feel good about. To leave you wondering why you are so much of a problem and to use that feeling to prove to you that you’re a narcissist. 

Their goal in life is to bring you down, which sounds crazy because they chose to be in your life.

But, without you feeling so terrible, they wouldn’t feel so fantastic.

The only way they can increase their fragile self-esteem, is to reduce yours. It works. For so many people all over the world.

It’s an epidemic nobody is really talking about, and I want you to know that you’re not the narcissist. 

You never were, and you never will be.