As it transpires, narcissists are incredible at manipulating so much, in as many ways as they can.
But how many of you have heard of DARVO? I would hazard a guess that only a small fraction of you would raise your hands at this point.
DARVO isn’t talked about enough. If it were, there would be far many more people clued up to what you have to go through, and what the narcissist enjoys most about playing around with your emotions.
Good job we’re covering it today then, isn’t it?
Victim? More like villain
I’ll begin this whole topic by shining a light on the narcissist and showing you just how much of a victim they think they are.
This is all the time, by the way. If you think you can point the finger at a narcissist and blame them for something, you’ve got another thing coming. More than that, they will definitely be two steps ahead of you, so they’ll make it hard for you to even do it.
What you see is a person acting very well. The villain plays the victim to those who enjoy watching the show, but who have no idea who the main character is behind closed doors.
You do.
That’s the whole point of them being able to successfully manipulate you, and it sucks.
So, who’s the real victim? Well, that would be you. But I don’t want you to sit in that forever, because you deserve to thrive away from this chaos eventually.
Before then, you remain the victim in the narcissistic cycle of abuse, and the manipulation tactic used to keep you there is known as DARVO.
What is DARVO?
Deny. The narcissist will deny any wrongdoing. They don’t care that you have evidence, they just want to deny they played a single part in it.
Attack. What are you talking about? Why are you so intent on giving me a bad day? Why do you always do this? Be prepared for the insults to hurtle toward you.
Reverse Victim and Offender. You cannot be serious if you think you’re the victim in all of this. The narcissist is the real victim and you are the offender. In fact, you’d better be ready for their sob story, because they have a brilliant one.
There you have it, in as simple a term as I can describe it.
It’s not great to know that you always come out as the bad guy, is it? Especially when this is a real manipulation tactic to throw you to the wolves.
DARVO and narcissistic abuse
You can see why DARVO and narcissistic abuse walk hand in hand. Manipulation is the narcissist’s middle name, so it makes perfect sense that this is their number one manipulation tactic!
If there’s one thing these people all have in common, it’s the innate ability to be the victim in any situation, even if that situation is evidently their own doing.
The tears, the surprise when you go crashing down on them with assumptions and accusations.
Within minutes, it can be you apologizing, promising never to do it again, begging for forgiveness while they cry and tell you how horrible you are.
It’s the reason they use DARVO as their go-to, and why you need to be aware of it as a trick they will eventually pull on you.
Examples of DARVO in action
I am literally scraping the tip of the iceberg here, but hopefully it’s enough to pen your eyes.
Romantic Relationships
When you accuse the narcissist of cheating, they turn to you and call you paranoid.
They tell you that you’re being abusive, and that you’re intimidating them. Never mind the fact that you happen to be right!
In Families
When you call out toxic behaviors within your family, you’re accused of trying to break the family apart.
Any reason why people have fallen out is down to you and your troublemaking.
The Workplace
You’re labelled difficult or unstable if you report inappropriate behavior of the narcissist.
You’re also one to avoid, and you won’t be getting that promotion, either because you can’t be trusted.
The psychological impact on victims
I don’t suppose the feeling of being trapped by lies is going to appeal to you, is it?
When you have to go through what you go through, only for you to look like the one who is to blame for everything, there’s no happy ending I can possibly offer you.
The only happy ending would be if you walked out the door and left them.
I know that’s easier said than done, but it’s either that or your name being constantly put out there negatively.
If that’s the case, you’ll be suffering more than you’re currently aware of.
Over time, that leads to a real change in your mental and even physical health.
Depression, anxiety, low self esteem, no confidence, questioning your reality; all because the narcissist is feeding you manipulative lies.
Bystanders fall for this!
It drives me crazy that so many people just believe what the narcissist says.
When you have it on paper though, all they see is one side of the huge story.
You want to yell what the rest of that story is, but it’s no use. It only makes you look even more crazy.
You have to find the strength to believe that your thoughts and opinions are enough.
You are enough.
Spotting DARVO in the moment
Spotting DARVO in the moment requires you being able to open your eyes – and keep them open.
This involves being aware of, and admitting that there are red flags that you just can’t afford to miss.
Red flags to look for include:
- Immediate deflection or denial. If you spot them pushing away accountability or the chance to be honest with you, you’re in for real trouble.
- Counterattacks instead of listening. Having somebody to listen, is the kind of connection you want with somebody. If you notice behavior that goes beyond your boundaries of acceptance, it’s time to speak up. Everybody has the right to defend themselves, but attacking you instead of listening to what you have to say is a way of pushing it all back on you. It never solves a thing.
- Sudden accusations against the victim. What’s going on here? Why are there accusations flying suddenly? It’s so you can get the blame, while they stand back and allow it all to happen. Yes, even if you’re innocent!
- Playing the martyr or misunderstood party. It’s a party nobody wants an invite to, am I right? And it’s draining.
Shield yourself
I know it might seem easier said than done, but you can control how you feel about this kind of game play.
Noting the warning signs ill allow you a little control into how you respond in the day to day. Think of things like:
- Documenting incidents, trust your experience.
- Not engaging in their script.
- Speaking to a therapist or trusted friend who understands narcissistic abuse.
- DARVO thrives in emotional chaos, so reduce access where possible and try to move on with your life.
