I love you can mean so many things. A gesture to a friend. A whisper to an elderly relative in their sick bed. A snuggle with your favorite pet on the couch.

It’s also a beautiful way to remind the person that you chose to be with, how much they mean to you.

For you and I, I love you encompasses so much, but for the narcissist, they’re just three words that are used as an ulterior motive.

But what could I love you really mean to the narcissist? What are they actually trying to say?

Love In A Nutshell

We all love, we all want love, and we all honor and cherish the love we feel for others. 

Right?

When I say all, I am not including narcissists.

I could never!

Narcissists don’t know how to cherish anything but their own egos. For them, love is a weakness. Love is ridiculous. Love is pathetic. 

But if they have to say it, there will usually be a reason why.

I hate that so many good people fall under the category of being underloved in their relationship.

Through the tricks and turns the narcissist lays out for them, this one is the worst. Those most deserving of love feel it the least. 

So as the narcissist insists on creating a space of danger for the victim, they throw in purposeful moments of safety that the victim clings to.

One moment of safety is saying I love you.

So, Narcissists Are Good At Loving, Too?

Ooh – that depends.

For the narcissist, they’re good at loving material things. 

Expensive cars.

Extravagant vacations.

Houses that are a lavish reflection on how much money they earn.

The kinds of sports you’d find the richest in the world watching or playing.

Love isn’t usually associated with people. 

When they love, they love objects. 

If a narcissist says they love you, they usually want to say one of several things. 

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“You’re Mine Now”

The first, and the most possessive, is you’re mine now.

If any narcissist is speaking about their feelings for you like this, it’s because they want to confirm to both themselves, and you, that you’re their property. 

I know it doesn’t seem right (that’s why they won’t start by telling you that you’re theirs), but it’s how they feel they own you. 

And trust me when I say that it’s only downhill from there…

“This is Love”

Love isn’t words. 

While there is only one way to say I love you, there are a million ways to express that love. 

Narcissists are not fans of expressing any kind of positive emotion (notice how they’re great at expressing rage and anger, though).

This being said, they hope the words I love you are enough to satisfy you. 

For those with any history of abusive relationships, you’ll probably love hearing the words.

They come through so thickly that you will almost be grateful you’ve got something from the narcissist. 

This is called breadcrumbing. A term used when somebody throws a little something your way when you’re used to having nothing at all.

Suddenly, those few breadcrumbs mean everything. 

And this is a bar set very low by the narcissist, yet somehow seems bigger than the world for their victims. 

“I Get To Call The Shots”

In an attempt to assert their power over you, they will whisper how much they love you as a reminder that their love comes with terms and conditions.

Those terms and conditions are very small print, and most people who fall into the trap of falling for a narcissist fail to read them all. 

Narcissists are the payday loan sharks of the human race. Whatever you borrow, you will owe back a hundred times over. 

And what can you do about it? Not much when you are head over heels, caught up in this trauma bond attachment they’ve created in the first ‘get to know you’ weeks of meeting. 

It’s hard to believe that they don’t call the shots when the dynamics are built so quickly. 

“I Want Intimacy”

When the mood takes the narcissist, they’re looking for intimacy with you. So what is the one thing they need to do in order to get it that little bit better, faster, and more intense?

They need to speak the language of the victim.

The language of the victim is the language of most good, emotionally healthy people in relationships.

This is to hear and say I love you regularly. The narcissist is uncomfortable with the concept of love, but what they will do is jump in and say it if it means they get to have their wicked way with you between the sheets.

This is about what the narcissist wants, and what they’re willing to do in order for that to happen. 

Intimacy is their love language. They will manipulate yours to get their kicks. 

“I Need a Favor”

How to butter up somebody you know will help you if you offer them a little verbal love.

And the person receiving those words?

Of course they want to hear it!

They become the best versions of themselves when the narcissist makes it clear that they love them. 

But behold – what is this in the distance? 

It is a favor I ask of thee!

And so the world of the victim comes crashing down just that little bit more, as they knew that I love you was loaded with the hope and anticipation that you will help them with something. 

“Sure. I’ll Briefly Appease You”

You need to hear those three words?

Well, good news!

The narcissist is happy to hand them over just to get you off their back.

To the narcissist, you’re a clingy person looking for some affection.

It’s pretty annoying to them that the very basic need a person needs from time to time in a relationship is to be told that they’re loved.

It’s the whole point of being in a relationship, is it not?

If you’re being extra needy on a particular day or occasion, the narcissist will say what it takes so that you stop bothering them.

What they want to do is to be able to breathe, and they don’t feel they can do that with all your genuine, loving, caring words and actions coming their way.

They find it all so uncomfortable, and they just want you to stop so they can get on with their day. 

Saying I love you is their best shot at getting you just to leave them alone.

So kind of them…. not.

Can a Narcissist Fall In Love?

