You’re tired of feeling disrespected by the narcissist in your life, and you’ve realized that arguing back and forth isn’t working.
You might decide to ignore the narcissist because you want to establish boundaries in your relationship.
Or you may just feel so frustrated by their behavior that you need time to regroup with your thoughts.
In some cases, ignoring a narcissist can be a great idea, especially if you hold firm with your limits. Other times, it causes even more drama and agony. This article will dive into everything you need to know.
Key Points you will learn from this article:
Narcissists don’t react well to being ignored and often try to punish the person ignoring them.
Ignoring a narcissist may result in them trying to get your attention through various means, including apologizing and begging for forgiveness or smearing you to others.
If you want a narcissist to go away, you must ignore them consistently and permanently, or they will likely try to hoover you back into their life.
9 Things That Happen When You Ignore a Narcissist
First things first- a narcissist doesn’t react well to being ignored. They absolutely hate it.
Narcissists thrive on validation and attention from others. It’s how they feel powerful.
Being ignored has the opposite effect. When someone isn’t stroking their ego or fulfilling their narcissistic supply, they tend to feel threatened and insecure.
Ignoring, in many ways, represents a serious personal attack. To a narcissist, this represents a form of punishment, and they will often try to punish you back in the following ways:
#1 They Will Keep Trying to Get Your Attention
Some narcissists just react to being ignored by pretending it isn’t happening. They will keep talking or texting you as if everything is exactly the same.
This is, of course, an incredibly frustrating form of gaslighting. For example, you’re actively trying not to be on speaking terms, and they’re acting like everything is going just well!
This might feel confusing, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that the narcissist is just being naive.
Acting oblivious is just another way narcissists try to manipulate others into believing they are the true victims.
#2 They Will Apologize and Beg For Forgiveness
If you’ve never ignored the narcissist before, don’t be surprised if they suddenly begin groveling for your forgiveness once they realize you really aren’t talking to them.
This is the time a narcissist is most likely to try to win you over with grandiose promises. They’ll offer to go to therapy. They’ll tell you they’re finally ready for marriage or children. They’ll promise to never act this way again.
Remember that these types of apologies or promises aren’t made out of genuine guilt.
While it’s true that some narcissists feel some remorse, they’re far more interested in self-preservation and maintaining their usual status quo.
Narcissists don’t change overnight, and they know how to manipulate people to get what they want. And what they want is power and control. If they need to apologize and beg for that, that’s exactly what they will do.
#3 They Will Try to Make You Even More Angry
Negative attention beats no attention at all, so some narcissists will react to being ignored by doubling down on their petty behavior. They want to give you something to complain about.
If you’re upset about a certain action of theirs, they’ll increase how often they do it.
For example, if you felt mad that they carelessly spent so much money at the bar last weekend, they’ll double the amount next weekend.
#4 They Will Feign a Crisis
Suddenly their mom is in the hospital. Or they suspect their dog has cancer. Or their boss has called them in for a last-minute meeting and they’re probably getting fired.
Emergencies absolutely happen, but pay attention to the timing. Narcissists play close attention to other people’s vulnerabilities. In addition, most of them tend to attract people with heightened empathy levels.
And so, if they sense you’ve pulled away, they might pull this seemingly innocent response,
Hey, I know you’re not speaking to me right now, and I totally get that, but I just wanted to let you know I’m in the hospital. I was having chest pains all last night, and they don’t really know what’s going on. Getting some tests now.
Generally speaking, these messages will sound just vague enough to pique your attention. However, they won’t contain excessive details because a real emergency probably isn’t happening!
#5 They Will Try to Make You Jealous
In a similar vein to trying to make you angry, some narcissists will also try to make you jealous when you ignore them.
For example, they might pretend to be unfazed by your actions. Then, they will go out that night, get very drunk and post a bunch of suspicious pictures of them having fun with strangers.
The hope is that you’ll see what they’re doing and feel jealous about it.
#6 They Will Smear You
Many narcissists engage in smearing to reassign blame and even make themselves look like the victims. They want to protect their own narrative about what happened.
