Narcissists make for great entertainment, but there’s nothing fun or pleasurable about witnessing one hurt your child.
This is the kind of pain that hits like nothing else, and that’s just not talked about enough.
Today, all of that changes. I want to shine a spotlight on the cruel ways children can be affected by narcissism, and how those ways present.
Maybe you were that child, or maybe your own child has been through it.
Either way, this one’s for you.
#1 Nobody can prepare you
Nobody expects to see their child change over time, and when they do, questions start to be asked.
Why is my child withdrawing?
Why are they becoming more and more anxious?
You see a fear in their eyes that you can’t trace the roots to, and it hurts. Quite rightly, too. It hurts to see your child go through something that ignites tension, or confusion.
There isn’t a manual, though. Not for any of it. You can’t go through a checklist that ticks off, “This is what narcissistic abuse looks like, and how people can react to it.”
Without a single mark left, somebody is hurting your child, and they are a narcissist.
There’s no drama involved, but you still can’t unsee it. I think that can be what makes it so devastating to watch, and the pain can cut like a knife.
#2 Personality shifting over time
This is the case for both narcissists and your child.
For the narcissist, they are hellbent on keeping their mask of charm on.
It’s only for a select few it will slip, but unfortunately in this instance, it will be your child who sees it slip in the most painful of ways.
The personality shift that occurs will be from a nice guy to the person you would do anything and everything to avoid.
The realization that they aren’t who they said they are will be apparent, but by then the bond between the narcissist and their victim is strong.
For your child, the personality will dwindle, falling apart at the hands of the narcissist.
Every time the narcissist hurts them, their smile fades that little bit more.
Confidence falls away, self-esteem shrinks, self-worth floats away, and identity is crushed.
You can only imagine what damage that does to a child who still has so much growing to do.
Eventually, a child under the abuse of a narcissist will become guarded, not knowing what to say, or how to say it.
They don’t want to cause more drama, but the conflict is inevitable because a narcissist will always make sure of that.
SOme might say they see the park leave their child, and I would say that’s an accurate description of what it is to be under the influence of a narcissist.
That’s a lot of change to deal with, but none of it is positive, so to witness it of course, ignites pain that cannot be compared to anything.
#3 Fear replaces confidences
Children should be confident. They are growing and learning, but mostly, they’re not afraid to just go with the flow.
From learning to walk, talk and feed themselves, everything is born from the resilience to keep trying and not giving up. It’s not an environment that wrecks confidence patterns.
It doesn’t just disappear over time, but is instead replaced by fear and self-doubt.
They suddenly don’t know themselves, and they hesitate. They aren’t sure of their feelings, or even if they should be experiencing certain emotions, as some are seen as negative by the narcissist.
Then there’s the second-guessing of everything, and worrying they’re going to get something wrong, and worse, what will happen if they do.
There are consequences to certain behaviors the child exhibits, but they’re so young, they can’t pinpoint what those consequences are.
Therefore, instincts are no longer trusted, and the look to others for approval is often.
And you see it. It hurts. You knew the child before the abuse, and it’s like comparing two different people.
One had the world at their feet, and the other now has the weight of it on their shoulders.
That’s when you know something went wildly wrong somewhere.
#4 The damage is silent
When there are no visible marks to abuse, it can be hard to name it properly.
If you are hit, beat up, smacked or slapped, yes, it’s physical abuse. It can be named as such, and that makes it easier in a lot of ways.
With emotional and psychological abuse ,the cuts are still there, but they are to your character; who you were fundamentally born as.
It’s much harder to pinpoint the start of that, and all the many ways every day those cuts were pulled wide open and exposed time and time again.
As a victim of narcissistic abuse, a child will know no different. Memories are famously locked away by the protective part of the brain; the part that wants to keep that person safe.
As a witness to abuse, and seeing the changes over the years, it’s painful to know that another person was the cause, and how much their presence shaped a person who should have had an innocent time.
That silent image doesn’t speak, but it is louder than anything you will have heard before.
#5 You stay calm, yet fall apart inside
I know from what so many of you tell me that it is classic for those observing narcissistic abuse to know what’s happening,
and to feel as though you’re falling apart on the inside while trying to be calm on the outside.
Your child needs stability, and it’s all your energy to give it to them. Smiling on the outside feels like protection to them, but you know there’s a part of the equation that makes it seem as though you’re ignoring the abuse.
Of course it feels as though you’re breaking, I mean, what could be worse?
Parents watch and know that they carry the anger; the consequence of the abuse their child is experiencing.
You can’t show it because it makes everything so much worse, and so on top of the anger, there is a thick and unforgiving layer of guilt .
#6 Your child comes before keeping the peace
When you see a moment that comes for you; a time where your silence becomes more of a betrayal than ever, you know you have to put your child before keeping the peace.
Even if it causes conflict, and makes everything temporarily harder, it has to be a process.
Choosing your child means the pain they went through that you too felt in different ways is healed together away from the narcissist.
You’ve been protecting the wrong person all this time, and now you are unapologetic in your quest for wellbeing to be prioritized.
Peace that harms a child, was it ever really peace? It may have been sold to you that way by the narcissist, but that’s all part of their games.
Now you know the truth, you can learn to move with what comes next.
The only thing that could be, is closure.
