Growing up, you wanted to be heard, valued, loved, and safe. In fact, this is all any kid wants and what every kid should have the automatic right to.
Unfortunately, we don’t always get that lucky.
Narcissists breed, folks. It’s on us to understand that the children of narcissists aren’t at fault.
It’s hard though, to not look at yourself if you’re the one being treated by that parent unfairly.
Narcissists are mean, no matter who that is aimed at.
Narcissistic parents are some of the worst.
Here’s why.
Growing Up: The Narcissistic Family Dynamic
Living in a household where you have a narcissist as a parent can be extremely detrimental to your health. At the time, you think nothing of your childhood. What goes on behind closed doors quickly becomes normal to you, even if it is riddled with dysfunction.
The more you grow, the more you see that something just isn’t right. Your parent may neglect your needs, or refuse to tune into your emotions when you need them. They tell you that you must always perform perfectly in school. Outside school, you must keep up with any clubs or groups that they think are good for you.
As you get older, this turns into, “You can’t talk badly about this family to anybody. We have an image to uphold. We must stick together and form a strong front.”
At the time, you have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to protect your family, so you agree.
Soon enough, it becomes clear that your narcissistic parent was essentially saying, “Don’t talk about me to anybody, because people can’t know the true me behind the mask I wear in public.”
Affecting You
Can something so incessant and damaging not affect you?
The reason so many adults are realizing they experienced such trauma with a narcissistic parent is because it can take that long to understand the scale of it all.
This is every day.
Growing up, becoming the adult you are, even to this day.
It’s constant. And little by little, you piece together the world’s worst yet most enlightening puzzle.
Importantly…
As I frequently offer you in my posts – the fault is not yours to hold.
You’ve probably carried it for a number of years, thinking you did something wrong when you were a kid. You might reflect and think, “If only I had just listened more, or did as I was told…”
No.
It doesn’t work that way.
Narcissists are narcissists – and you are not.
And it truly is that simple.
The Mean Narcissistic Parent Requirements
Must have:
- A severe lack of interest in what their child likes, unless it’s something they like themselves.
- A tendency to be jealous whenever their child succeeds. While at the time, they display a polite clap of well done, they know this must not remain permanent. No attention must be anywhere other than on the parent.
- Conditional love. “I love you as long as you do this, like this, or act this way.” This goes into how the narcissistic parent can also say things like, “I go out all day to work, and I give you money for that new shirt, and this is how you repay me?” You can have the things, but you must appreciate the giver of things at all times. Even then, you’d still somehow make mistakes.
- The ability to criticize or ridicule. Especially in front of the child’s friends. The more you tease, the better.
- No time to spend with your child whatsoever.
Narcissistic Parents: Why Are They So Mean?
#1 They Were Treated Exactly The Same As a Kid
Now – it’s fair to say that not everybody who a narcissist raised will turn out to be one – but the likelihood is going to be more if they were raised to never be good enough.
Some people quash the insecurities dumped on them by a narcissistic parent, and try to make up for it in other ways. They could say, “Hey, I was treated this way and it wasn’t right. It left me insecure and I need to work on that.”
But they don’t.
They instead have the thought of, “Stands must be high, and I know I can get what I want if I play around with people and take advantage of their good nature. Life is boring without a little gossip, chaos and control.”
As we now have come to realize, generational patterns leak into the next, and the next, and so on.
It’s hard to see, but it only takes one person to break it.
Those are some of the strongest people living.
#2 Because You’re The Scapegoat
In each family dynamic, there is always a golden child, and always a scapegoat.
If you’re experiencing a narcissistic parent being mean to you, it’s much more likely that you’re the scapegoat. That’s not to say golden child’s get away with everything all of the time.
Scapegoats are usually the children most sensitive. They are the ones who sense every mood and every movement in the house. They live to please, but nothing they ever do seems good enough for the narcissist parent.
They’re the ones who always seem to get the blame if anything goes wrong, and the narcissist won’t hesitate in laying fault at their feet after mistakes are made.
In short – the scapegoat is the easy target.
This makes the narcissist always able to find somebody to be mean to. The scapegoat is always there to shout at or put down, and they are a crucial aspect of the narcissist’s planned dynamic.
#3 Because They’re Completely Ignorant To The Damage
Sad to say, but so true. And believe me, I can’t imagine what it’s like being put in this place of total and utter despair as a child. But narcissists will insist on this kind of behavior simply because they can. There’s no awareness for the narcissist to be able to understand the gravity of their attitude.
Children can grow to be adults who tell their narcissistic parents how they felt growing up, even now, and the narcissist will refuse to listen.
Yes – it is incredibly invalidating to all you experienced and went through. No – it doesn’t help you move on or get any closure from it. Yes – you feel frustrated and sad – constantly grieving somebody who is still living and breathing. No – you can do nothing to change who your parents are.
Coming to terms with having a narcissistic parent starts with the initial thought that they were a narcissist long before you were born.
They didn’t magically become one the day of your birth.
The fault is with them; they, like you, are responsible for themselves.
So now, you get to live the life you always wanted, with the freedom of having a little more information about narcissistic parents and just how mean they can be.
