You just can’t put your finger on what’s wrong. Something seems off, and you cannot come up with a reasonable explanation.

What is it?

The person in your life is doing this. They’re doing that. They’re saying this. They’re making you feel like that.

This and that can mean so many things, and if you are adding all of those together, you’re likely going to come up with the sum of narcissism.

This can be an equation that many find tricky, and you can’t do it with a calculator. 

You can do it with the help of somebody knowledgeable, though.

Let’s add it all together and show you how their ‘this and that’ equate to real narcissism.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The following characteristics and traits define Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

• Lack of empathy

• Need for excessive admiration

• Arrogance

• Grandiose sense of self-importance

• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited beauty, ideal love, brilliance and unlimited success and power

• Belief that they are unique and only understood by people of a high status

• Sense of entitlement

• Exploitative behavior

• Envious of others, or the belief that others are jealous of them

• Demonstrates arrogant behavior or attitude

These traits are non-negotiable. They are hugely demoralizing for the people on the receiving end, and result in abusive relationships where you, as the non-narcissist, suffer the most. 

You Won’t Be Presented With The Truth – At First

Narcissists are never going to present truthfully when you first meet them. If they did, you’d run as fast as your legs can carry you!

Instead, you’ll see more of these kinds of behavior patterns: 

• The charm. It’s what they do best, and is sent to make you feel caught up in the whirlwind of romance, destiny and ‘meant to be.’ The charm of the narcissist plays out exactly the same, from victim to victim. 

They know what works and the kinds of people to approach with said charm. 

• Love bombing. I can’t stress how intense this is. The person who wants to get you might send you constant texts, calls, emails, or messages online. They want your attention. 

They want you to think of them constantly, so you quickly become their world’s center. They will do this until you are hooked. Once you’re hooked, it’s game over.

• The ‘lovely, wonderful person’ to your family and friends. As the narcissist charms you, they extend that to everybody you know. They need to be liked by all. 

Eventually, when you realize who they really are, you’re going to want to tell people what you know. If the narcissist fakes it, you will find yourself having a tough job convincing others what you really know. 

Spotting the Red Flags

Red flags are exactly what they say you are:

They spell danger.

Think about those vacations you take on those gorgeous beaches. You see the flags you’re supposed to swim in between, and avoid the red ones because the water is dangerous.

Narcissists don’t enter your life waving red flags. Instead, they cover them with very charming behaviors, as stated above. 

It’s up to you to spot the overly-charming personality, followed swiftly by the attitude that you don’t matter at all. 

Those contrasting behaviors are not normal, and noticing them isn’t going to be easy if you already love and feel attached. 

However, and I cannot stress this enough:

The red flags are there, whether you like it or not. 

When You Know It’s Narcissism

#1 They Treat You Differently To Others

It’s not okay for people to pick and choose how they treat people, according to what they want out of it.

Alas, this is what narcissists do. They will be your new best friend if they want something from you. The moment they’re done, you’re yesterday’s news. 

You will notice the hot and cold blowing from them, and with that can come some really extreme attitudes. Depending on the day, they can be sickly sweet or downright cruel.

It’s not right, and it’s not normal. You should be able to tell a narcissist based on the way you observe them treat both you, and everybody else. 

#2 You Feel Confused

Why should anybody you are with make you feel confused?

Confusement comes from gaslighting. It stems from the way one minute you’re being told you’re the best person in the world – to being ignored the next.

Your opinions become mute, and you’re told you’re useless, or drab, or whatever the insult may be. 

Applying confusing behaviors to their victims creates nothing but inconsistent relationships, and those alone mean you are dealing with some kind of narcissist. 

#3 Your Self- Esteem Dips

Self-esteem tumbles when you spend too much time with a narcissist. They purposely drain you of any good feeling you had about yourself, and they do it so you become reliant on them.

Their opinions are the only right ones.

Their ideas are the only good ones.

You become somebody who simply doesn’t matter.

That’s narcissism.

#4 You See Your Friends and Family Less

Narcissists are incredibly sly at cutting you off from people you love. They can do it covertly, such as implying you’re too good for them.

You’ll agree, because you’ve been conditioned to believe what they say is true.

Suddenly, and before long, you feel alone and isolated. 

The narcissist has you right where they want you. Unable to ask people you were once close to for advice, you’ll learn quickly to rely on the narcissist solely. 

#5 You’re Criticized Daily

The criticism that spews from the mouth of the narcissist is relentless. It can be so unkind and unjust, too. None of it will mean anything to you, but there you are, listening and eventually believing it. 

Criticism acts like a hammer and a chisel to your personality – eroding it with every comment or utterance. 

Nobody with healthy personality traits would do this. 

#6 They Charm, Then Discard

One minute you’re loved, the next you’re dismissed. You won’t know how the narcissist truly feels about you other than it changes every single day, and you’re left feeling understandably hurt and quashed. 

#7 They Love (and Bring) Drama

Drama is never far away from any narcissist. They love to be able to add a little conflict into the mix, and will purposely set about doing so wherever possible.

Drama is created and then denied by the narcissist. They never have anything to do with what went on, yet set about subtly pulling the strings behind the scenes. 

#8 They Make You Feel Bad

Something feels off when you’re with a narcissist. Before you’ve even realized they’re a narcissist, you are off-balance.

Their moods do nothing to really enrich you, they just make you feel unsettled and unsafe, even though they do all they can in the beginning to hook you in.

