Those who have a good heart want to forgive the people they love when they’ve been done wrong.
I know it’s probably a nice idea in your mind, but in reality, constant forgiveness only asks for trouble.
For the big things that hurt, there has to be another way, and there is.
But for those of you who need a reminder, saying, “I forgive you” feeds the narcissist well, and they will love to hear those words.
What comes next is something we need to talk about today.
#1 The power of realization
It’s a hugely powerful thing to realize that forgiveness isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
I know it is sold into the world as the best way to heal from somebody or something, but forgiveness isn’t always a good thing.
I know from experience working with so many victims that forgiveness can actually be dangerous in a number of ways, and that’s why this kind of topic is so important to discuss.
Realizing this puts you – the victim – in the driver’s seat.
It gives you the chance to see that forgiving a narcissist spells so much trouble for your future and for what you set as a standard for all relationships.
I am positive that you’d want to learn about what happens next.
#2 The narcissist isn’t who you think they are
Putting this kind of statement out there is one of the hardest parts about teaching victims about narcissistic abuse.
It challenges everything you have ever thought about the narcissist, and asks you to peel off your rose-tinted glasses to see what’s really going on underneath.
The narcissist isn’t who you think they are.
You may see somebody who is charming, full of great energy, and who really and truly loves you.
In reality, they are pretending to be all of those things so that you love them.
When you do, they know it will take a large miracle for you to see through it and leave, so their act must be convincing.
Soon enough, certain things start to happen within your relationship dynamics.
- They start to be later and later home from work.
- They join a gym and spend all their free time there, instead of sharing it with you.
- They prefer to be out with friends than spending any time with you.
- They cross the line with a female friend or coworker.
- They snap at you, calling you names.
- They criticize you to the point where you cry.
- They mock everything you love to do, so that you stop doing those things.
- They gaslight you, making you think your reality is just your imagination.
- They steal from you, or borrow money without asking.
- They rack up debt in your name, canceling your credit score.
But guess what? Even after that long list of examples that don’t even begin to touch the sides of what they narcissist is capable of, they will just say they’re sorry.
What should be an important word that brings with it authentic remorse, becomes a word thrown to you in such a meaningless way that even you forget its true meaning and significance.
What a shame, right? To live in a world where sorry means so little, yet still asks you for so much.
I think this is a good place to start looking at what asking for forgiveness means, both to you and the narcissist.
#3 Forgiveness: what it means to you
For you, forgiveness is an act of letting another person know that you are okay with what they did.
This is okay if they forgot to take the bins out, but the bigger the reason to ask for forgiveness, the more you should question whether or not you should forgive.
I don’t want to say that to push you away from the people you love, but can it really be love if they are hurting you?
When forgiveness to you feels like you are just letting pain occur and saying, “It’s okay.
I give you permission to cause more of it,” then you are creating problems for yourself that shouldn’t exist.
You want to be happy, and you want a life of peace.
Again, that’s not a problem if you still retain boundaries, but narcissists are always looking for conflict, so I would urge you to tread carefully around the concept of forgiveness.
#4 Forgiveness: what it means to the narcissist
This where everything takes a dark turn, and things get very interesting.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean any of the above for the narcissist. Instead, forgiveness means the following:
I am a narcissist, and when somebody forgives me, it means they are letting me off the hook.
I can pretty much do what I want because I know the other person will shrug, smile, and tell me that it’s okay.
As a result, I push boundaries, treat them unfairly, and carry on living the kind of life I want with nobody challenging me or holding me accountable.
I’m aware that I’m being harshly direct with you, but it’s for a good reason.
It’s so that you see what you create every time you forgive.
#5 What the narcissist expects next
So, what comes next? What happens after you say, “I forgive you?”
The narcissist learns that little more about you, and just how much you’re willing to tolerate.
It’s a big thing, and I want you to think about what that might mean for your own life.
What are you teaching yourself about forgiveness if you allow yourself to be hurt, and to let the narcissist walk all over you in any way they please?
You’re teaching yourself that you don’t matter, and their lack of compassion toward hurting you in the first place reaffirms this inaccurate belief, helping it grow bigger than ever before.
The narcissist expects you to forgive them every time they ask for it. They expect you to widen your scope of what is acceptable.
They will never forget what you forgave them for, so the next time they cause that pain will be a reminder to you that you let them off before, so you should again.
#6 How to forgive … and move on
Forgiveness can instead look like saying, “I see you. I forgive you. But I am not allowing you back into my life and risking that happening to me again.”
It might seem so simple, but in fact, it can be that easy if you hold your boundaries and not let them slip, even if you think you love that person more than anything.
Maybe you think you do, but I ask you this:
If they loved you, would they be hurting you in that way?
Expecting forgiveness is a sign that they are expecting you to glaze over what they did, and refuse to hold up a mirror showing them what they did that was so wrong.
Once you can understand the value of moving on once somebody has shown you their true colors, you are officially embarking on a journey of continued self-improvement, rather than a journey of self-destruction.
And that’s got to be worth something, right?
