Want To Break Free From My Narcissistic Mother But Feeling Sorry

Q: Please can you help me, I am writing this to you from my heart. I am going to skip through my childhood. will concentrate on most recent events about my mother.

I always lacked confidence as a young woman and ended up with 2 divorces behind me, always the disappointing daughter. I got married for the 3rd time in 1997, my father and I had always been close and enjoyed a healthy relationship my father was a good loving father to myself and my younger brother.

My real nightmare started for me when I my father passed away 6 years ago. He was at home I was there when he passed. For a year and half after his passing, I experienced nasty phone calls from my mother, really spiteful and nasty messages. Though I grieving myself I felt sorry for my mum so I put myself,my husband and my son who was only 5 at the time through a lot of heartache. This went on for around 18 months. Then I was shocked to receive a letter from my mothers solicitor making false allegations about me and my husband threatening her all of which are lies.

The instructions are that there is to be no contact by phone; person or visit also I was to have no contact with my brother. I was deeply hurt by this. I left it for a year and because of the emotional abuse I had suffered for years I went back to my and we had telephone contact for 3 years she kept me dangling saying that she could not see me as my brother would not be happy about it.

She also blamed my brother saying he took her to solicitors and put the thought of no contact with me into her head; also blamed it on losing my dad and not being well. my mother eventually agreed for me to visit; of which I have done so .

So for 15 Months it has not been a very happy experience when I saw my mum after not seeing her for several years all the photos of my son as a baby/toddler had been taken down and photos of me. The most recent photos of my son were not on display my mum told me that they were hidden away in a drawer as she would upset my brother if he saw them. Also that our visits would have to be our little secret from my brother. I also noticed that almost everywhere I could see photos of my brother and his wife everywhere???

Christmas just gone my mother was in hospital and my brother found out that I had been seeing my mum not very pleased about it. I have begged my mum to withdraw the allegations that she made and she has kept me dangling again giving me false hope and then makes excuses, about her ill health. I should of challenged the false allegations at the time but I was grieving and had a young family.

My mothers health is not good. I want the strength to break free but I feel sorry for her, and I keep going back it is hurtful painful and it is getting in the way of my family life. also my son has been denied a relationship with his grandparent, which has been upsetting. I want to break free please is there anybody I can talk too? Yours Hurting

A: There are mind games, manipulation and control issues throughout the family. What a minefield! Please find a local therapist to help you sort out your feelings as you seem confused as well as hurt. You feel sorry for your mother yet she seems to have brought nothing but hurt and lies to you. You say you want to break free from this painful relationship yet you are upset because your son has been “denied” a relationship with her. Why would you want him to experience the same pain and poisonous words that your mother has given you?

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4 Responses to “Want To Break Free From My Narcissistic Mother But Feeling Sorry”

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  1. Justa says:

    Yes, please seek help! You say you want the strength to break free but currently don’t have it – that means you need and must rely on the strength of others. Don’t give up! Even if you don’t have any money for a therapist, go to YouTube and search for “Narcissist mother”. There you will find dozens of encouragaing videos of folks who are successfully dealing with the same problem. Knowing someone else understands and knows what to do can make all the difference. You will see how they broke free and why it was the best thing for their mental health. Wish you all the best!

  2. JPJ says:

    Minefield is the correct word for sure!! Absolutly, you need a therapist to talk to. There must be some type of affordable help out there. Homeless shelters have access to therapy, if it comes to that.
    You need to draw a line in the sand and cut off your Mom. Also your son needs to be protected from her, not introduced to her controlling ways.
    You are playing both sides of the coin and it isn`t going to work, so pick one or the other.
    You have to be honest and want to help yorself first before drawing others into it and wasting their time and energy. That is not fair.

  3. ted hooper says:

    Love is a very strong emotion. What I read from your experience is YOU LOVE your mother and you want her to love you. I have had very similar experience to yourself. The point is IF and I mean IF your mother has a narcissitic peronalty she does not love any thing other than her self and will never love any thing other than her self. When you see her SHE KNOWS WHAT IS WRONG
    AND SHE KNOWS WHO IS IN THE WRONG BUT !!!!!! What she is doing is gaining SUPPLY from you buy denying resposibility and refusing to take away the accusations. She enjoys this and likes very much the hurt she has caused you. Make up your own mind. A narcissist means you nothing but harm. They will always be looking for a new way to harm you. You cannot change them. You can only change YOUR OWN SITUATION.

  4. Anne says:

    I have only come to terms with my narcissistic father in the past couple years and he has been gone 10 years. Most of my adult life with him was estranged but when he got sick a reconciliation was possible. I suffered extreme emotional abuse and walked forever out of his life 2 years before he passed. When I heard he was dying I emailed him and asked if this was how it ended and I got blamed for everything that ever went wrong in his life, even during our 20 years of estrangement. What reconciliation gave me was freedom from guilt that it was me or that I could have done more. It also was extremely damaging to me and magnified the abuse.

    It is normal to feel sorry for them and to be confused. I have fond memories from my childhood from before about age 10, and it wasn’t all bad. For years people told me to let go of the past and the anger and I truly did not know how to do that. I am fortunate that I had a defining moment when I was listening to someone else’s life experience and it changed me and I did manage to let go of the anger. But, mix the good with the bad and it is so confusing.

    You let go of the anger and forgive for yourself, but that does not mean you allow continued abuse or continued contact. My father is gone so there is no opportunity for continued abuse, and that just isn’t the case when your parent is still alive. So, do what you need to protect yourself, keep your distance and forgive and let go of anger for your own emotional health.

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