The contrast here is frightening, but that’s how they roll.

Every single time. 

Are Narcissists Evil?

When you encounter a narcissist, your first thought isn’t going to be how evil they are.

Why would it be?

They’re charming. They’re attentive. They call you and want to see you. They promise you all kinds of crazy things.

The bait develops into a bite, and suddenly they’re reeling you in.

But… When does the evil show? Does it even exist?

In your own experience, can you tell me if you know any narcissists who are truly evil?

I hear you!

First Off…

Alright. I want you for a second to think about any of the narcissists you’ve previously encountered. 

Get a clear image of them in your head (bleurgh…), and ask yourself:

Was this person ever nice?

You’ll answer yes. Because they were. 

Over time and very gradually, narcissists move like tectonic plates around new people. They move so slowly, you don’t even feel like the ground below you is even moving. 

You feel safe, secure, and loved. You’re happy, they pay you lots of compliments, and their absolutely encapsulating nature blindsides you.

Narcissistic Earthquake

Suddenly, the ground starts rumbling. You stop what you’re doing, confused at how unsteady everything below you feels.

You thought you were safe.

Now there are cracks in your foundation, and weaknesses in your structure. 

The narcissist earthquake strikes. 

Bad behavior. 

Belittling.

Gaslighting.

Triangulation.

You feel isolated from loved ones.

Your confidence is plummeting.

Your self-esteem erases entirely. 

It begins.

We rarely have time to ask that one important question in the midst of such a change to our previously steady worlds.

Am I in the presence of evil?

How Could Anybody Be So…

Right. 

Well, it’s hard to imagine anybody having the ability to be so underhand: sly, crooked, unkind, egoistical, self-centered, dismissive, fragile. 

When a narcissist is all of those things plus so much more, you can equate them to having a really evil undertone.

The conscience they don’t have when they manipulate you or others.

The way they enjoy creating and watching conflict unfold while maintaining it’s “nothing to do with them” cannot be anything short of such a thing.

Narcissists Look For A Certain Someone

Narcissists know who they are looking for. They don’t zone in on strong, self-assured characters they know they can’t break. Also people they avoid are the ones who know narcissism (perhaps those who have had that experience and can spot them). 

They’re looking for a soft target. Somebody with the potential to forgive a thousand times. A person who always sees the good in others. An empathic soul, who can give the narcissist what they need. 

Themselves. 

Have you ever asked yourself, “Why does the narcissist only utilize their control and power over certain people?”

It’s because they know what they’re looking for. They have a list of criteria you must meet for them to feel you can provide something for them.

The Pick and Choose

When people come to me for advice about narcissists, they often say, “But they aren’t like this in front of anybody else.”

What I need you to understand about abusers is – they pick and choose their moods.

If a person can be overly, sickly sweet, nice to somebody in public, and then leave that event with you a different person – something’s up.

Underneath that swift change, there is intent—intent to appear nice to everybody else but to put all their toxicity into being alone with you. If a person is in control of that, they are in control of what they’re doing.

So much so, in fact, that it becomes nothing but a game to them. A way to use everyone they know as pawn pieces in their huge life game of chess.

How Can Destruction Not Be Evil?

Narcissists are known to pull entire families apart, simply because they can. They can seek out the scapegoat, ensure they’re isolated, and turn everybody else against them in a sheer act of toxic defiance.

They lose zero sleep at night worrying about you and how it has affected your mental wellbeing. 

They wake up each morning, not quite knowing what will happen, but strong in their knowledge they will handle it.

Even Their Kids?!

Painfully, yes.

I personally cannot look at the children in my family without thinking about how precious they are, and how much they mean to us all. 

I wouldn’t want any harm to come to them. Healthy families don’t. They love, cherish, teach, forgive, and nurture. Healthy parenting looks like encouraging growth and the ability to inspire. 

Money = Love

Narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves. They control in the same way they would anybody else. They love money and material objects. They neglect without warning, and chop and change their moods to suit themselves.

They ignite anxiety and uncertainty in their children, as young as you can imagine. 

Narcissistic parents will walk all over their children to maintain their own innocence, and they don’t care how much they hurt them in the process.

In fact, if their child dares to speak up and say, “The things you say and do hurt my feelings,” they will be hung out to dry. 

Ask yourself this…

I want to leave you with an open-ended question that I hope can go some way to help you understand the true evil nature of a narcissist.

How has the narcissist changed your life?

I ask this as a way to get you to think about all the ways their evil nature has trickled into areas of your life you didn’t think were possible.

Maybe they stopped you from getting that job.

Maybe they poke fun at the clothes you wear.

Are they behind the reason you no longer see that family member, or friend?

Have you become less confident since you’ve known them?

Do they make you feel nervous or on edge when you’re near them?

Are they the cause of much conflict?

True evil rarely comes at you so overtly. If it did, you’d hold your hands up and say, “Hey! Not today!” We don’t do this initially with a narcissist because they come at us with their cycle of abuse.

The love bombing.

The smiles and fake promises that we cling to. 

Why? Because we’ve no reason to believe they are bad at all. We see the good. 

Narcissists take root before you’ve even realized they’re narcissists. They grow slowly and, over time, begin to take over your entire character. They’re hard to get rid of, and the task can often feel overwhelming. 

They’re dangerously evil.

They’re human Japanese Knotweed.