Let’s get one thing clear: abuse is not okay. It’s really not. Not any kind of abuse is okay.
You wait around for someone to come along and make your life that little bit happier, and you find somebody who creates chaos, conflict, and pain.
Narcissists infamously mistreat their victims. They abuse with no remorse, and it’s about time people knew why.
Their actions are callous, conscious-free, and relentless.
And I want to help you through it. To understand. To move on.
The Truth Behind The Nice Act
People often ask me, “Alexander, how did I get so caught up with this person? It’s clear to me now that they are a narcissist, but at the time, I just couldn’t see it for what it was.”
I always say, “You’re answered your own question.”
Narcissists don’t want you to know that they’re abusing you. That’s why their abuse, like all abuse, has golden moments of fairytale happiness.
Those stolen moments, which come albeit infrequently, are what they do to paper the cracks. The nice act covers up all the nasty behavior, hoping you will forgive and forget (until the next time).
It’s all an act to get you to fall in love, and never leave them. You’re told, sometimes directly, that nobody else could possibly want you. You’re made to feel like you’re the only person for them, and that forms a real attachment.
Especially in those who are drawn the most to narcissists – those with anxious attachments.
How the Charm Wears Off!
- You start to get criticized. Literally everything you do is wrong, and no matter how much you try to make it better, it still doesn’t work.
- The emotions of the narcissist start to blow hot and cold. From being all kindness and charm, to proving they have another side to them can be eye-opening. It can also be a confusing time, as the victim wonders what they have done wrong.
- You notice they regularly give you the silent treatment, especially when there’s an important event coming up or if you have had a particularly good day. The silent treatment can last from a few hours, to a few days, and it makes you feel really on edge and uneasy. The narcissist, knowing this, does little to nothing to change that.
- You start to have your own version of reality either questioned, or even mocked. It gets to the point where you really would rather keep quiet about what you think, or agree with them just to keep the peace.
Abuse: Let’s Go There
I don’t want to remind you of all the ways a person can be abusive – but I feel I owe you the clarity of what abuse actually is, because it’s far beyond an unkind word, or a hit or slap.
Abuse is intolerable. It should not be something you consciously put yourself through in any way, shape or form. It sets a precedence for what you feel you are good enough for, and it comes in so many forms.
- Hitting, punching, slapping, restraining, pushing
- Unwanted sexual attention or harassment
- The silent treatment – being ignored or treated is if you don’t matter
- Mockery, criticism, ridicule, being the ‘butt of jokes’
- Gaslighting – making your reality completely unimportant and obsolete
- Withholding money from you, or keeping close tabs on what you spend your money on
- Isolating you from your friends and family
- Telling you that you’re not good enough, or that nobody else will want you
- Making sure you do everything they tell you
- Making threats, or being intimidating
Abuse, like I said, goes beyond what you think is on the surface. It runs deep, and every aspect of it hurts.
Narcissists are not known to stick to one kind of abuse, so it can be tricky to pinpoint exactly how they abuse you in a sentence.
That doesn’t mean you can’t write another.
The Painful Reasons Narcissists Abuse Their Victims
#1 Because They Know You’ll Forgive Them
Narcissists know you are going to forgive them. They treat you with such disdain one day, and affection the next, that you constantly have your arms open in the hope everything will be okay.
When things are going swimmingly, you’re over the moon.
When things look rough, you crave the ‘over the moon’ feeling again, and do anything to get you there.
This means the narcissist can do anything they like, no matter how much pain it inflicts upon you.
And you’ll forgive them.
Permission to hurt you over and over, and over… again?
Permission granted.
#2 To Feel That Power
Power is like fuel to the narcissist. The more of it they sap from you, the stronger they feel.
Power is what the narcissist gets so they feel alive. It’s truly something they understand they’re owed from you, so it goes beyond simply the love of taking what’s yours.
Narcissists will get their power from how they control you and take away what you believed to be yours once upon a time.
They enjoy making people feel uncomfortable or putting others down. They love to whisper a word of toxicity to you, making your day slightly worse as a result.
They won’t mind at all giving you the silent treatment, just so you tiptoe around them trying to please them, so they feel loved by you.
For them, your tiptoeing is much more accessible than their vulnerabilities are.
#3 Because They Hate Themselves
For as long as they’ve been in existence, narcissists hate themselves. Deep down, underneath all the ego, charm and noise – they despise who they really are.
It’s not a joke to them.
To hide it and make themselves feel better, they will do what it takes to pull you down. If you’re unhappy, they know that they aren’t alone.
#4 They’re Angry Underneath it All
The saddest part is that they’re angry with the world. They’re angry that they need constant validation and attention; otherwise, they crumble. They hate having to work for all those things on a daily basis just for their fragile egos to survive.
They look to you for those things. They feel angry that you exude all the qualities they want naturally.
How dare you?
#5 They Were Never Taught How to Treat People Properly
In truth, no, they were never taught how to be respectful of people. Narcissists as children were either constantly overindulged or neglected.
They don’t think they’re doing anything wrong, and they will never be able to admit to any mistakes they make with regards to how they treat people.
Victims of narcissists also grew up trying to chase the love and affection of those who took care of them – and in adulthood, still try to do this. They naturally go after emotionally unavailable people, as it’s familiar to them.
As painful as that may be – it leaves the door wide open for being abused.
