If narcissism were a tree, today, I want to dig up the roots and expose them.
I want to do this because narcissism isn’t just what you see and experience, it’s a personality disorder that has somehow become real in a person.
But what causes it? Can it just appear? Is it a random collection of toxic traits that can manifest within somebody’s character?
There is certainly more than one explanation, that’s for sure.
Digging Deep
Like many issues, you will never really know the whys unless you dig for them. Roots are hidden, unexposed yet responsible for what you see above ground.
That’s exactly what we’re doing today. When you see that narcissist, what you don’t see is the why.
PS. Don’t tell them we’re digging. We don’t want them to have the upper hand, do we?
#1 Neglect in Childhood
Somebody didn’t give them the love they needed as a child.
This kind of neglect can really play on a person in all the wrong ways. Lack of love over time can build into lack of self-esteem as well as self-worth. Imagine the lasting effects that can have on a person.
No support.
Minimal to no nurturing.
Where does a kid turn? They develop a deep need to be admired and validated by pretty much anybody who will give it.
It’s sad for the kid at the time, and nobody deserves to be neglected.
But what grows and is able to be established, is that narcissistic personality.
Their childhood has a huge void in that they feel they can only fill with everything external. This is because they don’t feel they can fill it themselves with things like self-love and vulnerability. They learned those traits were bad.
And yes – now you suffer because of that.
#2 …..Childhood “Overlove”
Excessive praise from parents can over-inflate an ego early on in life.
The opposite of point one, right? Kids who are taught that they never do anything wrong, that they’re the best at whatever they do, being praised all the time:
Totally spoiled.
By not having to earn praise, it becomes an expected part of childhood.
Tell me I am fantastic all of the time just because you can.
It doesn’t seem right, and the proof is in the outcome.
If you’re going to tell a child this, they’re going to believe it no matter the situation.
They soon learn to want the attention, expect it, and demand it.
Make way for narcissism!
#3 Pressure From Parents
Too much pressure to achieve can give birth to narcissistic traits.
I don’t care what it may be:
Appearance.
School results.
Achievement.
Hobbies.
Sports.
Status.
If you push your child to extreme and to constantly strive to be successful, you’re creating the perfect atmosphere for narcissism to grow.
This is because children will see that the only way they can please other people is in the pursuit of perfection.
That need to be perfect will run into adulthood, making it more problematic for people like you or I, who have to be around these people.
#4 Trauma or Abuse in Early Life
Narcissism can be viewed to be a defense mechanism. That can be caused by early trauma or abuse in early childhood.
If a child goes through a traumatic or abusive time in childhood, developing narcissistic traits can be due to the desire to defend themselves.
Think about it this way: trauma takes away a person’s security. So they’re going to either lose themselves in it or create a defense so strong that nobody ever gets to their most closed-off memories.
Access to such would – in their eyes – leave them wide open for trauma all over again.
Narcissists say, no thank you to that!
#5 It’s In The Genes
I won’t argue with research here.
Genetics may play a role in how a narcissistic personality develops.
If there is a family history of it, one can be more likely to pass on their traits to another.
I don’t want to say this is the case for all, or even most, but it’s not impossible to pass on those negative characteristics.
#6 Attachment Style Insecure
Whether unhealthy or insecure, certain attachment styles can be a narcissism contributor.
Think about anything unstable in childhood, and the effect that can have on a child. These early years are crucial, and how you bond with your child matters.
Without secure attachment, the child is going to view the world very differently to you or I.
This builds the potential for narcissism to be a defense mechanism as they fear abandonment, feel inadequate, and certainly lack trust in others.
What protects a person from pain?
Projection.
#7 Influence in Culture
Living in a situation, be it culture or society, where a person’s individuality or achievements are celebrated to the point of developing narcissistic traits.
Mindsets can change when all a person sees is how to pursue your desires, or elevate your successes to the sky.
Where self-promotion becomes the norm, as well as the pressure to stand out from everybody else often lies a strong streak of narcissism.
#8 Parental Care… Where?
Without proper care, a child will grow to feel everybody else is unreliable, you will leave a child feeling insecure and uncertain of themselves, and the wider world.
One minute that care isn’t there, and the next will be a strong push for pressure and success.
This change in expectations can lead a person to need to pile on that high opinion of themselves to carry them through the more challenging days.
And that unpredictability will also biome what the narcissist sees as normal, bringing that to every relationship they encounter.
#9 Conflicts Without Resolution
Deep insecurities create unresolved emotional conflicts – and vice versa.
It all has to start somewhere, right?
Suppose you grow up thinking its normal to witness or be a part of conflict without resolution.
In that case, you’re far more likely to try to make up for the discomfort by exerting over-inflated superiority.
It doesn’t matter, I haven’t got time for this!
I’m far too important to get caught up in this web of crap!
It all comes from actually not being able to resolve. And that begins in childhood.
#10 Personality Inclination
Narcissism can develop if certain personality traits blend and boil to the right environmental factors.
Certain traits or temperaments will push a person to become more narcissistic.
It’s where you bring in how a child is raised, genetics if appropriate, qualities that already exist within the child – and see a narcissistic outcome.