And so, they’ll try to convince your friends, family members, neighbors (basically anyone who will give them the time of day) how terrible you were to them. They may use some version of the truth, but they might also lie outright.
Smearing, of course, can be devastating, and some of the ramifications can be permanent. You can’t prevent the narcissist from doing it, so it’s very important to reassess who you trust in life.
When you’re involved with a narcissist, it’s always a good idea to be careful of what you share with mutual friends. You never know how the narcissist might try to influence them.
#7 They Will Threaten You
If a narcissist senses that you’re really pulling away, they might try to exploit your weaknesses.
They’ll threaten to hurt you in some way, whether that’s threatening to drag you down in court (if you’re married) or take your kids away from you.
In more serious cases, they may also threaten to hurt themselves or end their lives. The goal here is all about making you feel guilty. They want you to come back to them, and they don’t want you to have anything “over” them.
#8 They Will Reach Out to Others
Narcissists often respond to being ignored by approaching the other people in your life. They may call your friends and family members to express their concern about your well-being.
When this happens, they’ll either downplay or avoid sharing about their malicious part in the dynamic and solely focus on you.
For example, they might call your mom and say something like,
I’m just so worried about her. She’s not talking to me right now, but I think it’s because her drinking has gotten so bad again. I just want to help, but I can’t help her if she won’t let me in. It truly breaks my heart.
They hope that your loved ones will contact you, which will make you feel guilty or compelled to respond to them again.
#9 They Will Ignore You Back
Many narcissists respond to ignoring by ignoring back. They don’t want to be seen as needy or emotional, so they’ll focus their efforts elsewhere.
It’s very common for narcissists to cheat on their partners during periods of ignoring. It’s a way they can seemingly prove to you (and to themselves) that they don’t need the relationship.
If you want to read more about this, I suggest you read my article about why Narcissists ignore you.
What Happens When You Ignore a Narcissist Text?
Ignoring a narcissist’s text can be just as effective as ignoring them in real life. Texting provides narcissists with even more opportunities to be conniving or abusive.
Then, they can deny their intention by simply claiming you’re “reading too much into things.”
Here are some ways a narcissist might react to being ignored over text:
Rage
I know what you’re doing. You’re acting like such a ____.
How dare you ignore me!
What do you think your problem is?
If a narcissist senses their texts are being ignored, they might react in a fit of narcissistic rage.
Remember that narcissists like to control the narrative at all times. If someone else has the power (even if it’s very brief), they can’t tolerate the discomfort.
Ignoring a Narcissist can really Piss them off…
Anxiety
Hey, are you ok? Haven’t heard from you?
What’s going on?
It’s me. Can you call me?
Narcissists can also respond anxiously when they notice you’re ignoring their texts. This may be more common in cases of vulnerable narcissism, a type of narcissism that’s far more covert in nature.
These types of narcissists often present as shy or insecure, but underneath that demeanor is a high-level of self-absorption, smugness, passive-aggressive behavior, and an inability to accept feedback.
The anxiety emerges due to fear. The narcissist fundamentally knows something is wrong, and they want to quickly smooth things over to avoid you being “on” to them.
Obsessiveness
Obsessiveness is an even more dramatic form of anxiety. This can look like sending you dozens of text messages in a row.
It can also look like showing up at your front door because they were “so worried” they hadn’t heard from you in a few days.
Obsessiveness can quickly spiral into stalking behavior, and narcissists will rationalize it under the guise that they care so much about you.
If you sense that a narcissist might be stalking you, it’s very important to seek support. Stand your ground and do not talk to them again.
If you’re trying to end the relationship, block and delete them from your email and all social media accounts.
Desperation
Look, I’m really sorry for what I said last night!
Babe, please text me back. I love you.
Let’s just talk about this, ok? We can work this out.
Desperation is a more subtle form of anxiety. The narcissist tries to use guilt-induced tactics to convince you that they made a mistake and they feel remorseful about it.
Even if they know the desperation might come across as pathetic, they’re willing to pull this angle if they believe it will work.
How do you recognize a text from a Narcissist? See my article about 11 typical examples of Narcissist text messages.
