There seems to be a huge gap between what a narcissist does for you, and what you need from them.
You aren’t being demanding, but there’s a reason why a narcissist will never provide you with the love and affection you deserve, even when they try.
Why?
Because they aren’t built to care. They don’t want to give everything to you.
That’s where things get pretty dark, so I think it’s best we dive in and get to the bottom of it together, don’t you?
#1 Knowing the narcissistic character
I know at first the narcissist may seem charming, and their confidence reels you in.
You breathe it in like it’s the freshest air in the world, and it draws you to them like a magnet.
Finally, you feel seen and heard, and it makes you feel somewhat special, too.
I hate to break it to you, but this is just the narcissistic mask. I say just like it’s a small thing; it isn’t.
It’s big. It’s intentional. It’s real. That’s why when it slips, everything changes.
Underneath that mask is the real person. You see a shift in their needs, their image, and how they control you.
There’s no real deep connection; just a person who collects attention like others collect stamps.
The narcissist wants you to believe that you’re building something real with them, when actually all you’re doing is living in hope that their promises will one day come true.
They won’t.
#2 When hope turns to dust
Eventually, hope does turn to dust. The potential fades, and what you’re left with is the kind of reality that is made up of your worst nightmare.
There’s change, but not the change you wanted.
You tell yourself, “They’re trying. They just need a little time. They love me in their own way.”
Waiting and waiting doesn’t cut it, but it’s that hope keeping you stuck until one day it just seems too heavy to carry any longer.
You’re no longer inspired by the narcissist, you’re just exhausted from trying to see the good in them.
When they do try, it’s only because they’re terrified of losing you as it makes them fear they’re unlovable.
This screams out to every single insecurity they have. It tells them they’re not always able to have everything their own way, which frightens them more than they will ever care to admit.
#3 Wasting your best years
Time never makes a lot of noise, does it? It won’t shout, because it can’t. Instead, it just quietly slips away.
One year comes three, Four becomes right. All the while, there you are thinking, “This has to get better at some point.”
All your best years are ploughed into the relationship, and your energy and patience are maxed out.
But where are they being put? Into somebody who doesn’t appreciate you, who never wants to grow and develop your relationship, and who keeps you waiting for everything from affection to respect, and even consistency.
#4 What do you need?
It’s a big question, but likely one that you’ve never thought to ask yourself.
I’ll answer for you.
You need safety, not tension. You need consistency, not drama. You need an empathic ear, not ego.
You need to be heard in your relationship, not pushed aside.
A love that feels steady is always so out of reach when it comes to narcissistic abuse.
Living as though you are constantly being tested is a sad reality, and one that many can relate to.
#5 A narcissist will never give it to you
This is the big moment.
A narcissist will never give you what you want because they can’t. They’re unable.
It’s not a question of won’t, it’s that they just don’t have the tools, or the character to be able to do so.
Care and love are a performance. They think it does you good to see that side of them, and makes you feel like the relationship is real.
But when that fades, what is left? There’s nothing sustainable, and that’s where the problem starts.
If you think about it, a narcissist is fully able to mirror your own emotions, but that doesn’t mean they feel them, too.
The right words? Sure. They can roll off a narcissist’s tongue like water off a duck’s back.
But so what?
None of it means a thing.
You have to remember that a huge reason for this is because you both speak different emotional languages.
You want realness, while they want to play you for a fool all the while insisting they’re for real.
You can’t be the only one willing to translate that, can you?
#6 Trying is only temporary
Let’s be real:
The narcissist only tries temporarily.
When they fear losing you, they try. When they want something from you, they try.
When they feel exposed, they want to revert to a person who is great at loving and caring.
There’s kindness and attentiveness. They are present in every conversation, but it’s only ever for a while.
That’s what strikes so many people, don’t you agree? That’s what keeps them wishing and hoping for a permanent change, but that change never comes.
And you didn’t do anything wrong, you just ended up loving somebody who just doesn’t care at all about you.
#7 When to give up
I don’t think any victims give up on the narcissist, they instead give up on waiting.
It’s the only way for them to truly move forward and heal; knowing that the empathy, accountability and change they want is never going to come.
You’ve been fighting for something that they don’t even see as a problem, so how must that make you feel.
Miserable, to say the least. Lonely? I’d say that, too.
Giving up isn’t failure, but you must do so when you can see that nothing is changing, no matter how hard you try.
If it does, it’s only for a short time to keep you from leaving.
You must be brave enough to notice the patterns, and learn how familiar they are.
#8 Learning from your past
I don’t think you will walk away empty-handed if you think about how wise these situations make you.
Growing into what love should feel like, rather than what it shouldn’t is a huge personal milestone.
You learn to start trusting the patterns you see, rather than any empty promises that fly your way.
And you know what a big part of all of this is? You get to understand that being alone is far better than being lonely with the wrong person.
In time that can look like learning to trust yourself again, and know that you have the ability to make the right choices when they present themselves to you.
Your boundaries come back, and this time, they don’t budge for anybody.
You quickly understand that settling and waiting for the narcissist to give you what you need on a long term basis is pointless.
When you want something real, you have to leave behind what is pretend in order to find it and hold onto it.
