When a narcissist has a target in mind, that target usually comes with a set of character traits.
They don’t just pick their next victim at random, it is instead, a well-thought out and executed process that they’ve perfected over the years.
If you want to know why the narcissist picked you, then you first need to examine the ways you respond to them, what you offer them, and why your kindness is instantly up for slaughter.
They picked you for reasons that serve only them, not you. Today is about digging up those reasons, and giving you a chance to become an eventual repellent.
#1 Let’s break down the narcissist’s character
No narcissist wants somebody equal to them. They are not looking for somebody to share life with, they’re looking for somebody to dominate and control.
The easier you are to manipulate, the happier they are to want to get to know you.
In return, you give them the attention they’re craving, and you validate every feeling they have that they share with you.
From the start, this is a form of emotional labor that you unknowingly sign up for. The hours are long and thankless, and you never truly clock off.
Under the charm that you initially get sucked in by, is a character that is as insecure as they are fragile.
There’s no real confidence there, which is why they need to constantly steal the light and joy from others in order to feel semi-normal.
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They are egotistical and toxic, but they wear their disguise well.
#2 And now… you?
You’re patient, you’re loving and kind. You want an honest relationship, and give everything you have to make that possible and work.
You care so deeply that you will move heaven and earth to make it work. Your main aim is to understand the narcissist, and be there for them come hell or high water.
When it comes to second chances, you dish them out like candy on Halloween because you just want to see the good in them.
They treat you a certain way that leaves you hoping for change. You wish, and spend every day wondering if that will be the day they change and see the light.
When they do offer a side of themselves that is nice, it’s a glimpse into your fantasy, and you wait for the rest to manifest itself.
It never does, but that doesn’t stop you holding on and waiting for more.
You want communication, while they lack the basics. You stay because you’re convinced there;s nothing better for you out there, and that the bond you have is one of a kind.
But to the narcissist, you are nothing but their latest opportunity.
#3 Why it works
The whole dynamic between a narcissist and their victim works because you never give up.
You want to keep waiting and trying, and when things get tough, it only makes you try even harder.
The less the narcissist does, the more you offer, until you are pouring from an almost empty cup.
This imbalance stems from control. The narcissist knows exactly what they’re doing, and they see your efforts but only intend on criticizing them even more.
You don’t do this right.
You don’t do that right.
You’re too needy.
You apologize, and aim to try better. One day, you realize that you are carrying the relationship all by yourself.
The narcissist is happy because you’re picking up all the slack, while they live in their egotistical bubble, unbothered that you’re struggling.
In fact, they caused that struggle.
#4 What narcissistic abuse does to you over time
Over time, because the narcissist is so good at convincing you that you’re going crazy, you’ll think you are.
You start doubting yourself. Your memory was always great, so why the change now?
The way you react also shifts. You want to react in a way that doesn’t piss the narcissist off even more than they are, but it’s hard when they seem to be goading you into a corner where you sound off and yell.
Over time, you start to be more and more careful. You are hyper-aware of all moods, and how they manifest.
You watch what you say through fear of inviting world war three into your home.
You can kiss goodbye to your confidence, because that’s been washed away with the latest high tide.
You want to be easier to love, so you try to do absolutely everything right, but nothing ever really is.
Less you, means more of their own toxic character has entered your mind and body. The less of you that lives within, the more the narcissist has a hold of you.
Over time, you stop growing. How can you possibly grow in this environment? You merely survive.
Time is not your friend when it comes to narcissistic abuse. The more of it you spend with them, the harder it becomes to leave and eventually heal.
#5 Picking you: jackpot!
This is what makes you so ideal to the narcissist. They picked you because they knew you would be easy to break.
And that’s not because you were weak, but because you had more about you to break. You can’t break somebody who is already broken, right?
So the narcissist looks for the strongest out there, as they love the challenge of knowing you are going to end up in pieces, shattered on the floor.
You aren’t the foolish person they’re trying to make you out to be, but you do forgive.
It’s in your nature to want to keep the peace, so being picked by the narcissist means they get to get away with literally everything…
…Repeatedly.
#6 Knowing where the fault lies
Your empathy isn’t what’s wrong here. What’s wrong is how the narcissist is exploiting you because you are the kind of person who feels deeply.
You respond to their abuse with care, and they know that. That’s why they play on it and make you feel like the problem is your capacity to love.
Do you see how it is a continuous cycle of you wanting to try your best to have it all work out, while the narcissist takes full advantage of that?
#7 Moving on and getting over
You can use what you are learning and know to repel narcissists in the future, and that’s the only real way you can move on and get over all the abuse they put you through.
It has to start with knowing that you are allowed boundaries, and those boundaries will save your life from any future abuser trying to worm their way into your life.
When you can learn to shift your perspective and see exactly why the narcissist picked you, then that will be the starting point from which you set off into your new chapter.
You can go from why was I never enough?, to, Why did I insist on accepting so little from you?
This is a whole new way of rebuilding trust within yourself. I promise you, you will then never become a person the narcissist picks ever again.
