Words hold great meaning when they are backed up with action, don’t they?
If they aren’t, they remain words. And words are just a string of sounds put together that anybody can say.
Narcissists do apologize. I know some people may say they never do – but in actual fact – apologies do come.
The question is, what does it mean when they say they’re sorry?
I mean, you understand the words, but why? What do they really want?
Say What?!
Stop the news. Hold the front page. All bets are off.
Why?
The narcissist has apologized.
No sooner have the words fallen out of their mouths, that you step back, eyebrows raised, wondering what the heck is going on.
You’re confused, and you have every right to be.
They said something that is usually so hard to extract, it’s damn near impossible.
No, they don’t apologize just like that.
So … What’s up?
There are always going to be covert reasons as to why they say sorry, and none of them are going to serve your own best interests.
Taking Responsibility?!
If you think a narcissist is apologizing because they’re finally seeing the light and taking an ounce of responsibility somewhere in their life – you’re wrong. It’s not what you want to hear, I grant you. It’s in fact really disrespectful to glaze over potentially very serious issues with words that carry no meaning to them.
I truly am sorry to break it to you, but narcissists don’t roll with any authenticity. They aren’t about conscience, and they aren’t about groveling. There’s never any depth to their apologies. They never dig and learn and understand.
They never admit to making a mistake.
They most definitely aren’t about handing over the control to you so willingly.
What Does It Mean To Hear, “I’m Sorry” From The Narcissist?
Narcissists saying sorry always comes with a catch…
And yeah, you are always the one who suffers from it.
#1 They Want to Get Off the Hook
Getting off the hook is a quick and easy way of wanting to be seen as innocent. If they see you preventing them from walking their path of self-righteousness with this bee in your bonnet, they’ll do what it takes.
Sorry, okay? Can I go now? Can we move on?
It’s an urgency. It’s not an actual reflective look at their bad behavior toward you.
#2 The Non-Apology
This one really grates my garlic.
I mean it.
I hear it so much. And you know what? I still wonder why people buy it as a reasonable apology, because it’s far from it.
I’m sorry you feel that way.
I’m sorry you’re angry.
I’m sorry if you think I am being rude.
What these words or ‘gestures’ do is – in a very calculating manner – fail to address anything the narcissist has actually done. The apology is how sorry they are about how you feel, not how sorry they are that they created or caused that feeling.
They aren’t saying sorry for what they did, therefore they lack accountability.
As usual…
So yes, what you then start to look at is how invalidating a non-apology is. How it’s another chance for the narcissist to gaslight you into feeling bad about how you feel. It seems more like an inconvenience to them, rather than a moment they can reflect healthily upon.
It’s like they’re saying to you, “You shouldn’t feel that way, and I am not happy about it.”
And no, that’s clearly something you don’t need to bear the weight of.
#3 Lack of Authenticity
Isn’t it horrible when you see a narcissist say sorry but you know they don’t mean it?
They’re very good at saying the words, of course. They can say it with such gumption that you are almost taken aback.
But then what? I mean, I know from personal experience that seeing this kind of apology is never backed up with an ounce of self-reflection. They don’t look at what they’re apologizing for and really understand how it hurt you.
They don’t strive to do better next time. Apologies are not a lesson learned, they’re simply words that they think you want to hear so everything can go back to normal again…
…And so they can pretend what they did wrong never existed.
If they can acknowledge your feelings, they will be able to commit to changing. Narcissists don’t live in that world. They don’t even want to buy a ticket. They think they’re perfect, and they think an, “I’m sorry” is going to cut it without any subsequent work.
#4 You Think, “Wow, You’re Changing!”
Narcissists love to say sorry when they want you to believe they’re changing for the better. It gives them a little more time, you see, and they can’t wait to watch you react to that.
I am so sorry. I promise I will do better.
I promise I’ll change.
This is a big mistake. Falling into this trap means it’s going to open future doors of similarity. Whenever the narcissist makes a mistake or hurts your feelings, they are going to think they can get away with anything and everything.
Based on what?
Based on the premise that “they’re doing their best, and they’re trying to be better.”
#5 Wanting Life Back to Normal
Quick! Let’s sweep what I did wrong under the carpet so we can just get on with the day and pretend like nothing happened!
Wouldn’t that be great!
Everybody just ignores me, lets me do what I do, and then acts as though we are all fine!
Wow. Is it really that easy in their eyes?
Well – yes. That’s how they think. That’s what they expect.
#6 Cover The Cracks
Oops, look at all this mess. I know just what will cover this. I will say sorry and it will work like a cheap plaster over a huge, deep crack.
A narcissist could have written that – and it’s exactly what they love to think.
They see a problem, and they want to pacify it. How do they do that? Well, they will use your sadness as the catalyst for them appearing to save the say with an apology.
What they actually want is to just cover up what they did wrong.
Nobody suspects!
Everybody just gets on with their day!
Nothing to see here!
Avoiding the attention that comes with a non-apology, the narcissist is able to move past real issues without taking accountability for any of it. It can be so damaging when there are people they hurt left, right, and center who find it difficult to move past their wrongdoing.
