I love you can mean so many things. A gesture to a friend. A whisper to an elderly relative in their sick bed. A snuggle with your favorite pet on the couch.
It’s also a beautiful way to remind the person that you chose to be with, how much they mean to you.
For you and I, I love you encompasses so much, but for the narcissist, they’re just three words that are used as an ulterior motive.
But what could I love you really mean to the narcissist? What are they actually trying to say?
Love In A Nutshell
We all love, we all want love, and we all honor and cherish the love we feel for others.
Right?
When I say all, I am not including narcissists.
I could never!
Narcissists don’t know how to cherish anything but their own egos. For them, love is a weakness. Love is ridiculous. Love is pathetic.
But if they have to say it, there will usually be a reason why.
I hate that so many good people fall under the category of being underloved in their relationship.
Through the tricks and turns the narcissist lays out for them, this one is the worst. Those most deserving of love feel it the least.
So as the narcissist insists on creating a space of danger for the victim, they throw in purposeful moments of safety that the victim clings to.
One moment of safety is saying I love you.
So, Narcissists Are Good At Loving, Too?
Ooh – that depends.
For the narcissist, they’re good at loving material things.
Expensive cars.
Extravagant vacations.
Houses that are a lavish reflection on how much money they earn.
The kinds of sports you’d find the richest in the world watching or playing.
Love isn’t usually associated with people.
When they love, they love objects.
If a narcissist says they love you, they usually want to say one of several things.
“You’re Mine Now”
The first, and the most possessive, is you’re mine now.
If any narcissist is speaking about their feelings for you like this, it’s because they want to confirm to both themselves, and you, that you’re their property.
I know it doesn’t seem right (that’s why they won’t start by telling you that you’re theirs), but it’s how they feel they own you.
And trust me when I say that it’s only downhill from there…
“This is Love”
Love isn’t words.
While there is only one way to say I love you, there are a million ways to express that love.
Narcissists are not fans of expressing any kind of positive emotion (notice how they’re great at expressing rage and anger, though).
This being said, they hope the words I love you are enough to satisfy you.
For those with any history of abusive relationships, you’ll probably love hearing the words.
They come through so thickly that you will almost be grateful you’ve got something from the narcissist.
This is called breadcrumbing. A term used when somebody throws a little something your way when you’re used to having nothing at all.
Suddenly, those few breadcrumbs mean everything.
And this is a bar set very low by the narcissist, yet somehow seems bigger than the world for their victims.
“I Get To Call The Shots”
In an attempt to assert their power over you, they will whisper how much they love you as a reminder that their love comes with terms and conditions.
Those terms and conditions are very small print, and most people who fall into the trap of falling for a narcissist fail to read them all.
Narcissists are the payday loan sharks of the human race. Whatever you borrow, you will owe back a hundred times over.
And what can you do about it? Not much when you are head over heels, caught up in this trauma bond attachment they’ve created in the first ‘get to know you’ weeks of meeting.
It’s hard to believe that they don’t call the shots when the dynamics are built so quickly.
“I Want Intimacy”
When the mood takes the narcissist, they’re looking for intimacy with you. So what is the one thing they need to do in order to get it that little bit better, faster, and more intense?
They need to speak the language of the victim.
The language of the victim is the language of most good, emotionally healthy people in relationships.
This is to hear and say I love you regularly. The narcissist is uncomfortable with the concept of love, but what they will do is jump in and say it if it means they get to have their wicked way with you between the sheets.
This is about what the narcissist wants, and what they’re willing to do in order for that to happen.
Intimacy is their love language. They will manipulate yours to get their kicks.
“I Need a Favor”
How to butter up somebody you know will help you if you offer them a little verbal love.
And the person receiving those words?
Of course they want to hear it!
They become the best versions of themselves when the narcissist makes it clear that they love them.
But behold – what is this in the distance?
It is a favor I ask of thee!
And so the world of the victim comes crashing down just that little bit more, as they knew that I love you was loaded with the hope and anticipation that you will help them with something.
“Sure. I’ll Briefly Appease You”
You need to hear those three words?
Well, good news!
The narcissist is happy to hand them over just to get you off their back.
To the narcissist, you’re a clingy person looking for some affection.
It’s pretty annoying to them that the very basic need a person needs from time to time in a relationship is to be told that they’re loved.
It’s the whole point of being in a relationship, is it not?
If you’re being extra needy on a particular day or occasion, the narcissist will say what it takes so that you stop bothering them.
What they want to do is to be able to breathe, and they don’t feel they can do that with all your genuine, loving, caring words and actions coming their way.
They find it all so uncomfortable, and they just want you to stop so they can get on with their day.
Saying I love you is their best shot at getting you just to leave them alone.
So kind of them…. not.
