There are certain points in your relationship that will confirm whether or not you’re dating a narcissist.
If you were to break down, throwing all of your vulnerabilities out there, would your partner catch them, and you? Would they reassure you, encourage you, listen and validate you?
If the answer is yes, congratulations, you’ve got a truly caring partner. If the answer is no, then you’re dealing with a narcissist.
To make it even clearer, I want to show you exactly what narcissists do during those moments you really need a shoulder to cry on. I hope you’re ready.
1 It’s all become too much for you
Life gets tough enough, and that doesn’t even have to involve narcissists. Pressures hit, jobs change, finances shift, people get sick.
Part of what can help you through these tough times is knowing that you have somebody next to you that you can trust and know will support you.
It makes all the difference to know that if you’re falling down, they will be there to catch you until you’re strong enough to stand up again.
When it all gets too much, and the rug feels as though it’s being pulled from under you, that’s when we tend to look around us, wondering who we have in our corner.
2 The moment you break down
It usually happens after a long and dark build up, doesn’t it? Breakdowns don’t just happen; they are the result of many unfortunate events that you learned to keep to yourself.
Like all victims of narcissistic abuse, keeping what bothers or affects us to ourselves is how we cope.
We become programmed to believe that our problems don’t matter, or that we are being too needy by asking for support, or an ear to listen.
You keep it all in, but that kind of approach only works for so long before it feels as though you’re going to burst.
Breakdowns are consequences of life becoming too heavy, and the weight no longer being sustainable enough to carry.
And so you don’t. You drop it all along with yourself as you fall to the floor unable to cope any longer.
Your chest feels as if there’s locked access to your air supply that you don’t have a key for, and your mind feels ready to explode. And the tears? They fall, and they don’t stop.
3 At your lowest, you’re invisible
Being at this point can feel like a rock bottom that you never thought you’d ever have to visit.
You know, that in itself is very telling as to the type of person you’ve partnered with.
A caring partner would always be there, for any bad day, moment or event. If that had been something you had, then maybe everything that’s causing you to fall apart wouldn’t have tacked up as much as it has.
At your lowest, you really are still invisible to the narcissist. In fact, it can be so bad that as you fall down in a sobbing heap on the floor, you’re almost seen as an inconvenience.
You’re blocking the doorway. They can’t get to the coffee machine. You’re making an unnecessary scene.
As you enter your lowest point in your life, the narcissist in your life tuts, rolls their eyes, or just stands there waiting for you to pick yourself up again.
4 Why the narcissist refuses to soothe you
What’s in it for them? I’m not asking you because I am thinking like a narcissist, I’m asking you on behalf of them.
What do they get out of comforting you? When you’re broken into pieces on the floor, unable to even get a shot of air in your lungs through your tears, what good do you think the narcissist will be?
I’ll let you into a secret. A narcissist has no idea how to act during times like this. And it isn’t even that this is the case yet they still try. Your pain is an annoyance to them. They can’t understand what it’s like to go through a breakdown. It’s:
Just get on with things. Life goes on. It’s just the way it is sometimes. I have to get on and pick myself up. What good is all of this? You’re just making it worse for yourself.
Your tears are an inconvenience. You are keeping them from demanding time from you, and no narcissist will like that.
These are the kinds of people who were raised to either accept and expect attention all of the time, or who had to fight for it, and are carrying that resentment now in the form of entitlement.
Either way, you’re not going to get the version of them you want when you need it the most.
This doesn’t have to be your life, though. In fact, it isn’t that way for a lot of people who are in healthy relationships with a caring partner.
Let’s go there for a moment, just to compare.
5 The caring partner? They would…
The caring partner. The loving, appreciative person you choose to be with, and who chooses to be with you, too. Isn’t it a wonderful feeling when two people with the same morals and values meet and build a life together?
Breaking down in front of somebody who genuinely cares about you looks like:
- The world stopping for them while they comfort you * Listening to you as you pour your pain out * Being a source of protection, hugging or holding you so that you can temporarily lose yourself in their arms * Helping you figure out which steps to take after you have broken down * Encouraging you to always be yourself, and validating every emotion as you express them * Letting you know that you are safe * Being consistent with all of this, whenever you need it, and not just when it suits them
Sounds like a contrast, doesn’t it?
6 You’re missing out on more than just comfort
With a narcissistic partner, you’re missing out on more than just comfort when you need it.
With a healthy partner, the likelihood of you breaking down is also decreased, as you spend the day to day with somebody who cares, which you won’t get in a toxic dynamic.
This is down to knowing that you’re with somebody who evidently has your back, rather than falling down and feeling alone all of the time.
This becomes big, and impactful. Victims of narcissistic abuse can feel as though there’s something fundamentally wrong with them, especially when they see other people’s caring partners show love and affection toward them.
It’s nothing that you’re doing wrong. You didn’t create the character of the narcissist. Instead, you met and fell for the wrong person, believing that their charm was authentic.
Missing out on a loving partnership can almost make a survivor of abuse feel a heavy grief that they carry with them.
They feel they’ve missed out on so much, and all the potential of meeting somebody good for them disappears, but I will say, it’s never too late to find a caring partner.
Not with our whole life ahead of you.
