A while back, you met a narcissist. You thought they were everything you could possibly want and more, but that was right where the odd behavior kicked in.
The lying, the cheating, the criticism, and all the ways they tell you that you do everything wrong. It’s soul destroying.
Before they met you, though, there is a backstory. It’s the kind of backstory you’ll never hear about because the narcissist will never be honest with you, but their past contains a sadness that I am here to tell you about.
And it will explain everything about how they treat you presently.
1 They didn’t just become a narcissist
Narcissism isn’t gendered at birth – it’s not boy, girl, or narcissist. When you’re born, you’re a baby, just like every other baby.
It’s only through growing up, expectations, some genetics, and environment that determines the outcome of a character, and I think that’s really important to remember here.
You are dealing with a person who has had a life before they met you, and if they’re a parent, the same applies.
Before you came along, there were experiences, moments, that all add up to the person they’ve become. Narcissism tends to be a product of a messy recipe of certain ingredients, but what does that really mean?
2 Digging up the toxic roots
If you really want to go back to the beginning, it’s going to involve going right back to the roots.
This is where all problems begin, and where you will discover things about the narcissist you will never have guessed. I’m going to go all out right now, and dig them up for you.
The first root is how they were treated as a kid. Did they get away with everything, and were never held accountable for actions or behaviors?
Were they forced perfection upon them, being asked to give their all or not to even bother at all? Was there neglect involved? Are they living a life of resentment due to ill treatment?
Narcissism comes from all of the above, and the longer a person is left to build that toxic character, the more destructive they will become.
If you are a child who bullies and manipulates, you’re going to think you can also get away with those things as an adult, too. The entitlement will feel real, and it will hurt absolutely anybody who walks their path.
Roots are where the rest of the poisonous, narcissistic plant were formed. It grows and spreads, and leeches onto every aspect of your life.
3 What happened to them?
The narcissist will never tell you what happened to them before they met you. If they do, it will never be the authentic version, just the version they want you to feel sorry for.
I had such a hard life. I had an abusive ex. I tried everything I could to be nice, but it was never enough.
Any comment to make them appear as the victim, and they will pass it onto you like you are running a relay race with them.
I’ll give you the alternate version – the one that’s actually worth listening to.
Yes, they had a tough life. That part is true. The honesty behind my telling of that, is that the narcissist is hurting because of it, hurting far more than they will ever admit.
Their life before you met was laden with embarrassment, or not feeling like they were good enough. There’s no doubt their pride will have been dented, and they will have learned quickly how to pretend. This performance was the person you saw when you first met them.
Hurt people hurt people, so narcissist’s will go through their lives remembering how they’ve been treated, and it will be passed on and on and on until somebody says, “This isn’t how I want to be treated.”
4 Their past has nothing to do with you
While you weren’t present for the narcissist’s life before they met you, it’s you who will suffer the consequences.
Whether they were ill-treated, or raised as a person who was never taught right from wrong, or how to even treat people respectfully, a narcissist was still created.
The narcissist’s past has nothing to do with you, yet here you are, feeling pain from how they present, and the ways they talk to you, treat you, and expect you to show up for them.
Nothing is worse than watching somebody you feel so attached to be this way. You’ll never get the truth from them either, as they continue to be the way they are, and you never really being told their backstory.
5 Bringing their mess to your life
That’s how toxicity spreads, right? When a person is unaware of there even being an issue, or refusing to fix a trait within themselves that is hurting others, that trait will walk alongside them in life, and will make messes along the way.
Your life gets ruined by them, you have kids, and the likelihood of further problems appear.
You may once have been fine with yourself, learning to get by and being confident enough for your goals to turn to reality. Then the narcissist meets you, and they all die.
It’s because the narcissist doesn’t know how to be happy for anybody else. There isn’t a strand of encouragement in their blood, so if you have things you want to achieve, you’re never going to see them develop all the while you have someone next to you being your real life critic.
Entitled people demand respect and loyalty. They want the world to revolve around them, and if you don’t comply, you aren’t allowed in their circle. Their mess becomes everything you, too, have to deal with.
Their narcissism doesn’t start from meeting you, it begins when they were first dealt the hand of ego, and weren’t taught to be anything other than a humiliating, manipulative game player.
6 Being their victim
Right now, it might be you. It will be you for as long as you allow it, and while you may not discover the narcissist’s past via them, I can guarantee you, it won’t have been a conventional upbringing.
There will have been a child once, who:
- Tolerated neglectful parents * Needed to be perfect in everything, or they didn’t matter. * Was allowed to get away with treating people like crap, with no punishment, and maybe even praise for it. * Was taught that the only way to receive love, was to chase it.
These kinds of approaches in early life will have a profound effect on people, and it can go one of two ways.
You will promise you don’t want to be like that, working hard to heal even though it hurts, or you can cover up the pain with ego and entitlement. That’s the difference between a person who is self-aware, and a narcissist.
Everything that they’ve done to you comes from their pain deep inside them; wounds that they refuse to acknowledge or heal, and so the narcissist plants it on you, too, so you hurt alongside them.