That predisposition can and will be a red flag for a person’s susceptibility to become a narcissist in later life.
What Happens When Narcissists Realize You Are on to Them?
Okay, I‘m going to warn you right from the very start…
If you are ever onto a narcissist:
They will show you a side of them even YOU would never have dreamed of seeing.
I hope you’re ready for that, because let me just say, things are going to get interesting.
You’ll see it all, but luckily, you cannot unsee anything once you start seeing it.
That mask has been well and truly on for all this time, and suddenly, as it slips, you begin to wake up…
…What happens now?
I’ve got the answers for you, right here.
The Thing to Know About Narcissists…
Narcissists are so far removed from reality that you being onto them alone won’t be enough.
They won’t gather your suspicions and run with them because they’re so in their own head that they will fail to notice.
What really gets the narcissists attention is when you change. People do this after they’ve seen the narcissist’s true colors.
They start to act differently and they also treat the narcissist differently too.
What used to be a people pleaser has turned into a guarded, stronger character, and narcissists hate that.
They cannot stand somebody offering them a different version of themselves they’re used to.
You might present:
- In a way that stands your ground. You won’t budge just because the narcissist has demanded you do.
- You no longer do what they say. You won’t if they want you to stop talking to that person. It’s not up to them, after all.
- Your reality becomes clearer. All the times they have tricked you into confusion are now in the past.
- You begin to see the bigger picture opening up before you. All the abuse becomes clear.
When Narcissists Know You See Through Them
Narcissists will know you see through them as soon as you stop giving them what they need.
Remember, they crave everything good in you, but they steal it from you. Once taken, they will never return it, just continue to sap it from you.
Realizing you are not a maple tree, you awaken, and everything changes.
I mean everything.
You’re finally putting yourself in harm’s way no more, and the narcissist becomes frustrated.
The difference now is that they are no longer able to use the usual tricks to get a response from you.
The techniques they once had up their sleeve are going to be deemed useless if the person receiving them has their eyes wide open.
The frustration for them will become very real, very quickly
Caught in the Act: What Now For You?
When a narcissist realizes you’re onto them, it’s as if you’ve caught them in the act. You begin to understand that all the ways they would abuse or belittle you were nothing to do with you.
It was everything to do with them.
What does this mean for you?
It means you get your freedom back. It means you get to pull back the control they’ve taken from you over time.
What could be more liberating than knowing you have released yourself from this painted belief that you’re the problem?
It will be a great time for you to get to the other side of the abuse, and start to piece the puzzle together.
The narcissist won’t enjoy it – but hey – it’s not about them anymore!
How Narcissists Respond to Being Uncovered
Narcissists are initially so frustrated when you blow their cover. Realizing you’ve changed is never going to work for them, because they can’t undo what you’ve learned.
The narcissist will find it impossible to claw back the submissive person who did as they were told, and acted in a way that kept them in control.
Their mind will start to spin out as they watch you:
- Figure out their lies
- Understand their deceit
- Realize the extent they were gaslighted
- Watch them closely, making them undoubtedly uncomfortable
- Work on making your own self stronger again
Where the narcissist was once able to move people around and play them like a game of chess, the dynamics change completely.
All it takes to break the dynamics is one person figuring them out. It’s like pulling one card from a house of cards, and seeing it all fall down.
You are that card, and you have pulled yourself out of the equation.
Now comes the consequences.
How Narcissists Handle Being Found Out
It’s natural for a narcissist to feel on guard when they’re found out. They notice and sense the change, and they are now wondering how to make it all ‘normal’ for them again.
How they handle you finding out is quite interesting.
Anger
The narcissist is angry that now you are unreachable. You’ve checked out, and you’re nothing but disengaged to their tactics.
It’s like you were once a fire that has now burned out. No matter how many times they poke you, you’re not going to start up again.
This enrages them.
Denial
If you were to start speaking up about what you realize, you’d probably have a little fun watching them deny any wrongdoing and potentially even turn it around on you.
Narcissists deny through sheer panic. They don’t want to be found out, and they don’t want you to ruin the perfect image they’ve spent years building.
Narcissists deny when they have nowhere else to go. If you are showing them a version of themselves that’s far from ideal – they don’t want to see it. Even if it’s true, they don’t want to face seeing the ‘real’ them.
That’s the person they can’t stand.
Discard
So … Here it comes ….
The discard. You’re no good to them anymore. They don’t want you around. You’re useless.
Your supply has dried up. You know the real them. They can’t fool or trick you into believing their lies.
Your yesterday’s news, so any relationship is going to now be no relationship.
Once they’re through with you, the next aim is to find the next ‘you.’
Revenge
Sometimes, yes, the narcissist sees you as somebody who needs a little calculated revenge thrown their way.
For all the times you have rattled their cage and questioned their games – you now get the treatment.
The smear campaign.
It is not above the narcissist’s station to tell people what a troublemaker you are. How good you are at lying and the untrue rumors you spread about them.
The narcissist will be believed because they’re so good and manipulating situations in their favor.
You should consider it your punishment for daring to be onto the narcissist!
Are Narcissists Evil?
When you encounter a narcissist, your first thought isn’t going to be how evil they are.
