I want you to picture your whole life like a big pie. There are slices for work, slices for health, slices for friendship, slices for hobbies, slices for love.
The slices make up you as a whole.
You love them all, because they equate. You can differentiate between them.
Imagine mashing all those slices up. Now you just have a big pile of pastry and filling. There are no boundaries, and no separate pieces any more.
That’s what the narcissist wants.
They take up everything. This huge pile is like your time being consumed.
Why would anybody want to do that?
Aren’t They All?!…
Not really.
If you think about it, healthy relationships can appear boring to those who have been used to the roller coaster of a toxic one.
Where are all the fights?
Where is your overthinking time?
Why aren’t you working hard on getting their validation or attention?
Well – you don’t need to do any of that. Why would you, if you are partnered with a stable, secure, healthy and emotionally regulated person?
You will wake up, eat breakfast together. You will go off to work, and come home again. You might start the dinner – they might start the dinner. You chat, you laugh, you make love. You’re respected.
The days bounce with ease from one to the next, and no, it’s not always roses. Every relationship comes with their own set of challenges.
But it’s calm.
The calm can be unsettling for those who are used to weathering a storm every single day.
When there is no narcissist to be anxious around – where does that leave you?
Well – now you know where your time would go if you were with a narcissist.
What it Does to You
It’s never good to be in this kind of relationship. As far as you are concerned – you are left wondering every single day what’s going to happen, and what mood the narcissist will be in.
It takes up a lot of your time and mental energy to even think about what’s going to happen next. You won’t realize it at the time, but when you reflect, you will notice exactly where you spent your energy…
… and why that currency is the most valuable of all.
Trying to Please Them… Yikes!
Maybe if I did this.
What if I bought them that?
If I acted this way…
Okay. I’ll tell you one thing here.
No matter what you do – you’re ever going to please the narcissist. Literally nothing you do will win them over. You won’t get that moment where they drop everything and tell you how proud they are of you.
So what does this mean for you?
It means you’re constantly chasing a dream you’ll never achieve. It takes up time, energy, worth, and self-esteem.
You’re constantly handing over parts of you in order to please them, but nothing ever comes good.
You think that if you could please them, make them happy in some way, they would love and respect you. Maybe their moods would change, and they would see you for the loving and caring person that you are.
And so you try. And you try. And you try again.
And guess what? You end up getting nowhere.
Recovery Time – Ouch
The recovery time doesn’t really exist all the while you’re in the relationship. The simple reason is:
Before you’ve had the time to get over one thing, another comes along. You’re constantly chasing your tail, thinking one day you’ll catch it.
But you never will.
If you have got into some conflict with the narcissist, despite trying really hard to remain calm, it will leave you feeling depleted.
It’s because they’ve literally sucked you dry. All your energy has completely gone – and it’s gone straight to the narcissist.
The consuming part of any recovery is how long it takes you to feel anything close to normal again – and you can’t do or feel that while you’re with them.
All you end up doing is going round and round in circles.
You Talk… and Talk About It
Friends, family, coworkers – it’s common to talk.
And I know, I get it. So much has happened. There is so much that has gone on in whatever narcissist relationship or friendship that you just need to make sense of it.
You think you’re just enjoying time with your loved ones, but what ends up happening is you constantly talk about your relationship with the narcissist, and how it is affecting you.
What they did.
How they made you feel.
How they upset you.
How you can’t understand them.
How you just want to get along.
And yes, I get it. You need to vent, and your loved ones are always there to listen to you.
But – does all this energy that you’re giving the narcissist make you feel any better at the end of it?
Is there never any room to just be you around them?
Watching, Reading, Educating
Now I love that you’re here reading this. In fact, I love you reading everything I write, because it means with every snippet and sentence, you’re getting more clued up.
When people discover they’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, they reach out to the experts for help, guidance and support.
And they need it.
You need it.
You need to wise up to the fact that it wasn’t your fault, and how you can heal.
You also need to learn how to avoid narcissists in the future.
It can get time consuming if you don’t have an off switch to it all, though. You have to give yourself some processing time. You have to also give yourself time to live. Time to breathe. Time to heal. Time to just be you, and figure out exactly who that is.
Rumination – Inability to Let Go
The inability to let go is the stage of grief known as denial. If you’re refusing to detach yourself from the situation in general, you’re going to spend an awful lot of time in a headspace that will prevent growth.
What could I have done differently?
What did I do wrong?
Why can’t I just be happy?
Learning when something is over, and why it ended, can open a new page in your book of life.
This chapter is over.
Missing Them
Ask yourself this:
What exactly do you miss?
Because I promise you, it’s not being ignored or ridiculed. It’s not being gaslit or stonewalled. It isn’t being shouted at, or goaded into conflict.
It’s not being ghosted or told you aren’t good enough.
You miss the attachment that came with the relationship.
The feeling that, for one brief moment in time, somebody wanted you.
In truth – there are lots of people who would value being in a relationship with you. Getting caught up in the one idea that the narcissist is the only one possible, is both wrong and time-consuming.