FAQ
Will a Narcissist Go Away if You Ignore Them?
It depends.
At first, they probably won’t take you ignoring them very seriously. This is especially true if you’re in the early stages of a relationship. It’s also true if you’ve tried ignoring them in the past, only to go back to talking very quickly.
Keep in mind that narcissists often change their tactics in response to being ignored. They always want to keep other people on their toes. Mixing things up makes them unpredictable, and they thrive on others feeling nervous around them.
If you really want the narcissist to go away, you have to ignore them indefinitely. You have to end all contact with them- or go as low-contact as possible.
They can and will move on if you can consistently and permanently take that approach. Once they can’t get anything from you, they’ll look for a new person to fulfill their narcissistic supply.
That doesn’t mean they won’t still try to hoover you back into their life, but the intensity of their actions will likely die down.
Want to know more? 15 Hoovering Examples used by the Narcissist
What Does the Silent Treatment Do to a Narcissist?
Silent treatment is an intentional form of ignoring. You’re literally not talking to them, even if they’re talking directly to you.
Silent treatment enrages a narcissist. They have no problem ignoring others, but when someone gives them a taste of their own medicine, they become infuriated.
You can expect any combination of narcissistic rage, false apologies, dramatic gestures, and smearing campaigns.
Why Is It Better to Not Respond to a Narcissist?
Narcissists often view basic interactions as transactional, so even their closest relationships are all about what they can “get” from the other person.
Although a narcissist might think they truly love someone, their love is disillusioned by their own false self and ego. They fall in love with the projected fantasy of who someone else can be.
Unfortunately, reality can never quite match this fantasy. Even though you may have felt incredibly loved at the beginning of your relationship, narcissists move through predictable stages in their relationships.
They start with love bombing, but the devaluing phase begins once they realize that someone else isn’t perfect. Soon, you’ll find yourself caught in the vicious narcissistic cycle of abuse.
If you want to avoid this heartache, letting go of the relationship is probably your best bet.
What Happens When Narcissists Realize You Are on to Them?
Okay, I‘m going to warn you right from the very start…
If you are ever onto a narcissist:
They will show you a side of them even YOU would never have dreamed of seeing.
I hope you’re ready for that, because let me just say, things are going to get interesting.
You’ll see it all, but luckily, you cannot unsee anything once you start seeing it.
That mask has been well and truly on for all this time, and suddenly, as it slips, you begin to wake up…
…What happens now?
I’ve got the answers for you, right here.
The Thing to Know About Narcissists…
Narcissists are so far removed from reality that you being onto them alone won’t be enough.
They won’t gather your suspicions and run with them because they’re so in their own head that they will fail to notice.
What really gets the narcissists attention is when you change. People do this after they’ve seen the narcissist’s true colors.
They start to act differently and they also treat the narcissist differently too.
What used to be a people pleaser has turned into a guarded, stronger character, and narcissists hate that.
They cannot stand somebody offering them a different version of themselves they’re used to.
You might present:
- In a way that stands your ground. You won’t budge just because the narcissist has demanded you do.
- You no longer do what they say. You won’t if they want you to stop talking to that person. It’s not up to them, after all.
- Your reality becomes clearer. All the times they have tricked you into confusion are now in the past.
- You begin to see the bigger picture opening up before you. All the abuse becomes clear.
When Narcissists Know You See Through Them
Narcissists will know you see through them as soon as you stop giving them what they need.
Remember, they crave everything good in you, but they steal it from you. Once taken, they will never return it, just continue to sap it from you.
Realizing you are not a maple tree, you awaken, and everything changes.
I mean everything.
You’re finally putting yourself in harm’s way no more, and the narcissist becomes frustrated.
The difference now is that they are no longer able to use the usual tricks to get a response from you.
The techniques they once had up their sleeve are going to be deemed useless if the person receiving them has their eyes wide open.
The frustration for them will become very real, very quickly
Caught in the Act: What Now For You?
When a narcissist realizes you’re onto them, it’s as if you’ve caught them in the act. You begin to understand that all the ways they would abuse or belittle you were nothing to do with you.
