You know what? You can try, and I’ll admire you for that much.
You can build yourself a little fort, with a moat going all the way around the perimeters. It’d be fantastic – nobody could cross it.
Your boundaries are not to be messed with.
Until the narcissist comes along.
Why don’t they work for narcissists?!
Unless those boundaries are made of titanium, you can bet your bottom dollar the narcissist is going to smash their way through.
One Rule For Me, One Rule For You…
Narcissists: I do not want to be interrupted while I am working! It’s very important to me!
Also narcissists: I know you’re working, but I need to know what time you’re doing dinner because I have gym plans this afternoon.
Okay, great.
So here we are – the messy and mountainous world of boundaries. Where one rule applies to them, and quite another applies to you.
Boundaries don’t work at all with narcissists. You can implement as many as you like, but if you aren’t prepared, the narcissist is going to laugh off every single one without a care in the world.
Your Boundaries Matter!
Now comes the important bit, before we dive in.
Are you listening up?
I need your attention, so make sure you read this bit with all of your attention.
Your boundaries matter.
The narcissist is going to do all they can to make you think they don’t, but they do. The stronger you get, the less likely they are to be able to handle exactly what it is you’re asking of them.
Eventually – yes – this can lead to broken relationships between you and the narcissist as they realize they can’t manipulate you (is this really a bad thing?!)
Before all of that though, you need to understand why boundaries don’t work with the regular narcissist attractor…
Why Boundaries With Narcissists Don’t Work
It’s clear any type of boundary is going to be completely and utterly ignored by the narcissist in your life. Why? Well – let’s get to that!
#1 They Don’t Care About You Enough to Respect You
Narcissists, despite what you might think when they’re being all lovey-dovey, don’t care about you.
The sooner you realize that, the more you will be able to come to terms with who exactly it is you’re dealing with.
Your boundaries will not work with a narcissist because they just don’t care about you enough to think you need respect. They don’t respect anybody – and that’s the hardest pill to swallow.
The only person they care about is themselves.
#2 They Think Boundaries Don’t Apply to Them
Narcissists are far too important to think that general rules apply to them. Boundaries are no different here.
If you have them, you can kiss goodbye to them unless you apply them firmly – because the narcissist is going to stamp all over them.
If you don’t like being contacted after 7pm because you enjoy your evenings, you can bet the narcissist will show up unannounced, even if they know this.
Your rules don’t matter – because they don’t include themselves there.
#3 Boundaries Mean You Are In Control – Big No No!
What?
You mean to tell me…
You’ve got the nerve…
To have your own boundaries?
No no no!
It can’t be! What does this mean?
That’s right. It means the narcissist isn’t in control.
Your boundaries are your way of maintaining that control, and that just won’t do,
What makes a narcissist the happiest is when they are pulling the strings and everybody is doing what they want them to do.
Having your own boundaries takes that away from the narcissist, and they won’t like it one little bit.
#4 They Want to Keep Manipulating You
A narcissist can’t manipulate you if you have boundaries in place. Even if you do, they will still manipulate you in the hope you eventually drop them altogether.
If you insist on no raised voices when you disagree, the narcissist will ignore that for their own gain. They will use your boundary against you, and eventually lead you to raise your voice. They may even say things like:
I feel for you because I know you don’t like raising your voice.
Or,
I’m sorry we had to get into that, I know you’ve said to talk calmly or not at all.
It’s so covert, you won’t realize you fell into it until you reflect.
And you realize…
Shoot. They just walked all over my and my boundary.
Building Your Own – and Sticking to Them!
Hey! It’s totally possible for you to have boundaries and stick to them. You firstly have to really get to know narcissism, and everything you want from the boundaries you create.
#1 Knowing What You Want
Writing a list of everything that is important to you will help you mold and shape your boundaries. These values should be your priority. What you’ll tolerate, when you draw the line – it all matters.
No boundaries should be moved by anybody other than you, and only when you say so.
Narcissists will keep coming back for more all the while you surrender your boundaries – so ensure they are rigid and anchored down, and you won’t have a problem.
#2 Knowing What You Don’t Want
Equally as important! Boundaries can sometimes focus too much on what you do want, that you forget to include everything you won’t put up with.
Where are your limits? What will make you press the emergency stop button?
I know one thing here – Narcissists will act how they want while holding their hands over that stop button, so you can’t press it.
Now you have to figure out how to uncover that button, so it’s exclusively yours to push.
Yours to own.
Work out what you don’t want, and stick to it. It has to matter to you. Those things suppress your growth – so they absolutely cannot remain negotiable.
#3 Being Comfortable Defending Yourself
When a narcissist confronts your boundaries, you’re going to have to be ready. You need to be your own hero, because it’s evident that the narcissist wasn’t brought into your life to save you.
Defending yourself leads to you realizing your worth and knowing exactly what it is you stand for.
We all have to stand for something. Write your mission statement. List all the ways you exude strength and character, then apply those to your boundaries.
#4 Commit!
Commitment truly carries boundaries from one day to the next. If you let them down from one day to another, they’re never going to be meaningfully consistent.
Knowing what you want is only part of your journey, it has to be sustained by you, otherwise none of it really matters.
Committing to your boundaries is hard, especially when you have a narcissist trying to encroach on them every step of the way. This is where strength and determination have to play a big part.
Are your boundaries negotiable?
No.