Can a Narcissist fall in Love? Narcissists struggle to have romantic relationships for several reasons; one of them is because they do not know how to resolve conflicts.

It is normal for couples to have disagreements, but clinical worker Sharon Thomas states that narcissists believe they can do no wrong.

They are perfect, and if there are problems, the other person is to blame.

Unfortunately, narcissists cannot love their partner in the traditional sense; but as you will read, they do love their partners in their own way.

If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist for some time, you will know that at the beginning, they showered you with undivided attention, gifts, and compliments.

But as time went on, things drastically changed; they withdrew, and in some cases, narcissists can become abusive. 

Studies suggest that narcissists only engage in transactional relationships, which means unless they have something to gain, they won’t stay.

Whether it’s self-esteem, enthusiasm, or money, a narcissist will ensure they take everything they can and then move on to another relationship.

So whether you are falling in love with a narcissist, you are considering getting into a relationship with one, or you are concerned about the wellbeing of a friend or family member, you are interested in knowing the answer to the following question –

Can a Narcissist fall in love, and will a narcissist ever find true love? 

Will a Narcissist Ever Find True Love?

Can a narcissist feel love? Yes, they can, but because they don’t like feeling vulnerable, they self-sabotage to protect themselves.

The problem with narcissists is not that they don’t feel love. They don’t know how to show unconditional love.

When a narcissist decides to separate from their partner, they do so to recover from their wounds, and after a while, they return. 

A narcissist typically shows feelings of love at the beginning of a relationship when they are not so vulnerable.

This generally occurs during the love bomb stage (which I will discuss shortly).  During this phase, their partner usually idealizes them because they appear loving.

But once the cracks in the relationship start to show, the narcissist begins to feel inadequate and empty in the relationship.

These feelings become a boundary to developing a loving and intimate connection with their partner. 

How do Narcissistic Relationships differ from Normal Relationships?

Neuroscientist Rhonda Freeman studies narcissists and has come up with several conclusions regarding how a narcissist experiences love.

Narcissists are always chasing stimulation because their brains are hypersensitive to rewards.

The object of their desire activates their reward system and feel-good hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine are released in abundance. However, love is more than a feeling. 

When the average person stops to consider what love looks like, they will mention things like sensitivity, compassion, commitment, honesty, mutual support and authenticity.

Amongst others, these things are experienced when a bond has been established.

Freeman goes on to explain that once those initial feelings of infatuation wear off, the person in the relationship with the narcissist is now invested in the union and has formed an attachment. 

In a normal relationship, a deeper connection is formed between two people as it becomes apparent that their feelings are more than surface level.

However, the narcissist fails to attach at this stage and now starts blaming their partner for their boredom. 

In fear of their significant other discovering that they are not perfect, the narcissist will avoid emotional conversations.

They go to great lengths to protect their boasting, and it hurts them deeply when others don’t treat them as someone of significance.

Narcissists do not like to acknowledge their feelings; therefore, they protect themselves by finding ways to humiliate their partners. 

Can a Narcissist Fall in Love?

It appears that the narcissist is incapable of love because they cover their vulnerabilities by withholding emotional intimacy.

They attack or withdraw to deflect pain; narcissists don’t like to hear their partner being compassionate towards them because it makes them feel as if they are being judged.

Despite the mask they wear, their inner voice is constantly telling them they are unworthy, and when empathy is extended to them, it confirms this voice. 

What Does it Mean When a Narcissist Says I Love You?

If you are falling in love with a narcissist and asking yourself what does it mean when a narcissist says I love you?

The answer lies in their definition of love; a narcissist is capable of feeling love for you, but they are also capable of knowingly and intentionally causing you pain, and to those with a sound mind, this is not love. 

The Charming Narcissist

In the early stages of dating, narcissists shower their partners with an outpouring of love.

But according to Robert Johnson, this is a part of the transactional process. They are playing a game, and their main objection is to win.

The narcissists want the love and admiration of the person they are pursuing; and to do so, they use manipulation tactics that manifest in the form of promises of commitment, romance, flattery, generosity and expressions of love.

This process has been termed ‘love bombing’, and the prospect becomes overwhelmed with the level of attention they are receiving. 

It is uncommon to hear about the rewarding aspects of loving a narcissist; narcissists are often extremely charismatic and charming.

They have a magnetic pull that draws you to them and they can be incredibly seductive.

Narcissists are captivating and magnificent storytellers, they will weave in the history of events, mind-blowing statistics, and trivia quotes that have the listener sitting on the edge of their seats hanging on their every word.

When a narcissist decides that they want you, they will make you feel like the most precious person on earth.

Once you get trapped in their web of splendor, it is almost impossible not to fall in love with a narcissist.

People who have been in a relationship with a narcissist state that the highs are heavenly and the lows are hellish. 

How long do Narcissistic Relationships last?

In general, a relationship with a narcissist will not last longer than a few years.