It was everything to do with them.
What does this mean for you?
It means you get your freedom back. It means you get to pull back the control they’ve taken from you over time.
What could be more liberating than knowing you have released yourself from this painted belief that you’re the problem?
It will be a great time for you to get to the other side of the abuse, and start to piece the puzzle together.
The narcissist won’t enjoy it – but hey – it’s not about them anymore!
How Narcissists Respond to Being Uncovered
Narcissists are initially so frustrated when you blow their cover. Realizing you’ve changed is never going to work for them, because they can’t undo what you’ve learned.
The narcissist will find it impossible to claw back the submissive person who did as they were told, and acted in a way that kept them in control.
Their mind will start to spin out as they watch you:
- Figure out their lies
- Understand their deceit
- Realize the extent they were gaslighted
- Watch them closely, making them undoubtedly uncomfortable
- Work on making your own self stronger again
Where the narcissist was once able to move people around and play them like a game of chess, the dynamics change completely.
All it takes to break the dynamics is one person figuring them out. It’s like pulling one card from a house of cards, and seeing it all fall down.
You are that card, and you have pulled yourself out of the equation.
Now comes the consequences.
How Narcissists Handle Being Found Out
It’s natural for a narcissist to feel on guard when they’re found out. They notice and sense the change, and they are now wondering how to make it all ‘normal’ for them again.
How they handle you finding out is quite interesting.
Anger
The narcissist is angry that now you are unreachable. You’ve checked out, and you’re nothing but disengaged to their tactics.
It’s like you were once a fire that has now burned out. No matter how many times they poke you, you’re not going to start up again.
This enrages them.
Denial
If you were to start speaking up about what you realize, you’d probably have a little fun watching them deny any wrongdoing and potentially even turn it around on you.
Narcissists deny through sheer panic. They don’t want to be found out, and they don’t want you to ruin the perfect image they’ve spent years building.
Narcissists deny when they have nowhere else to go. If you are showing them a version of themselves that’s far from ideal – they don’t want to see it. Even if it’s true, they don’t want to face seeing the ‘real’ them.
That’s the person they can’t stand.
Discard
So … Here it comes ….
The discard. You’re no good to them anymore. They don’t want you around. You’re useless.
Your supply has dried up. You know the real them. They can’t fool or trick you into believing their lies.
Your yesterday’s news, so any relationship is going to now be no relationship.
Once they’re through with you, the next aim is to find the next ‘you.’
Revenge
Sometimes, yes, the narcissist sees you as somebody who needs a little calculated revenge thrown their way.
For all the times you have rattled their cage and questioned their games – you now get the treatment.
The smear campaign.
It is not above the narcissist’s station to tell people what a troublemaker you are. How good you are at lying and the untrue rumors you spread about them.
The narcissist will be believed because they’re so good and manipulating situations in their favor.
You should consider it your punishment for daring to be onto the narcissist!
Are Narcissists Evil?
When you encounter a narcissist, your first thought isn’t going to be how evil they are.
Why would it be?
They’re charming. They’re attentive. They call you and want to see you. They promise you all kinds of crazy things.
The bait develops into a bite, and suddenly they’re reeling you in.
But… When does the evil show? Does it even exist?
In your own experience, can you tell me if you know any narcissists who are truly evil?
I hear you!
First Off…
Alright. I want you for a second to think about any of the narcissists you’ve previously encountered.
Get a clear image of them in your head (bleurgh…), and ask yourself:
Was this person ever nice?
You’ll answer yes. Because they were.
Over time and very gradually, narcissists move like tectonic plates around new people. They move so slowly, you don’t even feel like the ground below you is even moving.
You feel safe, secure, and loved. You’re happy, they pay you lots of compliments, and their absolutely encapsulating nature blindsides you.
Narcissistic Earthquake
Suddenly, the ground starts rumbling. You stop what you’re doing, confused at how unsteady everything below you feels.
You thought you were safe.
Now there are cracks in your foundation, and weaknesses in your structure.
The narcissist earthquake strikes.
Bad behavior.
