Here’s a guide all victims of narcissistic abuse need. Emotionally detaching from a narcissist is no mean feat, and that’s why some brutal yet necessary advice has to be my job to hand to you today.
What will help you finally break free and what not to do to protect your sanity.
Cut the strings and reclaim your peace!
What you need to do
Orbiting the black hole of a narcissist’s personality is tough to pull away from, unless you know the kind of person that you’re dealing with.
Detaching from the pull they offer can feel so unnatural when all you see is a charming personality who wants to get to know you and everything about you.
This version of the narcissist doesn’t exist for very long, but because it’s such a powerful stage and the start of the abusive cycle, it’s one that all victims want to see time and time again, even after the mask has slipped.
It’s time to unplug the power cord, and disconnect altogether.
You can start this by calling them what they are: a narcissist.
Giving them the label they deserve usually leaves you in a place where you know what you’re dealing with, rather than hoping for them to be decent to you in the future.
Instead of allowing them to connect with you whenever they want, it’s time to see them as a force that can dictate how much you give them.
Whether that be cutting all contact, or even just a little of it, it will make a huge difference. Narcissists thrive on access, and if you’re preventing some of that, you’re preventing them from fully controlling you.
Most importantly, I would say controlling the narrative is what will help you detach emotionally.
The potential of a narcissist is always more alluring than the reality. Sure, they might seem like the kind of person who would make a great wife or husband.
But reality offers you a different perspective. It tells you that they constantly let you down, make you feel terrible about yourself, and leave you feeling never good enough.
Reclaiming your boundaries will give you the feeling that you are able to control how you respond to the narcissist, and how they respond to you.
And no, they won’t like it one little bit. They’re used to getting their own way with you, but the moment you hold up your ‘no’ sign, they will know their time is up.
Trust yourself to detach
It can sometimes feel easier said than done, can’t it? You want to be able to follow through with what you want for yourself, yet their charm and the memories of them being kind and passionate to you at the start keep flooding back.
The way they made you feel so special… you just can’t shake it.
Now’s the time to understand just how deceptive that treatment of you was.
To see them as only wanting to manipulate you into loving and attaching yourself to them will really help you feel pity toward them, rather than continue your quest to hope they will change and see you for the brilliant person you are.
They never will.
Do not….
This is the part where I need you to pay close attention, okay?
#1 Don’t react with emotion
Your emotions give the narcissist the same kind of fuel and energy as a big plate of their favorite food.
A smile won’t do, but your tears are the starter. Your pain is the main course, and your begging and pleading with them is dessert.
Soon enough, they are emotionally fulfilled by your misery. You overly justify your actions, but you are never given any real validation or appreciation for it.
My advice for you right now is to stop giving them the reactions they want. Starve them.
#2 Do. Not. Overshare!
When you overshare, you massively over offer yourself thoughts. The narcissist doesn’t just listen to your thoughts, they store them to use at a later time.
I once knew somebody who was buying a house with her partner for the first time, and she went to her narcissistic dad for advice on the process, disclaiming how much they had managed to save.
Soon enough, that figure floated around the family
Wow. Can you believe they had all that money all along.
I only helped them as I thought they were struggling.
£40k! Did you know?!
And for what? I mean, who really cares? The only person obsessed with money and unbothered by respecting the privacy of his daughter.
Keep it all to yourself. The less they know, the less they can meddle in.
#3 Don’t express yourself in front of them
You’re only lining yourself up for some kind of fall if you openly and freely express whatever you want to express.
And it can be something as simple as joy. Your favorite band released a new album.
The sun is out. You like the dress you’ve got on. You’re sad that the narcissist is quiet with you today. You want to do more as a couple.
Stop it all, and hold back.
You’re literally handing the narcissist they ammunition to shoot you down with, and you don’t even realize it.
You’re saying, “Hey, this is me today. How are you going to ruin it for me?” And gladly, they will dive right in and do the deed, and you will feel terrible.
But we all know by now, it doesn’t have to have this kind of outcome. In fact, you can go along with your day and do whatever you want and stop inadvertently asking them to throw some shade your way.
#4 Don’t defend yourself against things you didn’t do
When you overly defend yourself, especially against the things you didn’t do, you’re asking them this:
Please still love me. I can prove I didn’t do what made you mad.
You don’t have to prove yourself to anybody. If they aren’t taking your initial words as gospel, then you can be assured they’re just winding you up.
They know it works, because they’ve done it before multiple times.
Watching you try to dig your way out of a hole they’ve literally buried you in is so entertaining for the narcissist. Detach by refusing to play.
#5 They lie about everything
We know this to be true, but sometimes when you’re in the throes of a narcissistic relationship, it can be the one fact victims deny.
So I will say it loud and clear for everybody now:
Narcissists lie about everything.
Don’t try to defend their words or actions, because ultimately, they aren’t true.
When you accept this fully, you will find detaching a lot smoother.
#6 Don’t try to win the war of words
What’s the point? They yell, you yell, everybody is yelling.
They’re trying to blame you for something, you’re swearing blind that you didn’t do it and they lap up your desperation.
Why?
It’s pointless. Their war of words can feel like a gravitational pull, but refusing to join in will mean you’re the true winner.
Don’t try to win. Care less about pleasing them, and care more about pleasing yourself.
