Hold your nerve!

The narcissist knows, you know.

They’ve got wind of your knowledge. Maybe it was a look you gave them or an indifferent reaction where they hoped for fireworks.

You know. They begin to panic.

The sweat beads form into a regimented line as they roll down the face of the narcissist.

Now what?!

Interestingly, everything changes. I just hope you’re ready for what’s up ahead…

Narcissists: Happy Until They’re Not

Narcissists love to thrive on admiration from others, even though deep down, they actually hate themselves. It’s well hidden through the manipulation and control of others. 

Narcissists are at their happiest when they are the center of attention. 

Praise

Adoration

Envy

Love

They want to be there for it all, so much so that their world revolves around making that happen daily. 

As long as they can maintain this standard, they are content.

There’s one thing to remember, though: The narcissist’s happiness is fragile, like a box of raw eggs. 

It is also built on a toxic foundation of dishonesty and deceit (no shock there, I hear you say).

The moment you start to see through it all, their whole world starts to crumble. 

The charm turns to defense. From loving to hostile, all in the blink of an eye.

Why the Change in Attitude?

When a narcissist realizes you’ve figured them out, their attitude will change almost instantly.

Suddenly, they feel exposed and vulnerable, and these are two things they DESPISE feeling. 

This realization threatens the image they worked so hard ro build, and convince everybody that it was real. The mask they have worn so effortlessly begins to slip, and they cannot handle it.

• Everything is changes
• Panic sets in
• “What happens next?” they wonder.

Your Knowledge is Your Superpower

Knowing the truth about a narcissist will actually give you a kind of superpower, you just need the cape and mask!

As you start to see their manipulations for what they are, you want to shout it from the rooftops, and I get it, you’ve waited for this for a long time.

You finally understand their tactics and lies, and this new knowledge allows you to protect yourself from further abuse.

But…

…It also makes you a threat.

A big one.

Above everything else, narcissists fear exposure. They fear losing their control and influence they have over others. As soon as they realize you know their true nature, they’ll stop at nothing to discredit and destroy you.

You are now the enemy.

When a Narcissist Knows You Know – What Happens?

I’ve got the 8 top things that happen as soon as the narcissist knows you know!

#1 Deny! “I Don’t Know What You’re Talking About…”

Their first line of defense the narcissist will always visit, is that of denial. 

Oh, they will do what it takes to deny any wrongdoing. 

The truth will be twisted, and you will become confused in this whirlwind of gaslighting. 

That never happened 

You’re imagining things

You seem confused

Gaslighting is a weapon every narcissist on the planet has to hand. They’re so insecure that they can’t bear to see you think your own thoughts. Questioning your reality might just make you change your opinion.

Or rather, have it changed for you.

#2 “It’s Not Me, This is All You!”

Hands up – who has directly experienced blame-shifting?!

Ah, yes. A sea of understanding and knowledgeable hands rise, and I am barely surprised.

The narcissist’s lies and manipulations become your fault all of a sudden.

You’re the one with trust issues 

You’re always overreacting

This is typical of you

I knew you’d go down this same route

What exactly are you trying to do here?

Projection is nothing but another favorite tactic of theirs. They will happily accuse you of the very things they’re guilty of doing, and it’s a way to deflect attention from them.

You’re the villain!

#3 The Age-Old Smear Campaign

When the narcissist realizes they can’t manipulate you any longer, they’ll try to smear your name all over town. Believe me when I say, it can get nasty. 

They will spread rumors and lies to mark you down and ruin your reputation. 

Let me tell you about them…

If only you knew what I know

You think you know them, but…

Anybody who will listen. Anybody.

Why do they do this? Well, they want to isolate you, of course. They are desperate to make it harder for you to share your truth. That way, they get to maintain theirs. 

(Which actually isn’t the truth).

#4 Playing Victim

Playing victim is how the narcissist makes you feel guilty. 

I can’t believe you would do this to me

After everything I’ve done for you! (This is a classic!)

Narcissists are experts at playing the victim. 

The tears will come on, and you will see their weakness spill out.

