You, like us all, juggle so much. We have our strengths, we have our challenges, and that’s life.
Sometimes, being triggered can come from nowhere, and it can’t be helped.
Other times, those triggers are sent by people who really should know better but don’t.
Narcissists.
There, I said it.
Narcissists will trigger and laugh as they watch you squirm.
If you want to know why, grab a coffee, and let’s get to it.
Getting to Know You…
Narcissists love to get to know you. They adore finding out your weaknesses, your strengths, your likes, your pet peeves – they remember them all.
You think at the time, “Wow. They’re really paying attention to me. They are so attentive and are great at listening.”
The last bit is true – they do listen up. They want to know as much as they can about you.
Not because they love you, but because they want to use it against you at a later time.
Getting to know you feels great to you, but to them, it;s a case of making notes.
Notes that they will pull out whenever they want to trigger you.
“Gotcha!”
And then, what happens?
You fall right into that trap. You discover that they notice you when you’re triggered, but beyond that, most of the time:
They’re the cause of your trigger.
Let’s backtrack a little to trauma bonding so you can get an idea of what’s really going on.
What is Trauma Bonding?
The attachment you feel to the narcissist isn’t made up of love and trust and honesty – it’s made of trauma bonding.
It’s how they get you into the cycle of abuse by purposely overcompensating for their toxicity by being charming, and wonderful, and perfect.
To you – very temporarily.
Trauma bonding is what connects you – it’s what binds you together.
Make no mistake – this trauma bond works for the narcissist, because they aim to form the attachment.
It’s your job (unbeknown to you) to form that attachment through things they do.
All those promises they make, all the future faking “I love yous” and, “I have found my soulmate” – it’s all lies that you at the time believe.
Why Do Narcissists Purposely Trigger?
Narcissists are famous for triggering their victims. Once they have got to the center of their character, they feel they can do anything to get them to trip over themselves, time and time again.
The purpose of triggering is to make themselves feel better, and for you to feel worse.
There are a number of ways narcissists can do this.
Let’s go through them one by one.
#1 To Get a Reaction
There’s nothing more satisfying to a narcissist than seeing you react. Now I want you to think about it, because triggering really can be absolutely anything that unsettles you in any way.
Criticism might take you back to a time when you were younger, where a parent frequently made you feel terrible.
Being late for events or dates could make you feel like it’s personal, or that they don’t care.
Reactive abuse is real. It’s purposely designed to get you to react, because they delight in seeing you squirm and react the way you do.
It’s not fair, right? It labels you as the problem. It’s your fault that you’re acting the way you are. It’s not the narcissist’s fault that they pushed you and triggered you.
Think about that.
#2 So You Can Blame Them, and They Can Act the Victim
When people are triggered, they can look to those who did the triggering, and make a point of telling them how unfair or unjust it was. It’s your right to say, “That didn’t make me happy, and I don’t like it when you do that.”
If the person on the other end had any boundaries or respect for you, they would apologize and hold their hands up.
Narcissists do not do either of those things.
It’s about time they did though!
You can say, “Look, what you did or said wasn’t cool to me.” and the narcissist, instead of being healthy in their response, will say things like:
I had a really bad day at work. I wish you understood how much pressure I was under there and cut me some slack.
I can’t help how I respond when I’m feeling so unwell. My back/neck/shoulder/throat/ear hurts like hell, and I’m just trying to get through the day.
When you snap at me like that, it really hurts my feelings. I don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.
And there it is.
The blame you take and hand to them quite right, is handed right back to you.
Making you the problem takes away from the entire event that they are the problem.
#3 To Stay in Control
Knowing exactly what triggers you keeps the narcissist holding onto the strings. If they know you that well, they can certainly continue to push your buttons and make you feel like you’re losing your mind.
Nobody said it was going to be fair…
Staying in control is the narcissist’s main aim – and they will trigger you to keep you under their spell for as long as possible.
Without control, narcissists lose their minds. It’s up to you to fall in line, and them to keep pushing you.
#4 “Let Me Make it Up To You”
Ah, yes. The most insidious reason, I feel for triggering you, is so they can make it better again afterward.
When you get hurt, and when you speak up about how sad it made you, what happens?
The narcissist will come to you, laden with gifts or flowers, or even just a ‘loving’ hug, telling you how sorry they are.
What can I do to make it up to you?
How can I make this better?
And you? Well. What a thoughtful person. They just did something really unkind, but it’s okay, because they’re going to get takeout tonight and watch my favorite movie with me.
Wow. There is the manipulation, right there.
#5 Because They Enjoy it!
It can be as simple as really, really enjoying watching you be upset. If you’re upset, then they feel better about themselves.
Narcissists want people unhappy around them. It gives them a reason to not hate themselves for just a moment, because your sadness evidently trumps their self-loathing.
Narcissists enjoy taking down people, even the people who love them. Isn’t it the weirdest thing? I didn’t understand so much about the character of the narcissist until I realized quite the extent they despise themselves. If they can make you hate yourself more, then they immediately feel great.
