Why Do Narcissists Always Need Control?

If a narcissist were a games console, they’d be the controller and you’d be the game. They would relish in seeing you running about at their every command – and they do in every situation they land in.

Narcissists don’t play games (you) because they feel like it. They do it because they have an innate need to control everything.

When you come along, you’re just another pawn, and they will find a place for you until you no longer serve them.

What is it about control that the narcissist loves?

Well, you came to the right place to find out.

Narcissists Without Control.. .Watch Out

The moment a narcissist starts to lose control, their entire world implodes.

Everything they’ve carved out and worked hard to manipulate will fall like a house of cards, and they will try to put it all back together again.

Rage will surface.

Aggressiveness will soon follow.

Outbursts are likely to happen. 


If a narcissist isn’t in control, it’s because somebody else is.

They will perceive you as a thief, and it will be a huge threat to their self-esteem (not that they will admit that to you!)

Powerlessness Equals Unlocked Insecurity

I think it’s safe to say that if a narcissist lacks control, they lack the security that goes with it. It’s a powerful thing, right? Knowing you hold all the ace cards. Knowing you can tell somebody what to do and they will do it. Manipulate somebody into thinking or feeling a certain way. 

This is real power. And it’s a dangerous ability to have as power like this is only ever found in the wrong hands. 

That being said, when the power is taken away and the narcissist loses control, the insecurities that follow will be unavoidable for them.

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How has this happened?

The most likely answer to that is – people have woken up to the narcissist’s ways. They don’t want to put up with the drama anymore. They’re done being treated as if they don’t matter. 

All the narcissist feels underneath those surface layers of rage and the need for revenge, is insecurity.

Yes. When everything else is taken away, all that’s left is a small, sad, unhappy and bitter person. 

The Rage Behind Lacking Control

What does narcissistic rage look like to you? Have you seen it before?

Some classic examples of narcissistic rage include:

  • Hugely intense outbursts of anger that seem really over the top to the situation you’re in.
  • Verbal attacks – any attempt in the moment to criticize or humiliate the person who is the ‘cause.’
  • Being overly demeaning or patronizing to somebody.
  • Blaming somebody else for their own mistakes or failures. 

These four different insights to narcissistic rage will be present when a narcissist loses control too. They can appear in more passive ways too, as the narcissist is fully aware of where they are and how they need to act. 

Why Narcissists Always Need Control

To protect their ego

The ego of a narcissist is as fragile as an eggshell. Any tiny knock or bump will crack it. or worse yet, break it altogether. 

Because of this, the narcissist will do everything they can to protect it. They will use anybody who is available like bubble wrap – as long as they’re protected – they don’t care about you.

To keep suspecting people at bay

Narcissists don’t want to be found out. They have a game plan that they stick to. If that means you are a part of it, then you will be drawn in until you have fulfilled your purpose.  

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For some narcissists, that can mean being overly friendly with people who they meet so those people can walk away thinking:

What a lovely person they were.

They were so helpful.

They really listened to me.

They’re so clever.

And so on. 

While they mask their real character, nobody is able to see the real person behind it. 

To prevent their supply from being too close to each other

Narcissists watch the people in their lives like it was their favorite TV show. If they happen to spot two people getting along too well, they will do everything in their power to create a wedge between them.

I heard they’ve been saying awful things about you.

Be careful. They owe me money. I don’t want you falling for their tricks too.

You know you’re too good for them because you always seem to be in a bad mood after you’ve seen or spoken to them.

There are numerous ways a narcissist can triangulate, and they will if they have to.

This is because two people who come together can find out more information than one. A narcissist doesn’t want to be found out and can also become envious of close relationships because they themselves cannot hold a genuine one down. 

It must all stop! (according to them, of course).

Because they’re secretly afraid of you

A narcissist is more afraid of you than you ever will be of them. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true. 

The narcissist wants to control you because they’re afraid of what might happen if you took control.

The dynamics would shatter.

They won’t get their supply.

Their egos will be fractured beyond repair.

They can’t let that happen.

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They feel it’s their ‘right’

Control can sometimes be as crazy as, “It’s my right to do whatever I want.” 

The narcissist’s level of self-importance is strikingly disturbing and will not be compromised for anybody or anything

They don’t see a problem for this – well, why would they? They’re perfect! (ahem).

They don’t respect your boundaries

Boundaries and narcissists do not walk hand in hand. They will crush them if you have them and are not fully rooted in them. 

Narcissists don’t worry about what you decide to be healthy boundaries because, like the last point, they feel they have a right to do whatever they want. If they see what you apply for yourself, the narcissist will automatically assume they don’t apply to them.

This way – they get to pull the strings still and keep control.

They want to be needed

Narcissists need to be needed as much as they want to be. 

The attention they crave is what ultimately provides them with the supply they need, and they only gain that attention through controlling how you provide it.

They can give you the silent treatment – that will gain a lot.

They’re also good at gaslighting –”You’re right, I must have been imagining things.”

Last but not least, they like to lay guilt down, so you say things like – “I’m so sorry for making you feel unwanted at the party.  You mean the world to me. How can I make it up to you?”

To the narcissist, you’re putty in their hands – and they love that control. 

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