You’ll notice along your journey of healing from narcissistic abuse that the concept of forgiveness is raised a lot.
Let go of the pain. Forgive the past. Heal by shedding the weight of resentment.
These are all nice enough ideas, but when you forgive the narcissist, they will only see it as an open door for more abuse.
In fact, the second you say, “I forgive you,” the narcissist will try to take, take, take from you all over again.
You’ve come to the right place if you want to know how.
#1 When the narcissist wrongs you
I want to sit here and write, “It’s not often a narcissist wrongs you, so please let them off the hook. They are only human.”
I think you and I both know why I can’t write that. Because if I did, I would be lying.
The wrong people all the time, and they do so without a care in the world.
Their idea of a perfect day is seeing other people slump into misery and pain, while they relish in all the supply they’ve sapped from you.
The narcissist will wrong you, and they will do it so frequently that you will end up growing accustomed to it.
in a way, they’re already taking from you before you have even had a chane to see how wrong what they’re taking is.
That’s why topics like this are so important to get across to you all, and why I do what I do.
#2 How they wrong
This is a topic that can trigger victims, so go gently with this one.
We know a narcissist wrongs their victims, but how do they wrong them?
- They cheat, without conscience, care, or concern for you.
- They lie, I’d say the majority of the time.
- They steal. Everything from any spare change you may have lying around, to your own identity. They take your confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem and crumble whatever you have got left.
- They gaslight, making you feel like you’re going crazy.
- They ignore your needs, and only love you when it suits them, or when they want something in return.
- They abuse, knowing full well what they’re doing, and treat you like royalty in front of others so they don’t come under suspicion.
When a narcissist mistreats you in any way, they will create the illusion that they’re sorry.
And you will forgive them because you want to help them and show them that it’s okay to make mistakes.
#3 What the wrongful acts of a narcissist does to you
Over time, the more the narcissist does to hurt you, the less yourself you will become.
With each act, the narcissist pushes your boundaries further and further back into yourself until eventually, you have none at all.
That’s when you become the best source of supply to them; when you have nothing to defend your morals or limits with, and the narcissist gets to jump around as if they never even existed.
The wrong a narcissist does to you will lower your standards, not just with them, but everybody else you know, too.
You’ll want everybody else to be okay, and if that means you aren’t, then so be it.
#4 Forgiveness
People assume forgiveness is a good thing, and for the most part, it is.
It’s only then that you can easily see how much you’re being asked of, and how much you’re being taken for granted.
If a person is wronging you, and they know they’re doing it, your forgiveness acts as permission for them to do it all over again.
And remember, we’re talking about narcissists here, the kinds of people who won’t hesitate to stomp all over you with that same abuse time and time again.
It’s then that I feel forgiveness is as toxic as the act of wrongdoing. You get hurt, but learn that your forgiveness pleases the narcissist.
What you see is a happy narcissist, but how they got happy matters.
That happiness shouldn’t be because you are being abused and abused in ways you aren’t even seeing.
#5 When you say, “I forgive you”
It’s the kind of language the narcissist loves, and loves to understand.
When you say you forgive the narcissist, they hear:
- What you did was okay
- I see it, and I accept it
- This is how I want to be treated
- I just want a peaceful life
- If it makes you happy, then it makes me happy, too
These are the wrong thoughts to give any narcissist, so forgiving them needs to be based on what you accept as crossing the line, and that’s based on your self-worth.
Saying you forgive the narcissist turns every little thing they do wrong into something you permiss…
#6 Narcissists will take again
…and that is exactly why they will continue to take from you.
Oh, they won’t mind.
They already forgave me five times for this, another time won’t hurt.
I can do this and know I am forgiven already.
As it stands the narcissist will keep trying to take advantage the second you say you forgive them.
Advantage of the fact that you are able to see them as beautiful and The One, even if they insist on causing you so much pain and sorrow.
#7 The forgiveness cycle: rinse and repeat
I think this is the main issue with forgiveness: the amount of time it can take for a narcissist to establish a strong cycle of being able to get away with everything.
No time at all. Usually, the narcissist will throw in a few good days of behavior and treatment, love-bombing and affection alongside their request for forgiveness, and that’s where the cycle loops.
The victim sees the goodness, even slight repent, and says it’s okay. Why? Because together with the repent, there will be the version of them that you love.
You want to see it as often as you can, and so you do forgive.
But as you forgive, and with every act of forgiveness, you’re telling yourself to expect less. Be less. Be a doormat. Be taken advantage of.
The rinse and repeat only stands to serve one person, and I’m afraid that person isn’t you.
#8 Jumping out of that loop
It takes some courage, after all, you will see the nasty side of the narcissist when you say, “No. It’s not okay.
This is my boundary, and you crossed it and this is not okay with me.”
You’re telling them, “I’m strong, and your actions will not make me weaker.”
They hate it. It takes away their power, and shows them that you see their wrongdoing and will not accept an apology for it.
This is the best way to treat a narcissist from the start, as they will be keen to fully take advantage of your niceness.
Newsflash: You can still be a nice person while not taking s**t from peopl.e
