If you’re unlucky enough to share children with a narcissist, you will be in one of four situations:
- You are expecting a child with a narcissist.
- You have children with the narcissist, and you are still together.
- You share children, and are going through a divorce/separation.
- You share children, and are divorced, living separate lives.
If one of these is the case for you, how are you finding it? I want to assume you’re finding it difficult, as that’s what you’re most likely to feel.
And you’d be right. It’s tough alright. Namely because the narcissist is going to use your child or children against you.
Here’s how they do it…
…You have been warned.
Narcissists: The Only Ones Who Aren’t Victims
When I put together in my mind a family dynamic consisting of two adults and any number of dependents, I step back and I observe what I am creating.
Ideally, there would be a happy, healthy system, where people are encouraged to play, talk, support and value each other.
None of that exists in narcissistic households, and that’s usually down to one of the adults being the narcissist.
But narcissists are also something else…
…They are the only ones in that household who are not the victims.
Everybody else is.
Sure, they try to be. But they aren’t, and I will die on that hill.
They are not.
Sharing Children With a Narcissist
I put that image together in my mind because I like to use it to help other people figure out their own dynamic.
Were they the spouse? Were they the youngest, oldest, middle, or only child?
What was their role? Were they the scapegoat – the one always blamed and shamed at every available opportunity?
Were they the golden child – the one who could do no wrong, and was born to continue the narcissistic streak?
Sharing children with a narcissist will bring these roles to life, and I’m afraid to say the dynamics will fit every family out there who includes a parental narcissist.
As soon as kids come into that picture, there’s never going to be the ability to cut proper cords with the narcissist until they’re adults.
Your life will be made up of conflict, drama, tears, mirrored characteristics of the narcissist is likely in one child, and a blend of anxiety and low moods or self-esteem if not in one, in more, depending how many you have together.
It’s no picnic, and I do not wish this kind of problem on any victim.
Use To Abuse?
Any children shared between you and the narcissist will be used as opposed to being loved.
It could get really ugly.
#1 Triangulation
The first one I want to talk about is triangulation.
Possibly familiar to you already, triangulation is a form of manipulation and control used by the narcissist to divide two people. If you think about an actual triangle, you will see the one peak at the top (the narcissist), and the two at the bottom (you and a child).
Narcissists do this by dropping a piece of information, or a rumor, repeating something inappropriate to one person about the other, in the hope it stirs conflict.
Then they sit back and watch the fireworks that go off between them both, while acting like they didn’t do a thing wrong.
This usually happens if they see the both of you getting along a little too well, so well that you may actually form a strong alliance between you.
#2 Comparison
Your children have far more intelligence than you ever did. They must get it from me.
Thomas told me how much he hates how overprotective you are. He told me he wishes I was the stay-at-home parent.
Nothing cuts like a knife worse than hearing your children have an issue with you.
And to know these words are coming from the very person who, over the years, has sought out to destroy your character makes it ten times worse.
These little comments – these sly digs – are all the narcissist has to use against you.
They know you will feel terrible when you hear it all; every fiber in your body will want to improve it.
What the narcissist knows is that you’ll only make it worse as you question “Tom” and try to people-please your way into his heart again.
That’s difficult if the narcissist has already planted the, “I want to be your favorite parent” seed in their mind.
Young minds are incredibly impressionable – and it doesn’t take much for them to be swayed by influential people.
#3 Encourage To Go/Encourage To Stay
If you’re keen to see your children go off and have adventures, you can bet the narcissist will find a way to call you heartless in front of them.
How can you want to get rid of them so quickly?
Similarly, if you are keen for them to hang on in the house for a few years in order to save enough to get their own place, you’ll be accused of holding them back.
You have to let them go and make their own life.
Having older children like this means those kids aren’t going to miss much in terms of conflict, and that can be held against you if the narcissist plays the game well enough.
#4 “Find The One Who Will Do My Dirty Work”
The Golden Child – plucked from your children by the narcissist – is known as the child who will do the narcissist’s dirty work.
Often, the ones most keen to impress the narcissist will emulate their characteristics, as well as be the child who can do no wrong in the eyes of the narcissist.
This is where you will see Narcissist 2.0 – and it’s going to hurt like hell.
Similar dynamics will appear between them and you, and you will have to fight to have a proper relationship with them.
#5 Fight For Custody
If you ever have to fight for custody, be prepared for the narcissist to use any shred of evidence they have that you are not a fit parent.
This is why it’s always advisable to document everything that goes on with them, and to keep your cool as much as you can.
It’s stressful and upsetting to think that your kids will be shared with a narcissist, but if you can prove coercive and intimidating abuse, you may just win.
#6 Parental Alienation
As much as it pains me to say it, there are times where the innocent parent is cut off from the child as they get old enough to make that choice.
This can be down to years of manipulation by the narcissist – painting you as the bad parent.
I’ve seen it and had many talks with parents who are beside themselves at this reality.
It’s a dangerous game, but narcissists are good at deflecting any blame or toxicity, making you out to be the bad guy.
Again – document everything, people.
