Was My Ex-Boyfriend a Narcissist?

Q: Was my ex boyfriend a narcissistic? Met my ex boyfriend last year May. He came on very strong during the first two weeks. He called me everyday. He was very affectionate and we became exclusive within three weeks. He invited me to meet his mom for dinner and a good friends wedding in July. After two months of dating he stopped been affectionate and making remarks about the flab on my stomach. I am 5’3, 115 pounds!

Other remarks were about how I should put on more make up or ask why I don’t wear shorts. The most offending remark was my dove deodorant smelled bad! As the months went by he became more distant. On our dinner dates he was always on his phone and doesn’t make conversation unless I initiate the talk and he frequently goes to bathroom. At his home his phone was always on side even to the bathroom and to bed. He stopped making any sexual advance and the only affection was a quick kiss when we said goodbye.

On the weddings and birthday parties and football games we attended he doesnt talk to me. He only complimented me once and that was in the beginning of the relationship when he told me I was a good catch and got style. Our first argument was because I made a comment to a cashier about other restaurant serving half a pie and why they didnt. He scolded me and said my comment was rude and offensive to the cashier. I told him it was a question and statement. We argued and he insisted I was wrong. I cried the whole night feeling he was defending a cashier and not seeing it from my side. We had two other arguments similar to the first.

I have always been refered to as a friendly person and he was the first person in my whole life that told me I was rude in some of comments. I met his mother twice but he always made an excuse to why he couldn’t meet my family for dinner. I had enough of his emotional and physical distance so I had a talk with him. Because of his distance I questioned him if he was cheating on me or a closet gay. He quickly denied it. His reason for the distance was that I was not very assertive in the relationship or I didnt text him unless he did and he was emotionally drained. He went to Vegas on Thanksgiving. He never called me and put the blame on me for not calling. He questioned why he never met my family I reminded him that i did invite him but he declined. He said I wasnt affectionate in the relationship. Told him he was always seating on the floor and not next to me on the sofa. He said he wanted space from the relationship so we took a break for a month. We got back together around Jan.

I made more effort in communicating with him on his second trip because he said I was not assertive. I made plans to see a musical together and again he hardly spoke to me. On Valentines Day dinner he hardly spoke to me again. There were no hugs but only a quick kiss. On a State Holiday three days after Valentine I text him to see what he was doing. Told him I was thinking of renting a movie. He said he was cleaning his spare bedroom. That week and the following week he made no contact. I called him to break it off and he said he was going to talk about it as well but I beat him to it. I broke up with him and he agreed to it. He took me out for my birthday a week later. The birthday dinner was the best dinner since I met him. He was attentive and making conversation. After dinner I ask him if we did really break up and he said he didnt’t know and that he needed to be by himself. He said he didn’t see any improvement in the relationship despite the effort I made. He said we will talk about it more.

We never had the talk but I did text him why he didn’t make any contact since that night. He said we did break up. I was sad and missed him so much that I contacted him a month later to invite him to a movie. He came but just like other outings he was distance. But I still had hope so I invited him to a baseball game. He declined due to work. I text him to ask him if sees me than just a friendship. He said just friends. I was devastated and told him I can’t be friends with him right now until my feelings has been resolved. He said ok. I can’t stopped thinking about him and began to question that it was my fault. If I was more assertive or affectionate or planned more outings he wouldn’t have been bored in the relationship. I am thinking he was a closet gay in a straight relationship as a cover up. But after researching on line on narcissism I am wondering if he is. His good friend describe his last gf weird and crazy. He said his relationships lasted between 6 months -2years. Went I first started to get to know him and ask about his ex girlfriends. He said he still keeps in touch and some exgirlfriends comments such as jerk or never wanted to see him again. At that time I didn’t make much of it because I was so into him. He is very goodlooking and works out at gym. He likes to shop and has so many clothes. One time I made a comment of a picture of him with parents taken in 2010. Told him he look so young back then and he ask if was looking old.

So what do you think about my ex? I was a confident woman but now I am questioning myself and going insane because I can’t stopped thinking about him.

A: That’s a lot of information yet not enough to say he is a classic narcissist. Often, though not always, your gut instinct proves to be the right one. You questioned whether he could be a closet gay which isn’t your normal first impression of most people so there must be some red flags there. It could also be a whole host of other issues or a combination of issues. If he truly is still in touch with some of his ex-girlfriends and has a best friend (that he has had for a lengthy amount of time), chances are he is not a narcissist. Some of his behaviors could certainly be overly self-centered and/or he may have some narcissistic You cannot diagnose NPD without directly interacting with the individual.

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3 Responses to “Was My Ex-Boyfriend a Narcissist?”

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  1. Justa says:

    Well some warning signs are his constant criticism of you. Plus his treating you with contempt after he feels you are hooked on him. Then, the big tell-tale sign – You call him to break it off, and he acts like “oh what a coincidence, you beat me to it!” Then he takes you out, shows you what a “good guy” he is, till you will want him again, and then he breaks up with you! Please don’t tell me you don’t see the Dr. Jykll/Mr. Hyde manipulation here.

    This “close friend” of his could be a flying monkey and/or some other person that has special status, that he feels he needs in his life, to get where is is going. Ask yourself, what benefit does he get by being close to this “friend” of his?

    You notice how it’s all about his feelings, but not a bean about yours? Seems all this guy wants is some arm candy along with a hefty dose of your soul pining away for him, to make him feel special, powerful, and god-like.

    I have a feeling, that if you stopped ALL contact (or if he saw you with a new boyfirend), he will keep trying to connect, giving you all sorts of bait – and when unsuccessful, he will actually go so far as to feign repentance and say “Please, you are my true love after all, how could I have been so stupid”.

    Don’t fall for this obvious bait!!! Cause as soon as you do, and he has you hooked, he will immediately turn into Mr. Hyde once again. Please, don’t fall for the flattery, no matter how sincere it seems! He is already proven by his actions, that it is NOT love that is moivating him. You will live a life a misery if you let him do this to you! If you see him do this, no matter how hard, continue to follow the rules of NO CONTACT.

  2. JPJ says:

    The biggest sign that he was a narcissist was how he sweet talked you at the very beginning of your “relationship.” He had probably checked you out for awhile or picked up instantly that you are a kind, empathetic person. To a Narcissite that is prime target material. These traits he lacks and will use you to get them.
    They are experts at putting on the charm. They are master “drama queens” and manipulators. To him, it was all just a big act and he was onstage during those first weeks.
    Once the thrill of being “onstage” was over and he knew he had power over you….his real game was about to start.
    You are not insane…..he victimized you and twisted your mind so that he could walk free and leave your head spinning.
    He is definatly a narcissit…….do yourself a favour and run.

  3. noname says:

    He might be a narcissist, but even if he’s not, he’s still a jerk. Be glad he’s your ex and stop thinking about him.

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