What Really Happens When You Set Boundaries With A Narcissist?

Boundaries! Or as victims prefer to refer to them: barriers of guilt. This has got to stop.

Why should you feel guilty for applying some protection around you? Why is it a bad thing to question and actively implement what you will and won’t tolerate?

The reason a narcissist flocks to you like a bee to honey is because you give up your boundaries so easily. It means their job is all the more easier for them.

But when you set them and retain them? This is what happens…!

The time has come

Something happens when you shift from allowing the narcissist to walk all over you, to creating boundaries that prevent them from even getting close.

It’s like an inner sign that you need to do something to save what’s left of your well-being before you crumble altogether. 

It’s a time that a lot of victims of narcissistic abuse find quite tricky, namely because it involves you actually putting yourself first for once.

Boundaries are a way of keeping your own morals and values safe, without anybody trying to walk all over them, change them, or convince you that you’re a terrible person for having them in the first place. 

But you know you need them.

Boundaries are needed

When do you think boundaries might be needed with a narcissist?

From what I’ve learned during my time as a narc expect, I’d say these are when you need to remind the narcissist in your life that you have boundaries, and that they should be respected:

• When they try to get you to do something you don’t want to do.
• When they ask you to drop a belief in exchange for theirs.
• When they threaten or intimidate you.
• When you are made to lie for them.
• When you are given the silent treatment for no reason.
• When they’re trying to engage in conflict.
• When they want to talk about something you’re not willing to engage in at this point.

Boundaries need to be there. If they weren’t, you’d be giving up all you have and hold dear just for them to get their own way all the time.

Using your own morals to live your life

That’s what boundaries are, right? I mean, you here people talk about them all the time, and that word can become almost buzzy.

It has feelings of guilt or panic attached to it at the thought of being a little firm and strong because you use them based on what you won’t tolerate.

But we all have differing boundaries, because our morals vary. For example, one person may not appreciate conflict, whereas another may not have an issue being challenged and will bite back with catty remarks to hold their own. 

What you want from your life has to stem from your morals, and how much you value keeping them intact with boundaries.

Boundaries are a good thing

They have to be. And setting them with a narcissist means you don’t ever let what you want slip away at their toxic hands. 

Narcissists don’t appreciate your values because they don’t appreciate you. It doesn’t matter to them that you get hurt when they take advantage of you.

In fact, the entitlement behind walking all over you is almost automatic to them. Which is all the more reason you need them. 

Boundaries are terrible for the narcissist

Don’t expect them to like your boundaries. In fact, even just enduring them will prove tricky.

You have to remember that they get used to the dynamics they set up, and they are attracted to you because you give yourself up so easily. 

Boundaries? They change everything. 

They put you in charge. You’re in the driving seat, and that’s where your power starts to climb insurmountably. So if your power is climbing, the narcissist’s is on the decline. 

Bad news for them!

Types of boundaries you could have

If you continue to shout at me, I will end this conversation. 

I will not be spoken to like that. I’m leaving the room.

I do not do things that I don’t want to do.

My answer is no.

I don’t tolerate ill treatment.

Here are just a few boundaries you could have when dealing with a narcissist.

When you read them, what kinds of thoughts go through your mind? Maybe, “Oh my God. I could never imagine saying something so direct to them.”

Perhaps you might think, “Gosh. That’s going to take a slot of strength not just to say, but to implement and keep.”

You’re right. It does take strength. It takes a certain belief to think, “I need to do this because it’s for the best for me.”

To feel you’ve both earned and deserve it is also necessary to think, because both are true. 

Any boundary that makes your life better shouldn’t be given away just because you happen to marginally put the narcissist out in some way.

And that guilt I spoke of just before? Sit with it and understand that this emotion only exists because they’re so good at making you feel guilty on the average day. 

If you can adjust to boundaries being a good thing, you will soon be able to comfortably own your own without apology or remorse for how they respond to them.

What happens when you set boundaries with a narcissist?

Which leads me to the topic at hand!

Setting boundaries with a narcissist will initially feel so strange. You’re acting in a way that’s different, so that narcissist will inevitably do the same.

You might see them try to push back; something they’ve always done and gotten away with (until now). 

You may notice them start to get mad at you for not giving up as easily as you usually do. 

Lines such as, “Why would you say no? Don’t you know how much it means to me?”, or, “You used to be much nicer,” may flow from their mouths in an attempt to make you feel that guilt you dread feeling. 

The narcissist knows your weaknesses, and they will work to set them free as much as they can if it means they get what they want at the end of it. 

Sometimes narcissists do get mad at you for applying boundaries that you set in stone.

What happened to you? Why can’t you just give them an easy life? Why are you taking the control and power back all of a sudden? And as the narcissist gets really triggered: 

Why are you making me feel like I am losing control of a situation I’ve had control of for so long?

It’s not your fault they’re obsessed with the entitled view that they can say and do whatever they want.

That’s not how the world works, and your boundaries are an unpleasant reminder of that. Suddenly they go from walking all over you, to having to knock and ask first. 

When you say no, they won’t like it. They may eve discard you entirely, knowing that you’re no good to them any longer. 

That shouldn’t be why you give your boundaries up though, should it?