Woe is me!

#5 The Rage!

Rage is a classic attempt at creating drama and shutting you down quickly. 

They’ll lash out in anger, no problems. It’s done to intimidate you, so you go silent, and stop talking about who they really are. 

How dare you accuse me!

You’ll regret this!

Who do you think you are!

Retaliation like this can be both overt and covert. 

They can absolutely threaten you and spread lies. They may even sabotage a part of your life in revenge. 

This is because their goal is to punish you for seeing through their falseness and to make you pay for challenging them in some way.

A big way. 

#6 The Discard – “Bye, Bye!”

In some cases, narcissists will simply discard you. They want to get rid of you very quickly. Well, what good are you now, you know?!

If they can’t control you, they have no use for you, and they won’t hesitate to cut you out of their life without so much as a second thought.

And yes, I am all too familiar with how much of a painful experience this is. I see many people in my line of work suffering from this loss (which is actually a gain in disguise).

You still care about them, and that’s understandable, considering what they put you through. 

But it’s also a sign that you have been given a chance to regain your power. 

The narcissist can no longer manipulate you, so where do they go now?

They move on to their next target.

#7 Hoovering You Back Up

Don’t be surprised if they try to pull you back in after discarding you. 

This tactic is known as hoovering, and I know some of you will be aware of how destructive this is in the long run. The narcissist will take pleasure in trying to suck you back into the relationship. Promises of change, declarations of love: they will try it all. 

It’s different this time, I swear.

I’ve changed.

I’m a new person now.

That was the old me.

They haven’t changed at all, they just want to regain control. 

Don’t fall for it for one second. 

#8 False Promises

Narcissists love to make false promises to regain your trust. 

I promise, I will go to therapy.

I’ll change, I swear.

These are all empty. They won’t do those things. They just want you to believe they will, so you stay or keep quiet. 

Change requires genuine effort and self-awareness – traits that narcissists lack. They’re only interested in maintaining their control and their image.

They don’t care about you. 

Do Narcissists Know What They Are Doing?

It’s easy to fall into the trap of giving narcissists the benefit of the doubt, especially when love is involved. You might want to believe that their destructive behaviors are mere lapses in judgment rather than deliberate acts of manipulation.

Countless people who have endured narcissistic relationships often grapple with the question, “Do narcissists really know what they’re doing?” The heart-wrenching reality is difficult to accept—it’s almost unimaginable that someone professing love could intentionally cause you such harm.

Although narcissists might not consciously manipulate, gaslight, or blame you every single time, they are acutely aware of their overarching behavior, much of which is meticulously calculated.

However, understanding narcissists is far from straightforward. In this article, we’ll delve into the complexities behind their actions to uncover whether they are genuinely oblivious to the pain they inflict, or if their cruelty is a calculated choice.

Are Narcissists Self Aware?

Narcissists know when they’re love bombing you or gaslighting you. They invest time and thought into their manipulations, ensuring they’ll have their desired effect. 

There’s nothing wrong with a narcissist’s level of self-awareness – the problem stems from their lack of empathy. Narcissists know that flying into a narcissistic rage will upset you or even drive you to tears, but they don’t really care. 

One of the easiest ways to understand a narcissist’s behavior is to compare them to a dog (not very flattering, I know, but bear with me). 

When a dog barks at you, it’s not doing it to upset you or even frighten you – it just wants you to go away. It doesn’t think about or even care how its behavior makes you feel as long as it has the desired outcome. 

The narcissist behaves in the same way. They can see that their behavior upsets you but can’t empathize with those emotions, so think no more about them. 

A degree of premeditation is essential. It would be impossible to consistently love-bomb and then devalue someone without a certain measure of self-awareness.

Sadly, the narcissists’ self-awareness is a little different from other people’s. If we behave in a manner that upsets someone else or is perceived as antisocial, we strive to change and become better people in the eyes of others. 

Narcissists don’t have this desire. They’re ego-dystonic, meaning they see their behavior only in terms of their self-image and goals, so it doesn’t arouse the same self-recrimination in them as it does in others. 