Nevertheless, when they do decide to marry, it is because they have accepted the positive feelings they have developed towards their partner, even if they are based on shared interests and friendship.

But their romantic escapades will dwindle to nothing, and they will go to great lengths to avoid intimacy.

The narcissist will often become angry, critical, and cold; this is especially true when they are challenged or don’t get their way.

When they cater to their spouse’s needs, they are looking for something in return.

You will never make a narcissist happy unless you are willing to accept that they are right at all times. If not, they will quickly withdraw their love and you will become a victim of their rage. 

Understand the love the Narcissist is Capable to Give

When you stop trying to get the narcissist to love you through your lens; and understand that their perception of love will never be the same as yours, it will become much easier to have a relationship with a narcissist.

In response to the question, what does it mean when a narcissist says I love you?

In short, it means that you have effectively catered to their needs in a way that has brought them the utmost satisfaction. 

Are All Narcissists Abusive in a Relationship?

Narcissism is a term that has become synonymous with Narcissistic abuse; however, the condition is a lot more complex than implied by the prevailing image.

Contrary to popular belief, humans, in general, are narcissists because they think of themselves first.

Using the flight attendant example, when you board a plane, before take-off the flight attendant makes an announcement.

You are told to put your facemask on first before helping anyone else if the plane crashes. 

This is a natural state, as it is impossible to help anyone else when your needs are unmet.

Narcissism is closely linked with healthy self-regard and assertiveness.

However, when a person suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the individual’s ego becomes so inflated and their sense of entitlement so extreme that it negatively affects their daily life and the people they are surrounded by. 

Emotional Abuse

By definition, narcissists do not think about the needs of others and therefore, the potential for Narcissistic abuse is high.

They justify their behavior because they see themselves as superior beings.

It can be difficult to have a relationship with a narcissist because they do not consider the feelings of others; therefore, some might argue that this opens the door to emotional abuse. 

A narcissist’s behavior can decline into more obvious forms of abuse when certain risk factors are at play.

These include problems such as substance abuse and anger, which can erode the judgment and inhibitions that serve to regulate behavior.

Financial difficulties are an additional risk factor since the narcissist’s self-worth is derived from the false outward image, when their sense of self is threatened, it causes them to lash out. 

Therefore, it is more accurate not to label all narcissists as abusive, but to view their condition as existing on a spectrum.

They are extremely toxic at one end, and at the other, just overly self-absorbed. Although a narcissist’s selfishness has the potential to cause problems in a relationship, they are not always abusive. 

Can a Narcissist Learn to Love?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders documents that narcissists lack empathy, they are unwilling to identify or recognize the needs and feelings of others.

Studies conclude that structural abnormalities exist in the brain’s regions responsible for emotional empathy.

Therefore, their ability to express care and concern on an emotional level is significantly impaired.

On the other hand, they are capable of cognitive empathy, which is seeing things from someone else’s perspective.

But they are only motivated to do so if they will get something out of it. 

What is Love to the Narcissist?

If you want a narcissist to love you in the traditional sense, this is only possible if they acknowledge their condition and seek professional help. Some narcissists are willing to change, others are not.

With the help of a psychologist, narcissists can develop empathy and learn to know who they are on an emotional level.

The process involves learning to relinquish their addictive need to feel superior and accept support from others in a mutually emotional, caring, and fulfilling way. 

Can The Narcissist Change?

Can a Narcissist change their behavior? According to Psychologist Wendy Behary, three things are required for lasting and significant change to take place in the life of a narcissist:

1. Leverage: A narcissist must feel that they are in danger of losing something meaningful before they will decide to go into therapy. This is often the threat of losing their status, job, or partner. Once a narcissist is willing to expose their vulnerability, they are ready to change. 

1. A Good Therapist: When it comes to treating narcissism, a good therapist is difficult to find. For treatment to be effective, the therapist must be strong enough not to get drawn in by the narcissists charm, or the type of person who is easily triggered. They should be capable of setting boundaries and sticking to them.

1. A Therapeutic Approach: An example of a good therapeutic approach for narcissism is ‘schema therapy.’ The aim is to help narcissists to break free from harmful coping styles and self-defeating patterns that have developed from childhood so that they can reconnect with their core feelings. 

Essentially, to cure a narcissist, their brain needs rewiring; this is possible if they are willing to go through the process.

But it is only after a narcissist has been cured that they can learn to love their partner traditionally.

So, Can a Narcissist Fall in Love?

In response to the question, Can a narcissist fall in love, and will a narcissist ever find true love? The answer is yes; but as discussed, not in the traditional sense.

Despite some of the terrible things that narcissists say and do, they are human. They might hide their feelings, but they do have them and much of their behavior is often due to the traumatic pasts they have had.

If you are falling in love with a narcissist, the majority of people will tell you to run.

But if you feel strong enough to handle their split personality and their definition of real love, and you don’t feel as if you are being abused, you can make the relationship work. 

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