Why would it be?
They’re charming. They’re attentive. They call you and want to see you. They promise you all kinds of crazy things.
The bait develops into a bite, and suddenly they’re reeling you in.
But… When does the evil show? Does it even exist?
In your own experience, can you tell me if you know any narcissists who are truly evil?
I hear you!
First Off…
Alright. I want you for a second to think about any of the narcissists you’ve previously encountered.
Get a clear image of them in your head (bleurgh…), and ask yourself:
Was this person ever nice?
You’ll answer yes. Because they were.
Over time and very gradually, narcissists move like tectonic plates around new people. They move so slowly, you don’t even feel like the ground below you is even moving.
You feel safe, secure, and loved. You’re happy, they pay you lots of compliments, and their absolutely encapsulating nature blindsides you.
Narcissistic Earthquake
Suddenly, the ground starts rumbling. You stop what you’re doing, confused at how unsteady everything below you feels.
You thought you were safe.
Now there are cracks in your foundation, and weaknesses in your structure.
The narcissist earthquake strikes.
Bad behavior.
Belittling.
Gaslighting.
Triangulation.
You feel isolated from loved ones.
Your confidence is plummeting.
Your self-esteem erases entirely.
It begins.
We rarely have time to ask that one important question in the midst of such a change to our previously steady worlds.
Am I in the presence of evil?
How Could Anybody Be So…
Right.
Well, it’s hard to imagine anybody having the ability to be so underhand: sly, crooked, unkind, egoistical, self-centered, dismissive, fragile.
When a narcissist is all of those things plus so much more, you can equate them to having a really evil undertone.
The conscience they don’t have when they manipulate you or others.
The way they enjoy creating and watching conflict unfold while maintaining it’s “nothing to do with them” cannot be anything short of such a thing.
Narcissists Look For A Certain Someone
Narcissists know who they are looking for. They don’t zone in on strong, self-assured characters they know they can’t break. Also people they avoid are the ones who know narcissism (perhaps those who have had that experience and can spot them).
They’re looking for a soft target. Somebody with the potential to forgive a thousand times. A person who always sees the good in others. An empathic soul, who can give the narcissist what they need.
Themselves.
Have you ever asked yourself, “Why does the narcissist only utilize their control and power over certain people?”
It’s because they know what they’re looking for. They have a list of criteria you must meet for them to feel you can provide something for them.
The Pick and Choose
When people come to me for advice about narcissists, they often say, “But they aren’t like this in front of anybody else.”
What I need you to understand about abusers is – they pick and choose their moods.
If a person can be overly, sickly sweet, nice to somebody in public, and then leave that event with you a different person – something’s up.
Underneath that swift change, there is intent—intent to appear nice to everybody else but to put all their toxicity into being alone with you. If a person is in control of that, they are in control of what they’re doing.
So much so, in fact, that it becomes nothing but a game to them. A way to use everyone they know as pawn pieces in their huge life game of chess.
How Can Destruction Not Be Evil?
Narcissists are known to pull entire families apart, simply because they can. They can seek out the scapegoat, ensure they’re isolated, and turn everybody else against them in a sheer act of toxic defiance.
They lose zero sleep at night worrying about you and how it has affected your mental wellbeing.
They wake up each morning, not quite knowing what will happen, but strong in their knowledge they will handle it.
Even Their Kids?!
Painfully, yes.
I personally cannot look at the children in my family without thinking about how precious they are, and how much they mean to us all.
I wouldn’t want any harm to come to them. Healthy families don’t. They love, cherish, teach, forgive, and nurture. Healthy parenting looks like encouraging growth and the ability to inspire.
Money = Love
Narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves. They control in the same way they would anybody else. They love money and material objects. They neglect without warning, and chop and change their moods to suit themselves.
They ignite anxiety and uncertainty in their children, as young as you can imagine.
Narcissistic parents will walk all over their children to maintain their own innocence, and they don’t care how much they hurt them in the process.
In fact, if their child dares to speak up and say, “The things you say and do hurt my feelings,” they will be hung out to dry.
Ask yourself this…
I want to leave you with an open-ended question that I hope can go some way to help you understand the true evil nature of a narcissist.
How has the narcissist changed your life?
I ask this as a way to get you to think about all the ways their evil nature has trickled into areas of your life you didn’t think were possible.
Maybe they stopped you from getting that job.
Maybe they poke fun at the clothes you wear.
Are they behind the reason you no longer see that family member, or friend?
Have you become less confident since you’ve known them?
Do they make you feel nervous or on edge when you’re near them?
Are they the cause of much conflict?
True evil rarely comes at you so overtly. If it did, you’d hold your hands up and say, “Hey! Not today!” We don’t do this initially with a narcissist because they come at us with their cycle of abuse.
The love bombing.
The smiles and fake promises that we cling to.
Why? Because we’ve no reason to believe they are bad at all. We see the good.
Narcissists take root before you’ve even realized they’re narcissists. They grow slowly and, over time, begin to take over your entire character. They’re hard to get rid of, and the task can often feel overwhelming.
They’re dangerously evil.
They’re human Japanese Knotweed.