Belittling.
Gaslighting.
Triangulation.
You feel isolated from loved ones.
Your confidence is plummeting.
Your self-esteem erases entirely.
It begins.
We rarely have time to ask that one important question in the midst of such a change to our previously steady worlds.
Am I in the presence of evil?
How Could Anybody Be So…
Right.
Well, it’s hard to imagine anybody having the ability to be so underhand: sly, crooked, unkind, egoistical, self-centered, dismissive, fragile.
When a narcissist is all of those things plus so much more, you can equate them to having a really evil undertone.
The conscience they don’t have when they manipulate you or others.
The way they enjoy creating and watching conflict unfold while maintaining it’s “nothing to do with them” cannot be anything short of such a thing.
Narcissists Look For A Certain Someone
Narcissists know who they are looking for. They don’t zone in on strong, self-assured characters they know they can’t break. Also people they avoid are the ones who know narcissism (perhaps those who have had that experience and can spot them).
They’re looking for a soft target. Somebody with the potential to forgive a thousand times. A person who always sees the good in others. An empathic soul, who can give the narcissist what they need.
Themselves.
Have you ever asked yourself, “Why does the narcissist only utilize their control and power over certain people?”
It’s because they know what they’re looking for. They have a list of criteria you must meet for them to feel you can provide something for them.
The Pick and Choose
When people come to me for advice about narcissists, they often say, “But they aren’t like this in front of anybody else.”
What I need you to understand about abusers is – they pick and choose their moods.
If a person can be overly, sickly sweet, nice to somebody in public, and then leave that event with you a different person – something’s up.
Underneath that swift change, there is intent—intent to appear nice to everybody else but to put all their toxicity into being alone with you. If a person is in control of that, they are in control of what they’re doing.
So much so, in fact, that it becomes nothing but a game to them. A way to use everyone they know as pawn pieces in their huge life game of chess.
How Can Destruction Not Be Evil?
Narcissists are known to pull entire families apart, simply because they can. They can seek out the scapegoat, ensure they’re isolated, and turn everybody else against them in a sheer act of toxic defiance.
They lose zero sleep at night worrying about you and how it has affected your mental wellbeing.
They wake up each morning, not quite knowing what will happen, but strong in their knowledge they will handle it.
Even Their Kids?!
Painfully, yes.
I personally cannot look at the children in my family without thinking about how precious they are, and how much they mean to us all.
I wouldn’t want any harm to come to them. Healthy families don’t. They love, cherish, teach, forgive, and nurture. Healthy parenting looks like encouraging growth and the ability to inspire.
Money = Love
Narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves. They control in the same way they would anybody else. They love money and material objects. They neglect without warning, and chop and change their moods to suit themselves.
They ignite anxiety and uncertainty in their children, as young as you can imagine.
Narcissistic parents will walk all over their children to maintain their own innocence, and they don’t care how much they hurt them in the process.
In fact, if their child dares to speak up and say, “The things you say and do hurt my feelings,” they will be hung out to dry.
Ask yourself this…
I want to leave you with an open-ended question that I hope can go some way to help you understand the true evil nature of a narcissist.
How has the narcissist changed your life?
I ask this as a way to get you to think about all the ways their evil nature has trickled into areas of your life you didn’t think were possible.
Maybe they stopped you from getting that job.
Maybe they poke fun at the clothes you wear.
Are they behind the reason you no longer see that family member, or friend?
Have you become less confident since you’ve known them?
Do they make you feel nervous or on edge when you’re near them?
Are they the cause of much conflict?
True evil rarely comes at you so overtly. If it did, you’d hold your hands up and say, “Hey! Not today!” We don’t do this initially with a narcissist because they come at us with their cycle of abuse.
The love bombing.
The smiles and fake promises that we cling to.
Why? Because we’ve no reason to believe they are bad at all. We see the good.
Narcissists take root before you’ve even realized they’re narcissists. They grow slowly and, over time, begin to take over your entire character. They’re hard to get rid of, and the task can often feel overwhelming.
They’re dangerously evil.
They’re human Japanese Knotweed.