They say the act of forgiveness is an act we should all take up for our inner peace and healing.
But there is a fine line between forgiving a mistake somebody made, and forgiving continued abuse from a person who knows exactly what they’re doing.
That type of forgiveness can be a real challenge.
Forgiving a narcissist can be expensive for those who have struggled at the hands of one, both emotionally and literally speaking. Here is what it can really cost you.
#1 Hurting you: at a cost
Entering into any kind of relationship with a narcissist will never end well.
That can mean any loving relationship, as well as a friendship. You think you’ve met somebody full of charisma and kindness, who really wants to get to know you and spend time with you.
Then you learn the hard truth: the narcissist never really wanted an authentic connection between you, and they prove that through how they treat you.
I don’t say that lightly. I know what being treated by a narcissist looks and feels like, and it isn’t pleasant.
It usually gives them lots of opportunities to hurt you, and I know the natural response from people is to forgive, pat them on the back, and tell them everything is okay.
Forgiving a narcissist can cost you down to your last dollar, but this topic will shine a light on exactly what that means, in the hope you can see what giving up those mental and physical dollars can really do for your own wellbeing.
#2 No sense of conscience
I wish narcissists came with terms and conditions. If they did, they’d be:
- Must be aware of the feelings of others
- Must always use emotions in a regulated manner
- Must always have a conscience, and know wrong from right
Think of how many people would suffer less if these terms and conditions were real?!
Sadly, they aren’t, and that disappoints me. Especially the last point, as forgiving a narcissist over and over again means they obviously lack the ability to to feel bad for the wrong they do.
It can make you feel so alone knowing you’re nodding and smiling, knowing everything is okay if you just tell them so.
But that doesn’t mean everything is okay, it just means they get away with more and more and more, until their ego is so big that they feel they can do whatever they want with no consequences.
Remember – to have a conscience means you must know right from wrong, and narcissists don’t.
They think they do, but if they really did, they wouldn’t treat you like trash.
The lack of terms and conditions proves that you’re dealing with the kind of person who creates their own rules, leaving you forced to follow them and comply, or leave.
If you were to do the same, could you imagine the uproar? If the tables turned, and you demanded forgiveness no matter what you did wrong, you’d be laughed at and left.
#3 Time ticks by
I think the more time passes with a narcissist ,the less normal the relationship will be, but the more normal it will appear to be.
That’s because narcissistic abuse is so slow and covert that it can take years for somebody to realize that there is actual abuse occurring.
As time ticks by, you fall into the trap as the victim, of being subjected to all manner of wrongdoing.
You don’t see it, it just happens.
Until one day, you wake up and say, “I don’t recognize anything about my life.”
#4 Forgiveness in a nutshell
Forgiveness is sold so widely these days.
Let go and forgive them.
Release the resentment from your body.
Learn to say, “I forgive you.”
Help yourself over the feeling of anger.
Let yourself be free to heal.
Forgive and forget.
I cringe a little at a lot of the messages sent out by so-called professionals, but hear me out a little.
I can see in some circumstances why forgiveness works, but it must involve the remorse of one party, alongside the promise that what you’re forgiving is never put upon you again.
#5 Costing you: the literal dollar
When money crops into things, forgiving the narcissist can come at a literal cost to you.
From loaning them money you know you will never see again but telling them it’s okay and that you don’t need it, to entering therapy, forgiveness adds up.
When you forgive a narcissist and allow them to remain in your life, you’re giving them more and more reason to abuse you. Whatever that may look like, from:
- The yelling
- The totalling your car
- Never filling it up with gas
- Running your bills so high
- Trying to buy whatever you need in order to look or be right in their eyes
You are doing yourself a disservice, and treating yourself exactly the same way as the narcissist treats you.
It costs money to stay well, money that you wouldn’t spend if you didn’t have them cluttering up your mental, physical and emotional space.
#6 Costing you: the emotional dollar
And now for the emotional dollar: what you wake up with in your life battery pack.
People who aren’t surrounded by narcissists will be waking up on a full battery, after sleeping well and peacefully.
The emotional dollar rate of those who are involved with a narcissist is much weaker, and you will wake up with little to no energy.
Forgiving a narcissist will do that to you,because you are sacrificing so much of yourself in order to make them happy.
You’re telling them that it’s okay to treat you poorly, because you will just forgive them anyway.
The emotional dollar is worth more than any literal dollar to you, and it’s much harder to earn and keep all the while you’re around toxic people.
That’s why it’s important to maintain good health and understand that forgiving them repeatedly stands to not serve you in any way at all.
#7 How to keep some finances for you
Whatever finances they might look like you have to keep some for yourself. In fact, as much as possible.
Here’s how you do it:
- Think about what you are forgiving, and ask yourself, “Am I forgiving the act, or the person?” If it is the person, ask yourself why. Love shouldn’t be enough to keep a liar in your life.
- Remind yourself of your morals. If it helps, imagine your child, or if you had a child who was treated that way. What advice would you give them?
- Take care of yourself more, and notice when your mental health starts to dip. Nip the decline in the bud, and use it as a chance to make self-improvements that keep you well, not walked over.
When you can start to appreciate what forgiveness does to you day in, day out, you might just see that what it’s costing you is far more than you should be willing to give away, be it figuratively or literally.
Forgive yourself more, and the narcissist less.