Do all Narcissists Know What They are Doing is Wrong?

Narcissists may have some self-awareness, but that doesn’t shed much light on the question, “Do narcissists know what they are doing is wrong?” We need to gain some insight into their complex thought patterns to answer that. 

While some narcissists may recognize their behavior as problematic, others might genuinely believe their actions are justified or even righteous because they achieve certain goals.

Think about it like this – a narcissist believes they’re perfect and superior to everyone around them. In their formative years, no one ever told them what they were doing was wrong, so they never learned to be accountable for their behavior or learn from their mistakes. 

Researchers at Oregon State University found that because narcissists refuse to acknowledge they’ve made a mistake, they fail to learn from them. They lack the self-reflection needed to recognize bad behavior and the motivation to change it. 

Even if they do recognize that they’ve done something wrong, they’ll refuse to take responsibility for it, either by understating it or blaming someone else for provoking it. 

For instance, a narcissist might realize that cheating on their partner is wrong, but instead of owning up to it, they might shift the blame onto their partner, claiming that the partner’s perceived coldness or inattentiveness pushed them into the situation.

In essence, the degree to which narcissists comprehend the wrongfulness of their actions can vary greatly. It’s often intertwined with their deeply ingrained self-image, their upbringing, and their capacity for self-reflection.

In general, most narcissists are aware that their behavior might be considered wrong but don’t accept that the rules that apply to everyone else apply to them. 

Narcissists believe themselves so superior that they think they can break the rules and get away with doing things others would be admonished for. 

Do Narcissists Know They are Manipulating?

Not every manipulation will be premeditated, but the narcissist will be aware of their manipulative behavior. 

So, “do narcissists understand what they are doing?” – to a degree. In some instances, narcissists aren’t just aware of what they’re doing but also proud of it. In other situations, a narcissist may react subconsciously, using well-worn patterns of behavior simply out of habit rather than conscious intent. 

I’ve got a couple of examples to help illustrate my point. 

Premeditated Manipulation

Imagine you’re in a committed relationship with a narcissist, but his need for attention and validation is such that he’s always looking out for other opportunities to boost his self-esteem. After a few months, he feels his narcissistic supply is drying up and seeks the thrill of a new context.

He plans each moment of his deception, starting by strategically creating distance between himself and you. He instigates subtle arguments, withdraws emotionally, and starts planting seeds of doubt about the stability of your relationship.

The narcissist then pinpoints a co-worker who’s shown a friendly interest in him and starts spending more time with her, telling her his relationship with you is on the rocks and hinting at his emotional vulnerability.

He slowly escalates the physical aspect of their relationship, love-bombing her into believing this relationship is all he’s ever wanted. At the same time, he rationalizes the affair, telling himself he has every reason to look elsewhere because you’re not giving him the attention he deserves. 

When you finally find out about the affair, he blames you for his infidelity, saying you’ve been emotionally distant and neglectful.

This is a clear example of premeditated manipulation. Not only did your partner prepare the ground for his betrayal, but he also identified a target, pursued her, and justified the affair to himself while maintaining the role of the victim in his relationship with you. 

Subconscious Manipulation

A narcissist might behave unconsciously in a different scenario, but their manipulation will be just as effective. 

Imagine your narcissistic partner feels insecure in the relationship and employs passive-aggressive tactics to manipulate your emotions.

When you tell him you’re going to spend the evening with friends, he responds, “Oh, you’re going out with them again? I guess you really enjoy their company more than mine.” 

This makes you feel guilty and conflicted, even though your partner is completely unaware of his passive-aggressiveness. 

His actions reflect his unconscious efforts to control your emotions to maintain a sense of security in their relationship.

Whether intentional or subconscious, narcissistic manipulation is confusing and hurtful. It may be the product of intentional planning, or could be the result of their ingrained behavior patterns. 

In either case, the impact on those around them can be deeply damaging and emotionally distressing. 

Do They Know They Are Using You?

