So, you did the big thing and broke up with the narcissist. Congratulations! But wait, what’s going on? Why are you chasing?
I thought this was your moment to break free and follow your heart toward a place of safety and happiness; something real.
Chasing a narcissist is never about chasing a person. It’s about chasing an idea, a wish.
You’re chasing more heartache and pain, because let’s be real – the relationship was not good. If you finally stop? What comes next is what your mind, body and soul really needs.
#1 Standing Still After the Discard
Getting to a point where you feel actually done with the narcissist and your relationship with them is a big step.
It means you’ve shifted from the cycle to a place where you just don’t want to participate any more.
To get there takes a lot of courage, but it also involves you admitting to yourself that no matter what you do in that dynamic, nothing is going to work.
You’ve done the discarding this time, and the narcissist is probably thinking, “They’ll be back soon enough.”
For you, it feels different. That’s because this time, it really is over.
The narcissist has treated you like you don’t exist one too many times, and you’ve suddenly realized that you have worth attached to you that they’re not going to have future access to.
You’re not falling for their act a minute more. So you stand still, accepting that returning back to them would mean returning back to their tricks and games.
And you’re done with it all.
#2 The Panic of the Narcissist Needing New Supply
For the narcissist initially, nothing changes. They still think you’ll return, and their ego will convince them that sooner or later, you’re going to need them.
On this occasion, that’s not true, but only time, and your consistency will prove that.
You stepped back and did a good thing – the right thing – and now the narcissist hears nothing but the sound of science where your tears and reactions once had space for.
This is when real panic mode sets in. They’re used to seeing you return, proving to them that you can’t live without them, but you’re nowhere to be seen this time.
It’s a good feeling for you, because suddenly, and for the first time in a long time, you’re holding the power. The control is with you, and that’s the kind of move that will make the narcissist lose sleep.
This is your time to carve out a future you want. Set goals you want to keep. And all the while do it without the sounds and sighs of a toxic person intent on seeing you fail.
#3 “I Give You a Week. You Will Miss Me by Then”
A week? Really? In fact, the narcissist can give you all the time in the world; you’re still not going to return.
What’s happening here is the narcissist is holding out hope, but almost trying to double bluff you into returning so they can prove themselves to be right.
They want to say, “I told you so,” when you inevitably return, which is why it’s wise to keep to your word and stay away. At least then you know you end up with the last laugh.
This is how sure of themselves narcissists are; they honestly think you’ll crawl back.
This time, you won’t. It won’t work.
#4 Tumbleweed Invokes Real Fear
When everything has been still and silent for long enough, this is when the narcissist gets really uncomfortable. The tumbleweed flies past them, and they finally realize you’re gone for good.
What’s next?
The narcissist feels like they’re living an actual nightmare of epic proportions. Their ability to function slides down and out like it were in a drainpipe destined for the sewers.
What do they have?
Nothing. There’s no back-up plan for them. For years they’ve developed this large-scale plan that involves you being abused and them being in control, and now that’s all been lost because you’ve gone, and gone for good.
Fear ignites, and it’s never pretty. Remember, a narcissist is far too self-involved to want to display fear as fear, so it usually presents as anger, revenge or punishment.
They can get so mad that their only desire is to take you down before you get too happy without them.
It’s the only way they feel you’ll learn your lesson to never leave them.
Interestingly, there’s another reaction that you might see from a narcissist after breaking up, and that is hoovering.
#5 Watch Out for Hoovering
Sometimes, a narcissist might want to try to prove they can be better than before. It never works and ultimately the relationship reverts back to how it’s always been, but that won’t stop them from attempting to hoover you back in.
- Constant texts
- Calls
- Emails
- Flowers at your door
- They might threaten to harm themselves to get you to come back
- Threats to harm you
- Promises they will change
Things can get nasty, but they want to do whatever it takes to make sure you return.
Will it work? Only if you let it. It can get real, but that doesn’t mean you are under any obligation to do something about it.
These types of moves only end up being about power play, and what they can do to win back the dominating aspect of the relationship that once was.
If you want the ugly truth, it’s that narcissism will never go away. It won’t vaporize into thin air.
In fact, it stays with the narcissist all their life. If you end up staying with them that long, it’ll stay with you, too.
I know you can hope, but if you spend your life hoping, you’ll waste it on somebody who will take everything from you.
You’re now at a time where your future is more important than ever. How do you want it to look?
#6 Meanwhile, You
Have to start living the life you left them to pursue. That’s what all of this is about, isn’t it? You.
If you stay, you only end up more messed up than ever. If you leave, you stand a good chance of making your dreams come true away from the narcissist, away from their criticism, away from their manipulation.
What it all boils down to is that single moment you decide you’re leaving. It may come after years of being stuck in an endless loop of heaven and hell, and hot and cold.
The point is, it comes at all. I don’t think there can be any going back from that level of certainty after years of ill treatment and inconsistency.
The narcissist is reliant on your chasing of them. Without it, they’re nothing.
They spend their whole lives wanting to feel important, and as if people can’t live without them.
In fact, the opposite is true. We can all live without narcissists interfering with our daily lives, and we should be free to do so.
Unfortunately, people do get tangled up in their charm, and that’s why when you decide enough is enough, you have to keep to your word.
