Why Did The Narcissist Wasted My Time If He Was Never Going to Change?

Q: My diagnosed narcissistic boyfriend,is now my ex boyfriend. I just don’t understand how he can be sweet at times but had no empathy for me no matter how much i cared for and loved him. Our hole relationship I always had to argue with him of his mistreat of me and the way he would talk down to me. He is always so criticising of other guys and how they mistreat they’re girlfriends and he will turn around and do the same thing to me,in which he criticised them for. I have a hard time understanding why he wasted so much of my time if he was never going to change.

A: The good news is that he is your EX boyfriend. His sweetness was all an act- part of hooking you in. His sweetness is part of the mask he wears to fool people. Narcissists cannot identify their own negative behavior– they deny it to themselves and to others—and blame the other person for “making” them act this way or “project” their own bad behavior onto the victim (saying YOU are the one who mistreated him). He won’t change because he doesn’t see anything wrong with himself…so he sees no reason to change.

One Response to “Why Did The Narcissist Wasted My Time If He Was Never Going to Change?”

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  1. Cherrie' says:

    Because something about this diagnosed narcissist was attractive to you, you have an obligation to yourself – and the children and grandchildren to whom you have given or will give life – to study the traits of narcissism and thoughtfully take the heavy truths of that diagnosis into your rational mind. I say rational mind because you cannot afford to stay in a loop of emotion as you approach your study.

    Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is forever and the cornerstone of his disorder is “lack-of-empathy”. Lacking empathy, one cannot give meaningfully to any relationship. Let it wash over you that he is driven to objectify and exploit everyone in his grasp. He will victimize perhaps hundreds of people in his lifetime – even his children. Indeed, depending on his field of endeavor, a narcissist has the potential to harm millions of people. If this one to whom you gave your heart feels like the only one you’ve encountered, read everything you can about this character disorder (and it’s bunk-mates psychopaths and sociopaths) and I promise you, you will crave to “understand” everything you can about them and how they impact society and culture.

    Narcissist Personality Disordered people do not have relationships – they take hostages. They are con-artists, needy soul-suckers, emotional abusers, and sociopaths. Current research suggests that their brains are different than those of normal empathetic people. They harm others – overtly or covertly – without any genuine insight as to why. They don’t care about the pain they inflict as long as their targets remain useful objects. Just stop applauding and plant your feet firmly on the side of denying them whatever it is you’ve been providing and they will find a new source of supply who is yet too stupid to see the con.

    Be mindful always that there is no argument, no threat, nor any promise you can make to a narcissist that will make him change or care about anyone but himself and his alleged needs. He can pretend but he cannot maintain it for long.

    Narcissists are performance artists. They use words to distract us from reality. They manipulate others into focusing on the minutiae, not the larger pattern of behavior that their victim’s saner self knows to be truth. Like cartoon chameleons, they alternately shout and whisper (depending on the venue) “Look, I’m green… No, I’m red… Honest, I’m purple… See, I’ve changed to blue…” as they creep back and forth in our path, on our pillows, or in the periphery where our families and companions used to hover before the narcissist seized control of our other relationships. They intrude with charm and bully with self-interest. They confuse our personal journey, obscuring our healthy goals. They cloud our emotions by appealing to our goodness and generosity of spirit. And we learn too late that we gave them cover via our ignorance and deluded thinking.

    Severing a bond with a narcissist means leaving fantasy and stepping into reality. And such a step means grieving losses – sometimes massive losses. To one woman, confronting reality is too painful to endure so she is lured back into what may become a succession of relationships with narcissists. Another woman summons the courage to leave the perpetual victimhood that is life lived next to a narcissist. She accepts the whole of her experience as a life-changing opportunity to love herself and others with authenticity and in doing so, she bravely confronts that it was HER – not the narcissist(s) – who wasted so much of her time.

    Truly healing from the wounds we’ve suffered from having crossed paths with a narcissist – or having subconsciously invited one to share our path – involves loosening our grip on all the lies we tell ourselves about ourselves. We must muck through the complexities of our own “victimhood” and accept that while it is true that anyone can be victimized by the dark side of some cunning other, it is also true that some of us are particularly vulnerable to narcissists because of our own skewed thinking about both our worth and our rightful place in the lives of others. That skewed thinking can have its roots in parental messages that predate our memories or it can emerge from childhood, teen, or adult trauma that was left unresolved to fester deep beneath our awareness.

    Encounters with NPD folks can motivate us to ferret out our inadvertent complicity in our victimhood. That’s a tremendous gift to self.

    Be well and know that you are not alone in this journey.

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