Narcissists may have some self-awareness but are not in tune with those around them. Remember, narcissists see other people as extensions of themselves rather than autonomous beings, so they believe they have every right to control and use them to achieve their goals. 

This brings us back to the narcissist’s understanding of right and wrong. They may know it’s wrong for someone to cheat on their partner, but they don’t believe it’s wrong for them because they’ve justified the behavior in their own minds. 

From their perspective, they’re not hurting you, you happened to be in the way, so accidentally got caught in the crossfire. 

Imagine you’re a soldier on the frontline, and you have a choice between shooting one of the enemy or being shot yourself. In this context, you won’t feel guilty about killing someone, as it was the only way to ensure your survival. 

Similarly, narcissists justify their manipulations by viewing them as necessary for survival, fulfillment, and validation.

This unique perspective allows narcissists to detach themselves from their actions’ consequences emotionally. Instead of seeing their targets as individuals with feelings, they view them more like obstacles in their path to getting what they want. 

This lack of empathy and inability to see things from another person’s point of view contributes to their manipulative behaviors. 

In this light, the narcissist’s actions are not perceived as morally wrong in their own internal narrative, and they may not even consider the possibility that they’re causing harm or pain. 

Do They Know They are Narcissists?

Most narcissists know they are narcissists, especially as they mature. Researchers at Washington University in St. Louis found that narcissists know they’re narcissists and are proud of the fact.

They also know other people think they’re narcissists but don’t care – they would rather be admired than liked. 

Researchers also believe that narcissists may downplay their behaviors to make them seem more acceptable. For instance, if you tell a narcissist they’re being arrogant, they might perceive it as a compliment, thinking you mean deservedly confident. 

Do They Consider Themselves Evil?

Narcissists think their actions are completely justified. Even though some narcissists intentionally hurt other people, they don’t necessarily see that behavior as wrong or evil. If you’ve ever wondered, “Do malignant narcissists know what they are doing?” The most accurate answer is both yes and no. 

From their perspective, they might acknowledge that their actions can cause harm, but they often justify their behavior based on their own needs, desires, and self-centered worldview. 

This lack of empathy and the conviction that their actions are warranted prevent them from considering themselves as doing something genuinely wrong or evil. 

Instead, they might rationalize their actions as necessary or even righteous within their distorted understanding of the world.

Can You Make Narcissists Understand What They are Doing?

You might be able to get a narcissist to develop some level of self-reflection about their behavior if you approach the situation correctly. 

As we’ve already established, most narcissists know they are narcissists but don’t necessarily see this as bad. They also know their behavior impacts you but can’t empathize with your emotions, so don’t really care. 

As a result, you might find it challenging to get a narcissist to understand what they’re doing, but if you’re determined, confident in yourself, and capable of sticking to your guns, the following approaches might help:

Ask Pertinent Questions 

When you witness a narcissist making unreasonable demands, call them out. Ask them, “Do you think that request is reasonable?” Or “How would you feel if I asked you to do that?” Hold a mirror in front of the narcissist and encourage them to look at their reflection and see themselves from your perspective. 

Don’t Blame the Person

Accusing a narcissist of being a narcissist sounds confrontational and may lead to them becoming defensive, so focus on specific examples of their behavior instead.

For example, instead of saying, “You’re such a narcissist,” you could say, “I noticed that during our conversation, you repeatedly interrupted and redirected the topic to yourself. I find such behavior narcissistic, and it makes me feel like you don’t value my thoughts or feelings.

This approach highlights the behavior while also expressing your feelings, making it more likely for the narcissist to engage in a constructive dialogue.

Use Humor 

Using humor can indirectly help a narcissist understand their behavior without triggering their defensiveness.

Let’s say you have a friend who consistently dominates conversations with their own stories. Instead of saying, “You’re always making conversations about you,” you could take a more humorous approach: ”You must be the world’s greatest storyteller; every conversation becomes a thrilling episode of ‘The Me Show’!”

This adds a playful twist to the situation and might make them pause to consider their behavior. It also reduces the likelihood of them feeling attacked or becoming defensive, creating a more open space for self-reflection.